[*Laurie*]

Three and a half decades ago my boyfriend was consistently hot-cold toward me. Would tell me he loved me, then tell me he wasn't sure about us. I was *madly in love* with him, so hung in there for 3 years. Time came when I was offered a good (temporary) job in a different town, happily left the relationship, saw some one else, made a new life, and so on. My bf decided that he'd made a major mistake and begged me (literally begged me) to reconsider and marry him - that we'd have the family I so wanted. I wasn't interested in marrying him...but my finances were tight, I really wanted to start a family, my bf was financially secure, and he happily agreed that I should be the stay-at-home mom I so wanted to be.

We married. We had two wonderful children. He was hardly the attentive husband he had promised to be and the marriage was rocky and hard work. But, for the most part I had what I wanted in life. I was a mom, and that meant just about everything to me.

About 15 years passed, the kids were teens, the marriage was hardly bearable. Husband and I separated, but did not divorce. We both saw other people a little bit, but always more or less ended up back together, at least in spirit.

The kids grew up, went off to universities, are now living their lives, quite successfully. I am an empty nester, pretty miserable, painfully lonesome, live in the same town as my legal husband, but not in the same house. He's a hoarder with severe OCD, I battle major depression and anxiety. I don't so much want to live with him...but I'd sure rather live with him than be alone like I am. He does not, and cannot, live with me. (He says we're "best friends" and I can see what he means.) I'm not perfect enough for him as far as wife material (no one and nothing is perfect enough, all part of his OCD issues).

Today I brought up, with him, how I feel. How rotten I feel. How lonesome, how abandoned. I wasn't angry or hostile, just said what I had to say. My husband cried. He said, "I feel like I've ruined your life and I am so sorry for that." He means, he's ruined my life by giving me the hot-cold treatment for 30+ years, and for being such a neglectful husband.

I choose not to be bitter, but I can't choose not to feel very sad. I mean, this is my life. I am financially entirely dependent on my husband. Do not have career skills to get more than a minimum wage job. Don't have the ability to go to school or anything like that. Thoughts, anyone?

[llleeelllaaannneee]

That sounds profoundly painful. I dated and fell in love with someone that blew hot and cold. We were really good friends and probably still would be but the last time he turned up the heat I got so scared I ran from it, the heart break part was just so painful. I can only imagine what decades with him would have been like (not all bad, many of my best days ever were with him but oh so painful when he was back to cold).

Do you have some positive social outlets that don't involve him? If not people here are bound to have lots of suggestions for finding some.

There's something kind of touching and profound about the exchange you shared. If there was any doubt, I hope it releases you from looking to this person for what he seems incapable of giving or the belief you could have done something to make him love you in a way he isn't capable of loving.

[*Laurie*]

llleee, Thank you very much for your reply. You hit on some excellent points. I have been so isolated in recent months, but am working hard to try to find social connections...attending support groups and I'm going to a volunteer training at my local library this coming week, see what's available with that. Over the years, I'm used to socializing without my husband, but the time has come for me to recreate social connections.

It helps so much to hear that there was nothing I ever could have done to make myself perfect enough for my husband. His OCD is so ingrained in his personality and behavior that he often doesn't even recognize it himself. No one in his life is ever "just right" or "perfect enough" - least of all, himself...he is wracked with guilt and self-condemnation, and refuses medication or therapy. If I were to choose a song that described my husband, I'd choose Desperado. He's been handed the world on a platter, but never can accept it in peace and happiness because of his mental health conflicts.

[*Laurie*]

Thanks for the hug, ChipperMonkey

[divine1966]

Sending you hugs. Listen I don't know how old you are but its never too late. You can go to school and get a degree and have a career and be on your feet and not depend on him. Start over

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[*Laurie*]

Thanks, divine1966. I'm almost 53. Who knows...maybe one of these days I'll find the energy and determination to do what you said. Right now I feel so worn out and exhausted I barely make it through the days. But, one never knows...