Dumped after told girl I had bipolar disorder

I've dated this girl since September. We had many amazing dates and were getting physical. She was texting me every day. On the second date she opened up to me out of nowhere about having family abuse and intensely hating her dominant and controlling father. I listened and she was grateful that I listened and supported her.

After 6 dates I sensed we were going somewhere (she didn't want to have sex yet but we were intensely physical), I told her that I have bipolar type II disorder and had a suicide attempt 6 years ago. I told her how successfully I've been getting treatment and managed my disorder. She knows I work two jobs and go to school, and these are two high-intensity jobs. She told me she was surprised and worried because she has her own issues. She never opened up about them, though. The next date was very off. It was good for the first half, then the second half she began barraging me with questions.

-Are you officially diagnosed? Yes. Did they do brain scans? There are no brain scans for bipolar disorder, it's based on symptomology.
-What did it feel like and why did you commit suicide?
-etc.

Then she said she doesn't know if our relationship will work, because she has her own issues and doesn't know how two "unstable" people can be in a relationship. I was heartbroken and upset that she called me unstable. I told her I'm not unstable. I told her I'm not who I was 6 years ago. I was an angsty college kid that hadn't resolved any issues in therapy and wasn't medicated. She said "I don't give reassurances or communicate, nor do I like to talk things out with people. I can't give you a black and white answer about whether we will continue dating". She went on to explain that she had a serious relationship in her last year of college with an "unstable" guy who "said all the right words and swept me off my feet, but two years later I found out who he really was". Then she said due to her own stuff, she fears I may get triggered.

I walked back to the coffee house with her with my head down, trying to find a way to make an excuse to go home, but too shocked to do so. She then began opening up to me and telling me about her struggles with depression and how something had happened to her in her past that she wouldn't talk about. She told me she was envious that I had attempted suicide and that she sometimes thinks about it. She wanted a therapist so I told her I'd look for one. We began holding hands and kissing. The night ended well, she grabbed me and made out with me intensely. We made plans to see each other in two days. She thanked me for "not getting discouraged because she wasn't open or reassuring". I admit, ever since she opened up (inappropriately, IMO) on the second date about her father and the abuse, her and I got very emotionally intense and intimate. She tended to clam up a bit after that.

When we went on our next date, we went book shopping. All went well until we went to a restaurant. She pulled out her phone and texted nonstop, our convos were just dead-end. She wasn't initiating anything. She just seemed very off. We went for a walk after that and it was just as awkward and I even remarked that she seemed withdrawn. Tried to make plans for next date, she was vague, we barely agreed on them. I asked her if she'd like to make plans for the next date, she said she'd rather the man do it. She said she's looking for a decisive, strong man that can provide security, and a man who takes initiative and does all the work is a sign of that. She asked me what I look for in a woman. I said I like reciprocity and that a little initiation on the woman's part wouldn't be a bad thing. I told her that I don't always want to be the dominant, controlling one because she might resent me and believe in equality in relationships. I told her I especially would like some of that now, since I feel vulnerable for having told her that I had a mental illness. I told her my parents had divorced because my father did most of the pulling in the relationship and my mother didn't really put any effort, and even came to resent him for his role, although that's the role she wanted him to have. We went back, made out even more and she seemed to be into it, then suddenly pushed me off and said she needed to go. Got home, texted me and said she had a great night.

No contact the next day- I reached out and didn't get a reply. Then I texted her the following day and asked her if everything went okay on our last date, and that I sensed something was off. She said we need to talk. When she called she said she made her decision and while she will hear me out, she doesn't want to see me again. I asked why.

First she said "I can't put my finger on it, it's just a feeling, and I like following my gut". Then I said what did I do? She said "I don't know, you didn't do anything in particular. I guess it was a bunch of little things over time?" I said what does she mean? Then she said "I just think we have so much in common. Too much. It's a bad thing". I told her if anything I empathize with her and that's a good foundation. She said "I mean, you're a nice guy and you're amazing, but you can't give me what I want. And I can't give you what you want". I asked her to explain. She said "I want a man that doesn't need to ask me anything or communicate. I want a man that can just read my mind." Then she said "I also think you maybe like me more than I like you". I said okay, but can I respond? She said yes.

I told her it seemed everything went fine and that it seemed we both liked each other just as much and were on the same page until I told her that weekend that I had bipolar disorder. The next date she was hot and cold, and even called me "unstable". She said she didn't. I repeated it to her and she kind of admitted. I said she even compared me to her ex, which was unfair as it was a different person in a different context. I told her it pains me so much to be dumped for something I didn't ask to be born with, especially since I've been stable for 6 years and very successful at that, too! I also told her that after I made myself so vulnerable by telling her my biggest secret, it's natural for me to get anxious and attached because I feared getting dumped for my mental illness. I told her how strong of a person I am and how hurt I was that she thinks less of me. She said "No, wait. I've dated crazy men before. You're not crazy. You're great. I just don't feel we are compatible or have chemistry". I told her chemistry is gauged early on and it seems like too much of a coincidence for the trouble to start once I confessed my mental illness to her. I told her she broke my heart, hung up and texted her telling her that once she's done with therapy and healed from her past, she'll realize how painful it is to be dumped for it by someone who will judge her for it. She tried to play the soothing, graceful card by complimenting and assuring me that it wasn't about my illness. But, I'm a clinician and I'm trained to smell ********. It was about my illness. She had one foot out the door after my confession. She even told me she thought I said that to her too early.

On our last date she said that I can "read people very well" and that no one has been able to read her but that I read her very well. She said I'm also very comfortable to talk to and open up to. I complimented her on her passion and strength of character and she cynically laughed and asked how long I knew her for. I thought this was weird, and maybe her "you read people well" comment was sarcastic, or her gauging to see if I'm dumb enough to fall for that.

I don't know what to do. My colleague finally got back to me with a referral list of therapists in the area and I sent it to her via Facebook and texted her to let her know. She said thank you, but didn't read the referral list. In that list I also explained to her my side of things and apologized for things not working out. Seems she threw it out or sent it to the spam folder. My friends tried to reach out to her a few days before to talk to her and she ignored them. It seems she's made her decision.

I'm just so hurt. It really was about my bipolar disorder. None of the "things added up" until I told her about my diagnosis. My therapist even agrees, based on this girl's character.

How would you guys deal with this emotionally? I felt nothing for the first few days, but now it's hurting really bad.

I think she used the "I'm looking for the dominant man" and "you're looking for equality" bit to convince herself that this is the reason we aren't right for each other, and to try to convince me. But we dated for two months just fine and were progressing well until I told her I had bipolar disorder. I think she just doesn't want to accept that she dumped a guy for having a mental illness. She herself said she was surprised I have a mental illness, that I seemed so stable and "normal" (this was when I made the confession to her).

I told her everyone has baggage and that looking for someone "perfect" is nonsense. I told her that relationships take work and willingness. She seems to believe otherwise.

Further bit: on the fifth date we talked about prior dating experiences. I asked her "What about you, did you recently get out of a relationship?" and she gave me a microexpression that I think was a bit revealing. She looked like she was caught red-handed. She then told me her last relationship ended about a year ago. The guy lives near her family and she goes down and sees her family once every other week. This was the "unstable guy". She even complained on our last date about how in this country no one wants to work things out with their partners and are just ready to jump ship once a problem starts. I was a little worried she mentioned that because it came out of nowhere at all, and it made me think she may still be involved with or talking things out with her ex and just using me as a back up. I don't know. What do you guys think?

Run. There is not much invested yet and so much drama already? Sounds like she has alot to work out
On a side note you don't have to tell people your BP dx quickly. It's something that can wait

I actually believe in telling people I'm potentially getting close to straight up that I am Bipolar. Anytime I have waited has usually resulted in difficulty and awkwardness - the relationships have never quite been the same afterwards. While I don't broadcast my health, I don't hide it either.

I know it sucks but I think you should consider yourself fortunate to have this end before you have a stonger emotional bond invested.

Yeah there are usually two schools of thought
Fast full disclosure or waiting
I say wait and let someone get to know you first. You don't even know if it's going to work out
I wouldn't expect my date to reveal everything about him right away either
But everybody has to do what they are comfortable with
I just mentioned it to him because some people feel. Like they have to share or some even think it's cool to share

I'm sorry . A lot of people are so close-minded.

I think you dodged a bullet. She doesnt want to communicate? She wants someone who can read her mind? Thats a setup. The other person will always be wrong! You dont want her raising your kids. You sound like a great guy. You dont need someone immature like this.

I also think you dodged a bullet, she has her own issues she needs to work on yet.

Shyt...

Yeah, I have PTSD. Its pretty severe. I can hold things in.....but only for so long. I'm pretty "out" about my disorder because if I'm not, people take my actions VERY personally. They don't understand why I act the way that I do. If I need a breather, they think they did something wrong. If I go into panic mode, ditto. I much rather be honest from the get-go and let the cards fall where they may. I probably do scare people off, but SO WHAT? These people never would stick around if I held off disclosing for awhile longer.

This girl sounds like a train wreck. She's giving you all sorts of BS excuses. I think you dodged a bullet.

BUT, to be fair, I won't date anyone else who has a mental disorder. Maybe this sounds wrong, but I am very easily de-stabilized so I know myself well enough to know that I couldn't be strong enough to support someone else through their struggles. Well, I take that back....I could probably handle certain mental disorders, but I cannot handle other people with PTSD (not even as friends), or any other illnesses that are on the more severe end of things. In this respect, I do understand what this girl is saying. I don't excuse her calling you unstable (because I know that cuts to the bone), but I do understand only wanting to be with people who are not *affected* as we are. (Yet, TBH, I seriously doubt this girl has reasoned through it all as I have.....she sounds quite judgmental if you want my honest opinion.) I guess what I'm trying to say is that my desire to be with people who don't have a mental disorder is about me and my own stability rather than being discriminatory against the mentally ill.

That's nonsense. People change entirely every 7 years simply due to our bodies naturally growing new cells. You're a completely different person now and shouldn't be punished for your past.

It's for the best that she deleted herself. You deserve better.

I don't think you should blame this on your disclosure. Why not take her at face value? She wants a mind reader. You aren't one (because there's no such thing). She does not sound all that stable and may not be ready for the kind of mutual relationship you are interested in.

I agree with others that you dodged a bullet. It sounds to me like she may had a personality disorder, and I say that as someone who does have a personality disorder. The way she started sharing really intense, personal information so soon is a common red flag, it creates a false sense of emotional intimacy, and often the person with the PD doesn't even realize that that's what they are doing because they so desperately want to fill that emotional hole in themselves.

The next telltale sign is that she started running cold as soon as you, too, turned out to be a human being with past and present struggles of your own. Commonly a person with certain PDs is like an emotional vacuum or black hole. Not only do they get very serious and personal very quickly to create that false emotional intimacy, but they also feel a psychological need for you to basically play the role of their personal, infallible, robotic therapist. If you have emotional needs of your own, it just freaks them out.

Based on the details provided, I honestly think it is very unlikely that she dumped you because you have bipolar disorder, and much more likely because she is a dysfunctional emotional black hole and can't handle a real bond with a real human being.

Again, just my honest 2 cents as someone who has self-aware BPD, myself.

This exactly. ^

She could've had a bad argument with her father earlier during the day which led her to saying what she said on second date. Doesn't necessarily have to be a PD... I mean I agree its not normal at all to **** talk your father on a second date with a guy but according to her I am easy to talk to and be open with. I made the mistake of being open with her after that. I am the one with PD characteristics, I wanted more emotional intimacy after she opened up. I have an anxious attachment and need closeness.

My suggestion is to have a plan when you next get into a relationship. Not just what kind of person you are looking for but what will be the best time and under what conditions will you disclose your bipolar.

I was totally thinking that too but I didn't want to say it based on so little info.

To CTB: I agree with everyone else on dodging the bullet though. I don't think it had anything to do with your mental illness. I think she wanted (don't care what she said, actions speak louder than words) you to devote all your time, energy, and attention to her. When she realized that it wasn't going to be you tending to her problems constantly, because you are not perfect and have problems of your own, she went cold. HUGE red flags in what you described:

NO. why?!? Why would you do it for her? She has access to the internet. I can see pointing her in the right direction, I often let people know about places that do sliding scale without insurance or explain how community mental health centers work, but I don't give them the names and numbers. Because we are all adults and everyone has a phone where they can google "my city community mental health" etc.

You know this is a red flag, you know it was inappropriate! These are the things that should ping the back of your mind to say, "I should be cautious with this woman." not "Wow, she opened up about really intimate stuff, she really trusts me. She picked me to open up to." I feel so strongly about this I'd put money on her wanting 100% of your energy and attention and she withdrew because she realized she might not be able to get it because you have a bipolar dx. So while that may be the reason, it's not the reason in the way you are thinking.

You're focusing on the fact that she said two "unstable" people shouldn't be together and completely ignoring the fact that she's calling herself unstable. This girl has spelled out for you exactly why you do not want to get seriously involved with her. I'm not saying this is you, but I know that sometimes people who want to help other people as a career get drawn to romantic partners that need help too. I've done it, I've seen my friend who was a psychology major do it. People sense our capacity for empathy and they crave that. The relationships are always very unbalanced because one person is in a parental, enabling kind of role. Clinicians are the WORST at seeing our own problematic feelings and behaviors.

I'm sorry you are hurting.

Update:

Her and I talked to each other the other night. She had reached out asking to see if I sent her any list of therapists. So I sent it to her. Later asked if she made an appt, and she said she may not do therapy because she doesn't have time. I asked if she really wanted therapy, and she said "I know it's important, and I know I said I think of suicide but it's not a big deal, I'm sure others do all the time". And then I set a time to talk. We talked on the phone. She opened up a lot, topic changed to our break up after some time.

What I got out of our convo has helped me look at myself differently.

I personally am someone who attaches very quickly to people once the emotional intimacy thing gets rolling. If the other side creates intimacy, I get intimate with them. I'm not usually one to start the intimacy thing, and I take things at a pace, but usually when we break that emotional intimacy barrier, I get more and more attached. For me, 2-3 months of dating at 2x a week is enough for me to know whether I want to be in a relationship with the person. I like the deep side of things. I am someone who craves and needs human warmth, closeness. I process my emotions by being around and with people, talking to them, listening to them. I remember my last year in college I was living on my own, a recluse, and this is what led to my spiral into depression. That year I spent time on forums, chat roulette, reading books, smoking cigarettes, and drinking wine. Slowly the book topics shifted from literature to books on death, existentialism, etc. That was more or less an emotional barometer for me.

I've been quick to attach since perhaps 12-13. I'm also very self-centered in relationships. I seek to get my needs met. I always reciprocate, but when I want my needs met, I get impatient. I have lots of emotional needs. I often overwhelm people with my attachment and give people more emotional credit than they give me.

Next thing is, I seek reassurance from people. I can make my own decisions, but I often bounce ideas off people and believe they know better than I do. When it comes to relationships, when I get vulnerable, I seek reassurance. I sabotage by doing things to make myself vulnerable and thus start the cycle of insecurity.

My dependency, abandonment and attachment issues can manifest themselves in control or needy behavior. That's enough for a girl who hates her "dominant, controlling father" to run for the hills. I remember relating to this girl in one of our talks that I wouldn't want a partner who hasn't been through something or struggled with something. She looked very uncomfortable when I said that. As if I wanted a "work in progress" to dominate, control, and shape, so that she would owe everything to me in a wonderful codependent relationship.

She mentioned in our phone call that she ended her last relationship because she saw her father in him. Then she quickly backed up, restated "er, um not last relationship, but uh, one of my previous ones". Then she mentioned that she had jumped the gun with me and understood that I got needy because of my vulnerability after my confession, but that she took it as I'm dependent and needy and that reminded her of her ex. But after that she said that's not the reason she broke up with me. She said "I don't want to be cruel, but it was physical. You're attractive. But I believe in pheromones and you just don't turn me on when we kiss." She tried to soften the blow by telling me about her best guy friend who she'd marry in a heartbeat who also doesn't give her the right "pheromones" and why I shouldn't be upset. I call ********.

Here's the thing. I'm kind of bottom-of-the-barrel when it comes to dating.

My family was very enmeshed and abusive. My mother never wanted to marry or have kids. She never wanted me, she was too young to be a mother and resented it. She also resented marrying my father, who was more or less pushed on her by her domineering and manipulative mother. My mother was never around when I was a kid, and when she was, she was an abusive hot mess. Beating my father and me. My father was a very dependent and submissive man. He was an overcommunicator. My mother's brothers were brutes and highly abusive and I was subjected to childhood physical abuse regularly. They'd take their anger out on me and my cousin all the time. When I was 5 I saw my cousin get raped.

Fast forward to 13, my manipulative grandmother had turned me against my father and physical fights between my parents were regular. They divorced, but my mother told me she wants my opinion in the divorce and if I were to tell her not to, she wouldn't. She said this in front of my crying father. So I told her to divorce him and that he was evil. I never forgave myself for breaking my father's heart. I know my father is a weak and dependent man, and my mother is a huge abuser. My father saw my mother as a broken "work in progress" who he could mold, shape, repair, and "change" to a better person. But not so much better that she'd leave him.

I know I'm much like my father. My father's neediness- although I love him to death- turns me off at times, too. And when I hang out with him I notice it's more about him and I being in close proximity to each other. It's almost as if his dopamine and serotonin levels rise when he is in the presence of another human being. It's the physical closeness, the security he gets from being in the presence of another human, that makes him so needy. And he sometimes forgets that I have a life, too. So I have several times taken "breaks" from him because he gets too needy and in these times it becomes apparent that it's about himself, trying to fill an emotional black hole.

I see him in me all the time. My mother would always remind me that I'm just like him. I have a very broken family and really had no affection or anything growing up, and yet every aspect of my life was controlled. My friends would be picked for me, my grandmother and father wouldn't allow me to even think for myself, etc.

I have a lot of borderline personality traits, but also traits of narcissism and dependent personality disorder. Overall just a junkyard wreck of a man. I'm great at a distance, but my relationships NEVER work out.

Being needy/dependent means being inherently selfish. It means being one sided. When we talked the other night I asked her if my 50/50 reciprocity comment turned her off, she said "You said that, but I realized that you indeed aren't like that"... which didn't make sense if you think that her saying "I want a dominant, decisive guy" should be taken at face value. This girl was one of the smartest people I've ever dated. A true bookworm and highly intelligent at math and several other subjects. Her telling me she wanted a dominant guy to make all the decisions was in fact a set-up. When I told her I want 50/50, and that my father and mother divorced because my father did everything and eventually my mother resented her, she connected the dots. My father was a dependent weakling who became possessive and controlling (this was true) and I modeled myself after him. That's when things changed, that's why she pushed me off as we kissed. And she WOULD do this round-about sneaky method of expressing her needs/wants because her father dominated and controlled her as well as invalidated her her whole life. She had even told me how she went to lengths to run away from him, had to falsify documents and everything, had to get people to lie for her, etc.

The truth is, my father was a kind and decent human being, but who never recovered from a massive childhood abandonment. He was very needy, emotional and dependent and his whole family knew this about him. He sought my mother who was extremely and obviously damaged because he could "change her" and "make her better", meaning he could control her, and keep her in check so she doesn't get too well that she leaves him. He saw her as prey. This is traditional codependency and it came from my father's weakness as a person. His neediness came out in control, which was very manipulative at times. After the divorce, he became weak and needy, when prior to that, he was controlling and possessive. Relationships were about filling an emotional void for him, and there were many times that I as a son had to break off contact with him because of how needy he would get.

So, I understand why this girl dumped me. She wouldn't say the real reason, because she spent so much time telling me how terrible of a person her father was. But she kind of had that Freudian slip in our talk the other night when we talked about parent dynamics played out in dating and she said "Yeah, I actually ended my last relationship because I saw my father in him... er, I mean, not last relationship, but a previous one". She's kind of unaware of what she says at times, I recall. Her pheromones comment was just her throwing a lame excuse to not only emasculate me but make herself seem of low intelligence so I can get over her quicker.

I always knew I was a self-centered piece of ****. That's why things never work out for me.

I wonder what kind of talk did you have when you started seeing each other. Because she disclosed her heavy baggage too quickly. I can only see this happening if there was some space created for the subject, be it by a tragic or gloomy tone in your conversation or by something you both ended up exposing without noticing. I find it hard to picture this coming up in most first weeks of dating I can imagine.

I'm not the best example as I'm absolutely scared of sharing with people also out of fear it being used against me in some way. But I don't see how being open up front about very deep issues like abuse or dysfuncional families can be useful. Not suggesting people should just bottle up everything... it's just that delicate subjects are delicate subjects and I will get red flags if people use it to bond with others or bring this up during a bonding phase like that. It's clearly different from looking for insight because you've got too much on your plate.

Maybe I saw things wrong. sorry if it does not apply to her or this relationship, but I consider this girl to be very immature. She sounded like someone in that "just turned 20 and I'm very confused about feelings and life" phase.

Anyway, sometimes it's really not you, people just want an ear for their problems.

We had a nice convo and a walk and we were asking bucket list questions, so I asked her if there is one thing you can do for someone important to you in your life, and look back at it later in life, what would you do?

She said she'd take her mother and sisters to Italy. I replied that "family is really important, huh?" and she said "Yeah. But I also believe that just because someone is your family doesn't mean you have to love them or forgive them." And then she began talking about how abusive her father was and how he was a terrible human being, etc and how she will never forgive him. She said he abused her mother profusely and abused her, controlled her life and dominated her in every way, that she didn't have friends and wasn't allowed to have fun or date, etc.

That was all on the second date.

Now on the first date, she and I had talked about books. She talked about Huxley's books, and I talked about Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. I explained existential psychology and philosophy, and I said that my personal life view is existential. I have reached a point where I realize that I can make meaning for myself. She interjected very defensively and said "I don't think everyone can do that. I think many people can't find meaning and live empty lives." I explained that it's just my personal opinion and everything is individual. She explained how her life is empty and meaningless, and how she has struggled to find meaning, etc.

Also on the first date she explained that her father imposed everything on her and controlled her and didn't let her or her sisters choose their own religion.

So while on the first date we talked intellectual stuff and philosophy and it kind of got personal, there was some need on her part to express the father thing in some way. Then on the second date it came out. It seemed she was just bubbling to talk bad about her father.

It's her brilliant way, IMO of weeding out men who are like her father.

My therapist told me that I am so used to having my needs invalidated that I actively seek and accept crumbs, and think that wanting a mutually loving, communicative, and reciprocal relationship is being "too needy".

Yes. She sounded like she needed someone to talk about her own personal tragedies and her feelings were confused with this need. It just fits well with the intellectual existentialism talk.

Again, it's not your fault, it's something you must be aware of next time, because I think this was just bad luck of meeting this girl.

I still think it's very immature to give the amount of excuses for a break up she gave you and then reach for you to ask about the list of therapists you promised. Without even reasoning she goes from "Oh, I don't think we work because of X" to "I think we shouldn't see because of Z" and on to "you know, I realized it's in fact because of Y". A mature person would say "it isn't really working, we should see other people" instead of letting every thought that rans through her head spills out onto you. You already got that she doesn't want to go on with this, what is she expecting? That you help her figure her own feelings?

Hahaha, well. I asked her why, that's why she said those excuses. BC to me it was too weird that things changed so quickly after my confession.

We accept the love we think we deserve CTB. If you believe this, it will manifest in your relationships. I spent many years despising people that loved me because I didn't think I deserved love and thought they must be weak, poor judges of character. That didn't turn out so well for me, as you can imagine. You have a lot going on, dating might not be the best idea for you right now.

You might try re-reading your last few posts as though someone else had written them and think about how you'd respond. I see you taking a lot of responsibility for your parents' actions and beliefs. My family is really messed up too. What I ended up doing was taking some time off from dating to work on myself. I decided to become the person someone I would want to date would want to date. It was tough, I stayed single for over a year but then I met an amazing person who had actually done the exact same thing. We had both worked through enough of our s*** that we believe we deserve the other and it's the best relationship I could ever imagine. There's no way it would have ever happened if we both hadn't done extensive work on ourselves though.