Broken Dreams - Broken Promises

Hi Friends,

I have had a lot of emotions to sort the last couple of weeks.

As many of you know my 127 lb. St. Bernard Mix, Missy, who I didn't want, and my husband did, wrapped her lead around my ankles, and took off, resulting in my going down like a tree.

Even though we are fortunate to have a hospital in our small town, we had to travel 100 miles to Kansas City to get me the medical help I needed.

This brings me to my second point I hate living where we are b/c we are literally out in the middle of nowhere, and I really don't feel safe here.

Then when I was trying to tell my husband again how much I don't like it here, he says well maybe you should go live in the city, and I'll stay here.

We were able to buy this little 100-yr. old farmhouse, with 18 acres, two ponds and two horses, not b/c of any money my husband has made, but b/c of money either received from my parents or from my 17-yr. career at a Fortune 500 Company.

I was furious when I thought about what he had said. Here I am with a cast on my foot, and I'm supposed to staff off it for 6 - 8 weeks, and he's throwing me out of the house. What a class act!!!! -- NOT!!!

Because he was abandoned at birth, and lived the first six months of his life in an orphanage, he is emotionally abusive on a daily basis.

There's more to the story, but I've got to stop for now. My energy level has been very low since the accident and the surgery to correct it.

Also, we have to drive 70 miles, one way, to see the doctor. I'm tired of all this.

I also heard him say to the teller at the bank, "Out at my place..."

I felt isolated before I broke my ankle, now I really feel isolated.

EJ

((((((((((((((((EJ)))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way and things are down for you right now. It just doesn't seem fair does it.

I hope your ankle is feeling better and that the time till you can walk on it again comes quickly for you.

It's so hard living with someone who is emotionally abusive. Been there, done that, don't wanna go back! Maybe now, in your down time with the cast on, you can think of ways to help yourself when you are able. A little bit of planning now might be a good thing.

I wish you well hon and send you healing thoughts. Take good care of YOU!!!

*Gentle Hugs*
Jean

when you first moved out there, what were your dreams and how have they not been met? when you moved, did you have a job?

how long have you been married to him?

when you moved, did he promise to take on half of the debt and then actively pursue that? i remember that you say he won't work.

i don't think he can lay his hands on that house. i think it would be a good idea for you to get a lawyer, produce the paperwork and have at it! as i recall, you've been frustrated with him and the area for quite sometimes, so i'll sell the house, separte and let him support himself and you move on to somewhere you feel safe. xoxoxo pat

His comment was definatly out of line...Hopefully it was a one time slip and this is not a normal occurence. It does sound like he would have some issues to resolve...at least you seem to elude that there is much more going on...

Hope you heal fast...

Just read Pat's post...something to really think about...

Hi Pat,

Part of the broken dreams is the rest of the story.

My former Fortune 500 or 1000 employer blatantly eliminated the positions of its older employees. 1600 employees banned together and filed an age discrimination class action suit.

I had been told by my main contact on the case that I would receive $225,000 as my share of the settlement. Well the Friday of the week I broke my ankle, I received a call from one of the attorneys, and I was informed I would be receiving only $25,000.

So "the loss" of $200,000 on top of the broken ankle, crystalized my dissatisfaction with my husband.

Now, to answer your question. Our goal in moving here, was to be able to survive financially. We were able to buy our property for cash. I thought there was more accessibility to a fairly decent size city from here, but while a crow could fly there fairly quickly, there are no roads from here.

This relocation was occurring after losing my 17-yr. career, and at a time we were reaching a point where we could no longer manage our severely emotionally
disturbed daughter in our home.

Anyway husband did just up and retire without consulting about two years ago. I was finally able to persuade him to return to work going on two months ago.

I have been married 34 years to him. The way things are going we may be ending around anniversary number 35.

Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it.

EJ

That is a lot going on...probably time to have a calm sit down direct conversation with husband about solutions...

Hi EJ... so sorry to hear you are going through a tough time right now. It must be very frustrating to not be mobile and active. It's times like this when the bigger issues in our life crowd in on our thinking. It's like when one bad thing happens all the other not so good things in our life come to chime in on the *****ing party. This isn't the time to make any life altering decision. Your first priority is to get your ankle strong again. I'm sure you are bored and sick and tired of sitting around waiting for it to heal. It will heal and you will be your old self again. It will just take a little more time. A little more patience and a little more self-directed compassion. You also need some new distractions. Things that can keep you from trying to tackle the bigger issues in your life until you are stronger and able again to see the whole picture.

Good on you for sharing your frustration with folks here. We can support you and encourage you and let you know how much we appreciate you. This time will pass and you will be strong again. Everything else must wait.

Take good care of yourself.... here for you when you need to vent or share or just say hello to someone who understands.

Pat, Sabau, Direction,

Thank you all for your input.

I do initiate calm conversations with him on a fairly regular basis, hoping to evoke some ideas from him on how to improve our situation. He typically is evasive, and doesn't come up with any real ideas for improvement. As far as he is concerned everything is perfect.

I told him yesterday when he was driving me back and forth, that if he didn't clean up his act, I was going to haul him off to a therapist I had seen when we still lived in civilization.

Our money is so tight, and her office is 70 miles away (one way), which brings me back to my dissatisfaction with living here. Grrrrrr.

One major stumbling block to splitting up are our family of four-footed friends: six dogs, and eight cats.

Anyone want a St. Bernard -- I have three -- plus a Great Dane!!

I sware I have stayed in this marriage as long as I have for "the children". While our headcount was smaller, before moving to the country and 18 acres, we have always had some exceptional pets, who I couldn't stand to leave.

It is great to be able to vent, and get feedback on this issue.

EJ

When you have another sit down...ask him one simple question...How do you see everything as perfect?

(Thinking it will be difficult one to answer if he really thinks about it - give him time to answer - don't speak anything else - just listen - you will probably learn a lot - I hope...)

do you have the paperwork to prove it was your money that bought the house? surely, you do.........put it in a safety deposit box and when it gets too bad, sell the house and keep the proceeds.....

you might be able to find a place where you could take the animals. i live "in" town and i have three cats and three dogs, safely here.

(((((((((((((EJ)))))))))))))))))))

Hi, EJ, sweetie!
One thing that comes to mind is that you are feeling down because of the injury to your ankle, which is major, and limiting you physically as you recover! I am wishing you a fast successful recovery!
I agree with Pat in all she has said. It sounds like YOUR property first and foremost, though if it was purchased in both your names, this may be a sticking point in any sale, thoiugh I suspect a sharp lawyer with prior legal work could assist you in this!
Like Pat, I also live in a small town, close to doctors and hospitals, and have three cats and two doggies. It can be managed!
Love,
Patty

(((((((((((((((((((((((EJ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

We have talked a little and i feel for you so much. like someone said above, take this time and really think what you want to do. write down pros and cons, you deserve to be happy.marriage is about compromise, not all one sided. my thoughts are with you, pm me any time. love you, jinnyann xoxoxoxoxox

Hi Friends,

I probably should have entitled the post: Broken Ankle, Broken Relationship, as far as the issue(s) with my husband.

The Broken Promise - Broken Dreams comes from believing the attorneys who handled the age discrimination class action suit. When my contact gave me the $225,000 figure, I believed her. I have been envisioning all I could do with that amount in fixing my 100+ year old miniature farmhouse. I could see a nice barn, etc.

When I was told about three weeks ago it would be only $25,000, I felt like my trust had been violated, and my dreams went flying out the window.

Regarding my ankle, I think I started to feel unsafe after my fall. After the dog I didn't want, Missy, (127 lb. St. Bernard mix) wrapped her lead (vinyl covered steel) around my ankles twice and took off, and I went down like a tree, things just haven't been the same.

For one, I can't walk. I felt isolated out here in the middle of nowhere, when I could still walk. Since husband went back to work, I haven't had a vehicle, but I could still get around.

Now that I have been told by the doctor to stay off my foot, my sense of isolation has really sky-rocketed.

As a child, growing up with parents who were almost 40 years older than me, and a 6'4" brother, who was 12 years older than me, one of my deepest issues is not being listened to.

I usually can brush off my husband's put downs, but when he said I could move to the city, and he would stay here, something inside me don't brush this off. You need to take note of this. This was roughly a week after I came home from the hospital, and was in a cast. It was my money that I either received from my parents, or my corporate career that made this cash purchase possible, and he was in a sense kicking me out when I had a broken foot, from the dog he insisted we had to rescue, and I didn't want.

He hasn't listened to me for five years that I don't like it here. He didn't listen when I said I didn't want the dog.

Need to run.

Thanks everyone for your input and support!

EJ

Direction,

I appreciate your trying to help.

Husband is extremely good at not answering any question that will put him at a disadvantage.

EJ

I agree, EJ, that Direction is great at giving support here on PC!
Hope you are feeling good!
Patty

EJ,

I kind of figured he probably avoids questions that put him at a disadvantage. I think you need to ask anyway...

It may not produce something you want to hear though...

Asking the question can lead you to the decisions you will need to make...

Don't make the assumption he will avoid this one...past reactions are a good indicator of future reactions; however, if you don't take the opportunity you may throw away something that doesn't need to be...

Frame the question that you are really concerned about your marriage...

I think someone already suggested gathering paperwork and getting it to a safe place...In your current condition this may be difficult...you need to do this before the question is asked...

I left my ex 8 days after coming out of the hospital - she originally didn't want me to come home - While home - I gathered everything and took it to work and made copies...8 days later I left the house after a big arguement to stay in a hotel - it is a good thing I had everything somewhere else - she broke open my breif case...

Anyway this is getting long. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best!

Direction,

You have been very generous in your support.

My fire box has never resurfaced since our house almost burned down a couple of years ago.

A volunteer fireman started the fire on our property. He was driving along our road with a smoker in the back of his pick-up. The door on the smoker popped open and he dropped hot coals for miles down our road. The coals started two fires on our property.

I had my dogs and my fire box in my car, and I was parked at the end of the driveway to take off, if the fire got much worse. It took the volunteer fire people at least 20 minutes to get here.

The trucks looked like they were built in the 1940's, and the fire people looked like firemen from the circus, but they got the flames put out. I have not been able to find that box since then. My other important papers are upstairs, and I can't do stairs right now.

Because of living in the middle of nowhere, there are extremely few jobs. I have an MBA, but will be turning 60 next month. I don't have the financial means to move to a hotel.

I have made a list of other options. I very few options within 100 miles. All of my options are at least 1,000 miles away.

We also only have one vehicle at this point, so I don't have a means of escape.

There are so many things that would have to be coordinated.

Just thinking and planning on how I would do this is proving to be therapeutic at this time.

EJ

Sorry about the fire...

There will be much to put in place...FYI I only went to the hotel for one night and then stayed in friends houses for a few weeks...

Keep thinking and keep thinking about all that has been posted from everyone...

EJ, I can't be of much use to you right now - but I am sorry all this has happened.

You are in my thoughts!

your deed is on file at the county courthouse. get a copy of it. you need to show your signature is on that.

do you have a camera downstairs? if so, start photographing what you consider your possessions......photograph the entire rooms, so it will show what is in place. (i read lots of true crime books )

look through drawers, documents that you MIGHT need.....hide them in your purse.

call every relative that might know the details of how the house was purchased and get them to write their recollections down and have them note: "per telephone conversation with Jane" and the date and time they did this......and getting the statements notarized won't hurt your case.

document the income you've made and what he has contributed.

try to relax and put yourself back to the place you were when you last saw the firebox. take your time.....go through that day in your head......

xoxoxo pat p.s. no fee for all this advice

Direction,

Husband thinks this place is great, b/c there are no people around. He likes being the "Lord" of 18 acres. He likes having everyone in our small town think he's great!!! He's looking rich on my money.

He loves driving his tractor.

He loves owning a pick-up truck, and hauling water.

I think he would only start to care about our relationship, if he saw his lifestyle slipping away.

I think I have dropped to the bottom of his list, under the land and the horses.

EJ

Hi EJ,

I can't think right now, but I wanted you to know that you are so in my thoughts.

Perhaps think about what will make you happy and then see if those things are attainable within your given situation and then go from there.

Best wishes, Songbird

Songbird,

Thanks for your note of support!

I hope you're feeling better soon.

EJ

((((((((((((EJ)))))))))))))

Sad to say it, but being isolated was probably one of the reasons my mom divorced my dad way back when. He owned a farm, middle of nowhere - and she was left isolated, it not being her decision.

I'm sorry about your ankle and your husband. If I could, I'd come and visit and straighten him out for you.



sorry, i'm not very useful - but I'm sad to see my friend hurting like this.