How do I help my in-laws?

My in-laws are well over the age of retirement, and are still working. They work to support their 43 year old daughter (half support), 17 year old grandson (full support, he's quit school & been to juvenile detention for drugs), 25 year old granddaughter (full support), and 7 year old great granddaughter (full support). In-laws joke about wanting to move away, but can't seem to ever cut the ties. My in-laws can't get away to visit us, because they are always taking care of the grand/great grandkids. The daughter stays at the same job for years, making a little over minimum wage, and has dropped out of college a gazillion times. She will not apply for a better job or want to "move up." She had her kids out of wedlock, and the father never helped. So, the grandparents raised their grandkids. Then, the girl grandchild had a kid out of wedlock, and the boyfriend has long gone. Now, the granddaughter refuses to apply for a job. It's like she's afraid of applying for a job, and has quit college 3 times. She will only apply where her friend works, and has only one job (where a friend worked).

Needless to say, my in-laws have not been able to save much for their retirement. They just began saying that they now want to run away, and have stated that they now "hate" their moochers. But, they are always handing the moochers money for decades. This money is used for necessities, including smokes of legal and illegal stuff. I can see where one day this will try to get dumped on our laps. My husband and I don't mind looking after my in-laws if they can't live independently, but not the rest of them.

In a way, I can say that my in-laws were helpful to this mess. When their daughter was doing well in college (her last attempt), they started in on "she needs a job because we're out of money." So, she got a job making a little over minimum wage and quit college. My in-laws talk about 'how horrible' work is, vilify the rich or upper class, state that birth control will make you fat or cause cancer, and are very "Debbie Downer"/world is a dangerous place/don't trust people type people. It's always been too much of a problem to get the grandkids involved in sports, or to become involved with homework. They are always saying that that's their daughter's responsibility to deal with the schools, but she doesn't ever do much but Facebook. She does have a new guy she's been dating for a year , and he seems good (has job, not in jail, or on drugs), but the in-laws are not warm to him. The two are talking about marriage, but it seems like the daughter is afraid to disappoint her parents. Could my in-laws be keeping their brood dependent on them on purpose? That seems too crazy. But, my mother in law and her 7 sisters moved thousands of miles from their parents. I think she was afraid of the empty nest. But, now that they are 70, they are now realizing that they can't keep up this pace?

Is there anything I can say or do? Or, do I just watch the train wreck happen?

Unless they ask you for help with this and (most importantly) are willing to follow through on setting limits with the "moochers" in their lives, there is not much you can do. You can lend a sympathetic ear from time to time and say something like, "It's tough to hear your struggles; is there anything I can do to help?" and leave it at that. Based on what you are reporting, they are competent in the eyes of the law and are doing this of their own free will, so interventions on your behalf may not be very productive.

Everything your in-laws are doing is their choice. They may not see it that way but they are choosing to support all of these relatives. They are choosing to give them money, they are choosing to let them live rent-free in their home, they are choosing to enable them. So yep all you can do is watch the train wreck unless you'd like to take on the financial and emotional responsibility of many grown adults. It's possible that they're trying to keep the children/grandchildren dependent on them but it doesn't really matter if they're doing it purposely or out of a misguided sense of obligation. It might be tough and it might make them feel really uncomfortable but they could kick every last one of them out.

The argument is always "Oh but he/she will end up on the street!" Well, they're 25 years old they need to figure out how to take care of themselves. Tough love? Perhaps but the alternative is working to support them til you die! Miraculously the "moochers" always seem to move on to find someone else to mooch off when whomever they're using gets tired of it.

Nothing you say or do will change how your in-laws live. Who cares why they do it? It's a bunch of craziness and passing on of dysfunction from generation to generation. Be glad they all live at a distance. Don't even waste time thinking much about what they're all doing and who is causing or enabling what.

You help your in-laws by keeping your mind on your own affairs.

"they are choosing to enable them"

Yes, you are absolutely right. I think I will deal with by listening to them "complain" about the moochers for 2 minutes. Then, I will say, "It is your choice to continue to help them. Where do you think they will be at in 3 years if you continue to help them?" I'll let you know how it goes.

Everyone needs to sit down and take a look at what your in-laws furture will look like. How will they be cared for when the time comes.

My former mother in law financially supported my ex's siblings - in a very big way (holidays, shopping, even bought a condo for two of the grandchildren). Today she has taken ill and is waiting for plaacement in government run nursing home because those same ungrateful children/grand children won't offer up a dime.

i guess it would be better to live in a govn't housing place than to be taking care of all these other people. at age 70 there will be more illnesses. i agree with everyone here and i think you should take their advice.

You can always say "I prefer not to talk about this anymore." if they refuse to drop it. Most of the time people refuse to see what they don't want to see, because if we acknowledge it's a problem them we are actively choosing not to fix it. Whatever your in-laws want out of this situation is probably impossible, so they stay stuck. Even though it's a choice, they probably won't "hear" it when you try to tell them. That's their choice too. You have the choice to listen as much or as little as you want. I hope it helps!!