[purplemystery]

I have been going on dates with two different guys for a couple weeks, and I feel very conflicted and confused about who to keep dating and who to end things with. Normally I try not to date two people at once for this reason, but with online dating sometimes it happens.

Guy 1: I've been on 4 dates with him. Some positives are he is interested in me and wants to know me, he cares about my thoughts and opinions, he is putting in the effort by calling me once a week too, he has a wide variety of interests and writes poetry/books, he's super nice and sweet (he got me flowers), and I feel mostly comfortable around him and sometimes able to joke with him (which is big because I'm very shy and this has been an issue in previous relationships). I know he would care a lot about making me happy.

Some negatives are that I'm not sure if I feel "butterflies" (maybe a little) when with him and there is not a ton of physical attraction, but these two things could grow as I get to know him. He also is into wealth, and that's not me at all. On the dating site he answered yes to the question "is it okay to tell racist jokes?" which I disagree with. And yes to the question "do women have an obligation to shave their legs?" which makes me wonder if he's into traditional gender roles. He also has a gun and shoots it at a target range occasionally, and I personally can't imagine ever wanting to do that. I'm also not sure yet if he shares or at least understands my passion for helping people, but I don't know enough to say.

Guy 2: The physical attraction is strong. He's introverted like me, and he seems so sweet and caring too. He is very quiet, but this is a turn on for me. He values family, and there are no red flags. We seem to have similar values and both care about helping people.

Negatives: I don't know very much about him compared to the first guy. We've only been on two dates and he's fairly guarded. Im a wicked shy person, so maybe we'll both be too similar and unable to show our true selves? This happened once when I dated a very shy guy.

I'm afraid of making the wrong choice because I like them both, though things are much farther along with the first guy so choosing the second would be a leap. But the second does seem more similar to me from what I read on his profile, and there is more attraction. I want to make a decision quickly because the more time that goes on, the more I'll hurt one of them and the more confused I'll be. What do you think I should do?

[smartiesparty]

I'd suggest you go on a few more dates with the second guy to get to know him more !

[purplemystery]

smartiesparty: Thanks, it probably would be more helpful to know the second guy more. Unfortunately I can only see him once a week, but I'll try to talk to him on the phone too. The thing I'm wondering is this: since I only had 2 dates with the second guy, not very many feelings are involved yet. I could be honest and explain to him that things progressed with someone I started seeing before him and that I don't feel right about continuing to date two people, although I really like him. Maybe then if it didn't work out with the first guy, the second would give me another chance in the future (or maybe I'm completely wrong about that- of course I'd understand if he wouldn't). But if I continue to date the second guy we'd both get invested and then I'd have to really hurt one of them.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

I have been going on dates with two different guys for a couple weeks, and I feel very conflicted and confused about who to keep dating and who to end things with. Normally I try not to date two people at once for this reason, but with online dating sometimes it happens.

Guy 1: I've been on 4 dates with him. Some positives are he is interested in me and wants to know me, he cares about my thoughts and opinions, he is putting in the effort by calling me once a week too, he has a wide variety of interests and writes poetry/books, he's super nice and sweet (he got me flowers), and I feel mostly comfortable around him and sometimes able to joke with him (which is big because I'm very shy and this has been an issue in previous relationships). I know he would care a lot about making me happy.

Some negatives are that I'm not sure if I feel "butterflies" (maybe a little) when with him and there is not a ton of physical attraction, but these two things could grow as I get to know him. He also is into wealth, and that's not me at all. On the dating site he answered yes to the question "is it okay to tell racist jokes?" which I disagree with. And yes to the question "do women have an obligation to shave their legs?" which makes me wonder if he's into traditional gender roles. He also has a gun and shoots it at a target range occasionally, and I personally can't imagine ever wanting to do that. I'm also not sure yet if he shares or at least understands my passion for helping people, but I don't know enough to say.

Guy 2: The physical attraction is strong. He's introverted like me, and he seems so sweet and caring too. He is very quiet, but this is a turn on for me. He values family, and there are no red flags. We seem to have similar values and both care about helping people.

Negatives: I don't know very much about him compared to the first guy. We've only been on two dates and he's fairly guarded. Im a wicked shy person, so maybe we'll both be too similar and unable to show our true selves? This happened once when I dated a very shy guy.

I'm afraid of making the wrong choice because I like them both, though things are much farther along with the first guy so choosing the second would be a leap. But the second does seem more similar to me from what I read on his profile, and there is more attraction. I want to make a decision quickly because the more time that goes on, the more I'll hurt one of them and the more confused I'll be. What do you think I should do?

Has one of them asked you to be exclusive? If not, why choose yet? Get to know the second guy more but it sounds like guy #1 is not for you. With huge glaring red flags like the questions you mentioned (I wrote people off based on similar answers), lifestyle and value differences, and the fact that there's no passionate attraction there, it sounds like he is not going to be a viable option. I can see having difficulty letting go of the racist sexist really into money guy if there was a big attraction there but without even having the spark what is he beyond a friend..?

[ChipperMonkey]

Disclosing that you're dating someone else is a fast way to kill a potential relationship. I'm all for honesty, but as soon as you say that, the other person knows you're not as fully available, as fully invested, etc. (I've made that mistake before.)

I'm not sure why so many people assume some sort of commitment from day one in that they'd be hurt if they find out your seeing other people, but it is what it is.

I won't commit early and it sends up red flags if a guy assumes from day one that he's the only one I'm seeing in absence of a conversation about the topic.

[divine1966]

To all honesty calling once a week isn't much of an effort. If the guy is into you, after 4 dates he would be calling you way more often. He is probably dating others too. Am not sure what to suggest here. The guy thinks it's ok to tell racist jokes? Hm

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[~Christina]

Date them a bit longer.

[Bill3]

You are kind to consider their feelings, but it would be unwise to allow their feelings to force you to decide before you are ready to decide. No doubt they are aware that feelings can be hurt in dating, and they evidently are prepared to take that risk.

[unaluna]

If things worked out with guy#1, does that mean you would have a gun in the house? That would be a dealbreaker for me - i was pretty sure i was gonna end up on the wrong side of an "accident" with my first h who wanted to get a gun.

[divine1966]

My BF wouldn't come close to a gun but he ended up owning one that his dad left him. He is now desperately trying to find what to do with it as he doesn't it around and I wouldn't allow it in my place when we live together. We are both so lame we don't know what to do about it like just give it to someone? Can't put in a dumpster I guess lol

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[Permacultural]

Originally Posted by divine1966

My BF wouldn't come close to a gun but he ended up owning one that his dad left him. He is now desperately trying to find what to do with it as he doesn't it around and I wouldn't allow it in my place when we live together. We are both so lame we don't know what to do about it like just give it to someone? Can't put in a dumpster I guess lol

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Take it to a gun shop and sell it!

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by divine1966

My BF wouldn't come close to a gun but he ended up owning one that his dad left him. He is now desperately trying to find what to do with it as he doesn't it around and I wouldn't allow it in my place when we live together. We are both so lame we don't know what to do about it like just give it to someone? Can't put in a dumpster I guess lol

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He should be able to take it to any police station and they will dispose of it. You might try calling first though, I'm fairly certain they take them but better to have all the info before he walks into a police station with a gun!

The litmus test of course is their reaction to your emotional health. It may be time now to disclose it.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by DBTDiva

He should be able to take it to any police station and they will dispose of it. You might try calling first though, I'm fairly certain they take them but better to have all the info before he walks into a police station with a gun!

Good point!

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[purplemystery]

Thanks everyone, unfortunately I forgot to check my post again to see if I got more replies until now. Recently things progressed with the first guy, to the point where I felt guilty about continuing to date the second guy because the first guy started referencing the future (even though we've only been on 5 dates). I think it's possible he may have not really been thinking too hard into the questions he answered online, and he did a few things that made me realize how unbelievably sweet he is and how much he cares about the world. There are still some things I'm unsure about, but now that I know him better I also feel the chemistry so I decided I owed him a chance. I was honest with the second guy (which I only saw for 3 dates), saying that I really liked him but that I had gone on a date with someone else right before him and things had progressed with that person. I said I didn't feel right about dating 2 people anymore, and I wasn't sure how compatible we were since I didn't know him well yet (he's very quiet), and I knew the first guy better. I think he understood, but he seemed a little hurt. I learned not to date 2 people anymore, it's just not for me! To be honest, this morning I have actually felt a lot of regret and think maybe the second guy was more well-suited to me because he has so many qualities on the internal "checklist" and I really like his quiet personality. I even started saying to myself "maybe he was the one, and I let him get away." But I killed any possibility. I just get too confused when dating multiple people. I will see how it goes with the first guy.