[aceoffx]

I'm a 23 year old male. I am not sure if my problem can be even considered serious enough to post here considering it isn’t really about romantic relationship. I don’t have bipolar but I have been having serious mood swings(more than usual) for the past few weeks or so over this girl from Austria named Elle(fictional). Before I go on I want to say that I don’t have any disorders, but I have had low self-esteem since my teenage years. I am from S.Korea and right after finishing my mandatory military service, I became a vegan. My family started ridiculing me and I would actually try to take it positively if only my relationship with them has been good for most of my life. But it wasn’t, so I hated them more than ever for ridiculing me. that was last March. Ever since then I have been alone, felt like the only vegan in my country (ppl here are not even familiar with vegetarianism, most have never even heard of the word vegan) thus I felt so alien. I’ve always felt alien in my country(I never liked its collectivist and conservative culture) but going vegan made me feel more alien.

It was late September or so that I finally decided to reach out and find fellow Vegans in Seoul. I eventually settled with 3 friends. For convenience I’ll use fictional names for all; Chris(female graduate student from Florida), Mac(A male student with british and korean citizenship), and there’s Elle(Austrian). I’m in a lot of pain right now. It’s only been like a month or so since the 4 of us started hanging out and I’m at the verge of leaving the group because this doesn’t feel like a group of 4 but 3. I met Chris first before I met the rest. I felt immediate attraction towards her. Later on turned out she suffers from lower self esteem than me. She has a history of self-harm and attempted suicide(sth I never experienced) and she’s more sensitive than I am. I wanted to help her and you could say I had a crush on her but then came Mac. Chris introduced me to him on the day we met and I learned later on that both of them were actually pansexuals and asexuals. They are aromantic as well. On top of all that, Chris admires Mac alot. Mac is a engineering student, he loves reading tons of articles and writing organized reports and he’s also interested in changing the world into a better place. That’s what makes him vegan and he’s also passionate about effective altruism(hell, he’s ). This all made me feel so inferior. I loathed reading tons of articles and writing reports in M/HS( dad used to beat the **** out of me not only for disliking school but getting low grades. I link reports to M/HS as I don’t really do any of that in college and my dislike for it had to do with my low grades ), it’s one of the reasons that got me into graphic design major. i believe this is why she admires him so much. I can hear her complimenting him all the time but never me. Unlike Chris and me, Mac also has a lot of self respect.

I was already feeling jealous to death(I no longer have romantic feelings toward Chris but I still felt left out) when Elle kicked in. we met Elle at a vegan meet up just couple weeks after Chris and Mac. She’s very sweet and adorable 18 year old, just graduated HS and she’s here in korea to major in psychology. She too has self respect unlike me and Chris. she also loves people(me and Chris are misanthropes, i’d say we both were before we even became vegan). Elle and i became close very fast. She really loves hugs, one of the things she said when we first met was ‘why is everyone so hesitant about givings hugs? Hugs solves everything’. When she saw me hugging Chris before separating, she wanted to give me one too and she did. When we first met after that day, she immediately wrapped her arms around my neck and said that she missed me. I felt so important. Later that day, I realized she’s enjoys holding hands with both men and women. I asked if i could hold her hands and she happily allowed me. I knew that this doesn’t mean she has a crush one me at all, it was just her way of expressing friendship and I knew not to mistaken it as a romantic one. I invited her to my place for a movie that weekend and since we both loved hugs, we cuddled together a lot and she wanted to do all that without the rule of only bf/gf relationship can do it thing. She even called me her cushion. I knew this wasn’t a romantic relationship but I was at least hoping that it will develop into one. Sadly it turns out she’s both Pansexual and Asexual as well(but not Aromantic). I was a bit unhappy in the beginning but decided not to let it get in the way of our friendship and it actually did not in the beginning. Elle was later invited to our group making it 4 friends. Thing is I just couldn’t help but feel left out considering I’m the only heterosexual among the group.

Our sexualities didn’t get in the way until the day me, Elle, and Mac visited a theme park together. Up until then I thought Mac and I both mattered to her equally but that day on the theme park proved me wrong. I tried holding her hands and she refused(the night before the 4 of us were all holding hands together) this time but always held onto Mac’s. I felt so miserable that day and I wondered if I did sth wrong to her. She also didn’t really seem to be interested in what I was saying but always responded happily to Mac. Later that night we met Chris and went to have dinner. This was when I could clearly see the admiration on both Chris and Elle’s eyes towards Mac. That moment, I realized this is not a group of 4 but 3. I felt so left out that night and on top of all that, Elle continued to refuse holding my hand while still latching onto Mac and sometimes Chris. Few days later I decided to ask if I had done sth wrong. Elle says I’ve done nothing wrong and that she’s sorry if she made me feel left out, she wasn’t expecting me to. But, she and Mac are bff and that is why there are times she doesn’t want to hug/hold hands with anyone but him. I was extremely disturbed by this, I know that I matter to her but just the fact that Mac matters to her a lot more than I do kept bothering me. I was jealous sick so i made the mistake of asking her what’s sth Mac has that I don’t? I immediately showed her that I regret asking her that and she tells me that this shows how much I hate myself (she already knew before btw) and that she does value me but she has different affections towards ppl and she cannot help feeling that way. I tried to be rational, this is sth I cannot control and have to get over it and try to be the best friend I can be to her. But I just couldn’t help feeling jealous and furious! What made me even more furious was when I learned that she and Mac are going on a 2 week trip around the country during winter break, staying in cheap motels and sharing the same room to cut the costs. Now Mac is about to sleep with her! This fact was so painful for me to bear and I was just so angry! If you know Elle, you’ll know her relationship with Mac is not a romantic one at all, she’s just that comfortable around people. Even though I know they are both asexuals, I wouldn’t be surprised if they actually have sex during the trip. They claim this really is not a romantic one but I don’t really care. Just the fact that Mac matters to her a lot more than I do kept poking me where it hurt.

I decided to take control of myself. I think I unintentionally showed my anger at Elle, she seemed to distance herself a little from me. I did not want our relationship to be ruined so I decided to get confident. Even though I cannot be her bff, I could at least try to be a good friend and if she likes me enough, she might consider me her bff too. I was hoping for that so I tried to be confident and it actually worked. I acted confident around her and I think she actually started liking me again. We went back to hugging and holding hands. But the thing is, the fact that she’s gonna sleep with Mac for 2 straight weeks disturbs me greatly. I was able to act positive and smile a lot around Elle and she seems to like me that way, but the moment we separate, all the anger and frustration comes rushing back at a overwhelming level. You might wonder if I have a crush on Elle. Thing is I’m not so sure if I want her to be my gf yet. I am overwhelmed with pain and misery right now, I even lost a little bit of appetite. I feel dead inside, like a zombie. I felt this way before I even met all 3 of them but after knowing about the trip, I feel even more dead inside. I see no reason to keep on living, I don’t even think I deserve to be happy or deserve any of the 3 friends that i have right now. Mac is a nice guy, I feel extremely jealous but I don’t hate him because he’s done nothing wrong and I know I’m the bad guy here. All the angers i feel right now I think are more geared towards myself than anyone.

I just couldn’t keep it in so I one time I confided in Chris about this and she tells me to talk to them about how i feel. I just couldn’t tell Elle I’m jealous so I went over to Mac and told him everything. He was very cool about it, didn’t judge me at all. In fact he assured me this isn’t the traditional bf/gf relationship and that they r just friends. He also told me jealousy is a normal thing and anyone who is jealous will act like me. He even sent me articles on jealousy and how to deal with them which I found very irritating, made me feel even more inferior. I still don’t hate him though, he went further to say I have good reason to feel left out, 3 asexuals and 1 heterosexual is a extremely rare case and that he doesn’t know what to say or do about me feeling this way. I really feel like a horrible person but I want Elle not to go on the trip and not to have fun with a friend. Mac asked me if this is what i wanted and that was my answer. He told me he understands and knows that it is painful but pain is sth one has to deal with alone. I just couldn’t argue against that. When I talked to him, I was hoping just a little bit that it would alleviate my pain even a little. But it didn’t at all and my pain is as hard as before. It still is. The reason why I hesitated to tell any of them how much I feel left out and how much I think about leaving the group is because I felt like a whiny little baby begging for attention. I still do. Feeling left out is one thing, wanting to be Elle’s bff alongside Mac is another. The only reason why I still havn’t left the group is because I feel it’s too early. It’s been like only a month or so since the 4 of us started hanging out together. there is s till a chance that I might become Elle’s bff in the future if not now and she even expressed interest in going on trips with me too(it sure won’t be happening for at least a year but). She’s also on the lead on making plans for my upcoming birthday. I feel like I should instead just be grateful for what I have considering ppl have different levels of affection and i cannot control it. Elle clearly cares about me(not as much as before but) and I feel horrible just wanting more from her. I wish to hang out just the two of us but Elle rejected saying she wants at least one day in a week alone, but she would often invite Mac to her place! All these factors angers me greatly and they are easily buried when I’m with her. I’m still in a lot of pain and I try to just suck it up and forget about it but I just can’t. I feel dead inside because I don’t plan on committing suicide but I also don’t see a reason to be happy and keep living on. I know none of you can do anything for me but I still write here in hopes of alleviating my pain even a little bit. That was a long one, I would like to thank you a lot if you read this far about my immature complaints. I really appreciate it.... If you guys have any advice, pls share. Thank you so much.....

I had a really difficult read and I'm not sure I understand but the short of it is I take it you are incompatible. If they are supportive as a friend then continue this relationship. But you need to set some boundaries and expectations for yourself and what you are prepared for that relationship to look like. Included in these expections are the circumstances which you are prepared - and must - walk away.

[aceoffx]

sorry if it's hard to read. Is there anyway I can cut it down into paragraphs so its easier to read? I keep cutting but they keep on sticking back together whenever i click post. Anyway, thanks for the reply!

[ChipperMonkey]

Sorry I couldn't read it. Can you break it up into paragraphs? On my iPhone it's one long wall of text that's very difficult to read.