Losing friends

I have posted recently about the reasons why I distanced myself from some people which I used to call friends but who constantly made me feel bad about myself.
Some of these friendships are old ones and go back many years. It hurts to let them go and I feel guilty.
The point is, I am scared of being isolated. I live on my own in a big city and feel pretty lost. I can't count on my family. I don't have a relationship, just an ex boyfriend who struggles with major issues himself.
I am not very good at making new friends easily because of my depression recently. So this situation scares me a lot. Am I in danger of isolating myself? Should I keep on putting effort in friendships that weaken me and leave me disappointed every time? Or does loneliness weaken me even more? I don't know what to focus on here...

If I were you I would not cut yourself off completely, I have done that before and it was horrible. Have you explained this to any of your friends? I didn't for ages, thought that they would find it ridiculous and laugh at me but they were really understanding and I feel much better for doing it.

Everyone is meant for someone, whether its friendship or something more, you will find someone that understands you and you can be yourself with, just gotta keep on going and have hope

I guess it happens, it's up to you to evaluate the situation. You wrote on another thread that friendship can be found in unexpected places, right?

I used to have a group of 4 friends from elementary school. We grew together, but grew apart and I didn't feel comfortable around them anymore because we were absolutely different: we didn't go to the same places, didn't have the same hobbies or the same humour. There was nothing to keep us friends anymore besides feeling that those people were trustful.

As I was the "different one", I ended up straying. They tried to reach me, invited me to hang out, but there was no space. This also happened during my early teenage years when my MH issues started to bloom, you get it. These friends, one of them specifically, pressured me a lot, messaged me telling they'd give up on me and that they were tired to be the only one to call and to ask me out... which made me feel bad AND guilty for not wanting to be around them. But I couldn't tolerate the conversation gaps, they making fun (in a harmless way, though) of my tastes or looks.

I'm 25 now. A few months ago I was contacted again under the same playful "guilty trip" tone, which made me wonder if I was purposely isolating myself for making no efforts to keep this friendship. It's so hard to find people you can REALLY trust and I know I could trust them, we grew up together, but I couldn't bond anymore. To be very honest, even though I consider them nice people, I don't regret it at all.

Honestly - I think the best advice I can tell you is this: focus on you - loving yourself, self-respect, self esteem, self love ... you do those things and you will find people will want to be around you - and you will be able to discern which ones you want to be around. The problem is understanding you cannot control how others act and react and balancing that with the reality that the human psyche needs human interaction to remain healthy and balanced - but to do that we first must understand what it is that we can n will accept n what we will not accept n what it is that makes us happy n who we are - we must also love ourselves so we do not depend on others to give us happiness or we will never find a truly healthy interaction thus it will never truly be happy either. So the problem may not be so much you isolating yourself from others - as it is you isolating yourself from yourself - because you cannot find a way to love yourself n respect youself n find the self esteem to have healthy relationships - do you think that could be the case?

That might be it, Crypts Of The Mind. I just don't know how to change that right now. Therapy seems to get me to see all my mistakes, but it doesn't help me to be more positive or love myself more. Sometimes I just don't know how to do that

Oh and James, I just saw your post. I had bad experiences with one particular friend when I tried o talk to her about stuff that really bothered me. She was aggressive/defensive/mean even when I was simply trying to talk to her and I don't dare say anything since then :/

I understand what you mean. Looking at your faults isn't how you find love for yourself. It is the opposite. I know it seems egotistical- but it is healthy to do in balanced measures. Look at the things you did that were n are good- celebrate them n allow yourself to revel in them a bit to feel proud. Look to things you enjoy n your dreams, make plans step by step on how to achieve them (small things at first n progressively larger) - celebrate each accomplishment. Yes, recognize your faults too, but don't dwell on them - let them be learning tools. You can change those things you do not like about yourself. We all have the ability to control our actions and reactions - right down to our thoughts n emotions (those are more of an effect caused by controlling our choices). All you have to do is choose how you want to view a situation - you do that by recognizing it for what it is, then understanding the way you would normally react and that there are also other ways to react-identifying those ways - then conciously choosing a reaction. By doing that enough, it will affect your overall outlook - thus, your thoughts n emotions. Your actions are always a concious choice it is only what I just told you that will be new - it is hard at first, but it gets easier - and it helps develop all the "self" perspectives a lot. Does all that make sense?

Crypts Of The Mind what you said then has actually helped me, I often feel a need for approval from people but what you said is true so thanks for that

Yeah I don't think I want to talk to her again, I was just wondering if its the right thing to do despite how she treated me or if I should be thankful that shes gone. Losing a friend sucks but she isn't that good of one.

I'm quite an optimistic person, you may feel the way you said now littleowl but who knows what will happen in the future. I always have hope because theres a always a chance that things can change, I accept the mistakes I have made and learnt from them, you cant change them so you may as well accept whats happened has happened but what you do now is up to you

You are wise and kind people and you have helped me a lot with your comments. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

You're welcome Hope my attempt at making you feel better worked to some degree :P we're all here for you

I am glad I was able to help *hugs*

I am glad I was able to help *hug*

I am no more wise than anyone else - it is just what I have learned through experience and listening to others who gave the same advice to me once

I have a feeling you are just as kind!

James - were you asking me if it's right to not talk to your friend anymore n just let her go? If so my answer to that is - only you can decide that, it comes down to what makes you happy n what n who you want in your life n what n who u don't- you are in control, never give anyone else the reins of control over your happiness! However, with that said - keep in mind you can't control her either - so if she decides she does not want to b your friend for whatever reason, you should accept that n move on..

I agree. Don't isolate yourself. It will make your depression worse.

As someone above said, try talking with your friends. Be honest.

Your responses have opened my eyes, but it keeps coming back to me.
So now I am thinking about this whole thing again.
I realized I don't really isolate myself, it is quite the opposite. I actually tried to reach out to my friends over the last couple of months and some responded in ways that left me pretty crushed. I had to admit that I feel used by some of them and it breaks my heart. I tried to talk about it, but somehow the people I gave most to (attention, help with stuff, friendship) refused to give me anything when I really needed them and they started blaming it all on me. Does that make sense at all? It is just so hard to put into words.
I feel guilty for even asking them to be there for me, one told me I was a bad friend because I had some pretty bad relationship drama to deal with and didn't "focus on her enough" or something even though I helped her with stuff, tried to call her pretty often and she always turned me down for activities... One shut me down completely and wouldn't talk to me anymore and also wouldn't tell me what I had done wrong when I tried to call her several times, and the third gave me an impression of "I would love to be there for you, but I would rather hang out with my cooler friends" - Seriously, we are not in high school anymore. I just don't get it.
Now I do have some friends left who I feel comfortable with, they are just very busy and live far away and I am so scared that they might also turn away from me.
Please don't get me wrong, I didn't pull any crap on any of them, other than dealing with some pretty hard things in my own life. I have always cared for my friends, explained and been open and honest. I don't get what is so wrong about wanting a little reassurance back or why they had to make me feel guilty about stuff that was hard for me in the first place. Now I don't know how to deal with them anymore.
I decided I might become a little more selfish after all...
Peace and love.

Littleowl-i want to say something nut i don't want to come off sounding harsh-i am not trying to be

There is one thing I have tried to implement into my life for awhile now. It is an idea I find helps develop me as a person at times and set boundaries at other times. See, when an entire group of people decide there is something "wrong" with me then - the fact is, something somehow did go wrong - either in my decision making (of my boundaries most likely but possibly other things as well) or in my personality/morals and once i discover what it was i can choose to change it or not to change it. So - I go about analyzing when I noticed any kind of changes in the way those people treated me and think about the situation and how I was reacting to it and to them and talk to them to try to understand how they felt about those things - then try to decipher everything based on that information and make the choices i want based on the conclusions

That way it gives me a chance to grow while possibly allowing the friendship(s) to remain

Does that make sense?

In other words - if I find a problem in me, I can change it if I choose

If I don't want to or if I don't find one I can choose to change my boundaries with the person

That's exactly the point. I have been looking for my problem, what I did wrong, all the time, but I am beginning to doubt these particular friendships. I want to change my boundaries with them, but I feel guilty for it. Does that make sense?

Don't feel guilty. If your friends cared about you they would be there for you, in some way, when you needed it. If they cannot for whatever reason, you can pull back and see if things change. There is nothing worse than a friend refusing to hash it out with you. That happened to me. Total shut down. Friendship cannot go anywhere if one or the other refuses to explain themselves after being asked. Try talking it out and working on a compromise. If that doesn't work at least you tried. Friends are not a dime a dozen, nor are they easily made, as some people suggest. Real friends will hang in there with you. I hope it works out. It's sad to lose a friend.

I feel guilty and ashamed because I asked friends for support and opened up to them with my problems and they kind of ran away. I was afraid, and I showed myself for who I truly am, and I guess some people decided that they didn't like that. I guess I became uncomfortable to them. But since neither of them would talk to me, I can only guess. I can understand what might have pissed people off maybe at one point or another, but I don't see how the things I did justifies their reactions - I can't stand it when someone talks down to me, for example.