I've met this woman...

In my weaving class going on now. She's an anthropologist, and quite eccentric, retiring from MU this year and going to Bali to build a house/cabana sort of thing. She's a wealth of knowledge and really fascinating. She talks lecture style though, and hovers over my loom lecturing as long as I remain in the weaving studio. I converse with her, and even brought her a book on Indonesian Textiles today from my library. On the one hand, she's very interesting, having studied all over the world, BUT, on the other hand, I really would enjoy the quiet time at my loom after the other students have departed. She talked over me and my loom for almost 4 hours today! She's a bird-like little woman, over 60, and seems really lonely and starved for attention. In my polite, compassionate nature, she seems to have focused on me, and this pattern of staying and talking seems to be what I'll have now for the duration of the summer term. Everyone else treats her like a quirky eccentric, which she IS, though at the same time, very interesting, if one can stand to listen to long monologues and lectures, responding in monosyllables! I don't know how to handle this...I've allowed her to do this, and now the pattern seems to be set, though I would really like some quiet time at my loom!
Any suggestions?
Patty

What comes to mind is starting a pattern that gives her time to talk and gives you time to be alone...

I'm thinking something on the lines of, "I so enjoy spending time with you and I have about xx minutes today to talk...then I'm going to have some personal downtime"

It sounds like you enjoy some of the conversations...when the time draws near - let her know how nice it was to talk with her and your sure you can set some time aside to talk again another day."

Hopefully this will good for both of you?

i've had to do what Direction said with massage therapists. i enjoy chatting briefly, but this is my personal relaxation period and i'd rather not talk throughout the massage......it always works for me........

OH my gosh...I just don't know if I can do this!!! I'm so empathetic towards people, ya know! I have enjoyed hearing her life story and the recounting of all her travels, etc., but, like I said before, I need my own quiet time. One solution I see is that the painting professor has offered me a cubicle in the painting studio just adjacent to the weaving studio, and I can go there in the afternoon till she's gone from weaving. Hopefully, she won't follow me into the painting studio!
Thanks Direction and Pat!
Patty

WOW! That's a tough one! I had a similar thing happening to me while walking my dog. There's a lonely old woman (as if I'm not old! LOL) that sits out on her porch. We started by saying "Hi" to each other and pretty soon she was having me stop to talk. She would have kept me there all day if I had allowed it.

It started annoying me because she expected me to stop and chat. I didn't one day and she guilted me by saying, "You don't come by here anymore!" No, I didn't. I started taking anothe route if I didn't feel chatty... or rather, like listening to her life's story. She never gave me a chance to say much of anything.

She'd holler at me at times when I had no intention of stopping or taking a different route. I started telling her that the dog wasn't done with her walk and that I would return when we'd finished. Again, more guilt and I busted her on it. Told her that her making those remarks would REALLY drive me away.

She also has a daughter that she claims is abusive towards her. At first I believed her 100% but soon, doubt started creeping in. Still not sure what the truth of the situation is. I started staying away because I didn't want to get caught in the middle of what seems a power struggle. Now, she's hardly ever outside anymore when I go by, THANK GOODNESS!!

I feel sorry for her and I really do enjoy her stories even after the third and fourth time, but sometimes I just want to be alone with my dog and my thoughts. I've told her a few times that I don't have time to stop this time because... and I make something up.

Only thing I can tell you is one word, "Boundaries". Set them, but only heaven knows what you're going to tell her... maybe that you need some alone time to concentrate on what you're doing? If you like to chat with her, maybe you can ask her to have lunch or whatever with you, AWAY from your loom.

Good luck, Hon! I know it's not easy.

I'm a big believer in direct assertive communication...I think avoiding it may just continue the pattern...

Write down what you want to say and rehearse it several times. That was what I would do when I had a employment seperation...they are never easy for either individual...being rehearsed you will be able to calmly let her know...

You still are empathetic towards her and you still get your quiet time...best of both worlds...right?

Thanks, Tomi and Direction...
Yes... I must establlish some boundaries...hard for me! Just this past Sunday,after a hard morning, I was taking a Sunday afternoon nap, just falling into a deep sleep, when my 80 year old neighbor, who complains about everything, knocked on my door, to talk about the political election coming up. I told her I was asleep, but she insisted on ranting about politics and I let her do it till I was wide awake.
As Scarlett O'hara said, "I'll think about this tomorrow!" and hopefully deal with it!
Patty

Good luck...let us know how it goes or if you need more suggestions...

maybe when class is over get up and go potty long enough for her to leave too. just let the instructor know you are coming back.

Thanks Bebop!
Potty time is not enough as she is there for hours afterwards. I think maybe going over to the painting studio is the solution. If she follows me there, I'll have to be blunt!
Patty

subsitute blunt for assertive...

As always, Direction...you are so WISE!!!
Thanks,
Patty

Here is what I think an easy way out....

When class ends and she makes her way over to your loom, politely say to her, I would love to chat with you a bit later on, but I need to do some quiet time work at the moment. How about we go out for a cup of coffee or tea in about an hour? That way, you get your private time, she gets your undivided attention and you can both be happy???

Hugsssss
J

Good suggestion, SAbby!
I actually went to lunch with her today at her invitation. In order to get her to finish her bowl of SpaghettiO's (yes, she ordered that at the Java Joint!), I walked around looking at the student art on the walls, othewise we would have been there for hours as she wanted to lecture instead of eating!

Hey...I am empathic to this as I have found myself with a bit of this compulsion to talk incessantly to my coworkers, only checking myself afterwards, wondering WHY did I go on and on like that, as they sat there pollitiely! While I"ve never lectured for hours, I am empathetic, as I see this compulsion to talk and talk as a way of seeking acceptance, love and approval. Unlike her, though, I am aware of it and do check myself! This is why I feel empathy, I guess.
Love
Patty

Thanks to all of you for your excellent feedback on this little problem. Today, I had to stay late in the weaving studio to wind a new warp, very time-consuming and tedious, requiring counting threads, and it's a big warp. Karen tried to engage me several times in conversation, and I just told her I couldn't talk, I was "counting," then after finishing it, I left the studio without conversing. This worked really well today, and I know now I can do this in the future! Not cruel or rude, just "assertive," as Direction says!
Thanks
Patty