[snowbny]

Hello, I'm new on here. My fiance gets extremely paranoid and delusional with his first drink... every time and it's getting worse. If I try and reason with him, he gets angry and worse. When he sobers up he says he remembers what he does, but doesn't do anything about it. He says that he's getting help from a therapist, but I'm beginning to doubt it. I have my own issue with depression and try to find constructive ways to deal, but I think I'm the only one.

[Bill3]

You suspect that he is not actually seeing a therapist?

It sounds like you could use some good advice. I'm not sure I have any. I would suggest taking a look at Al-Anon's web site. It's a group for family members of alcoholics.

I don't know if your fiance is technically an alcoholic, but it sounds as though his drinking is causing problems for both of you, so Al-Anon might have some suggestions.

Also, if you see a family doctor or psychotherapist or psychiatrist or really any kind of medical doctor or counselor, that would also be a good person to ask about this.

One thing I wondered about is if your fiance takes any medication regularly that might be interacting badly with alcohol?

I hope some Psych Central members with more knowledge about alcohol problems will reply to your post.

I think it's important to do what you need to do to take care of yourself in this situation, especially since you have a problem with depression. You may or may not be able to help your fiance or to persuade him to get help, but please take care of yourself.

[ChipperMonkey]

Some people have bad reactions to alcohol with just ONE drink. I should know, I'm one of them! Fortunately I'm not a mean drinker, rather I have adverse reactions with my anxiety issues. I say this because for those of us who have bad reactions to the first drink, there is no such thing as moderation. The only real choice is to abstain completely.

Maybe this doesn't exactly describe your fiancé, but if things really are that bad with him, I don't think he should be drinking at all. If he insists on continuing to drink, I urge you to rethink your relationship with him. You don't want to be on the receiving end of that behavior for life.

[snowbny]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You suspect that he is not actually seeing a therapist?

Bill3 yes, I really do suspect he's not actually going. I've really pushed him to go too

[snowbny]

Thanks chipper and jo. I've been reconsidering for a while but no decision yet. There are meds but they're not for anything behavior related. I'll try suggesting it to him. At least I can make him an appointment with an actual MD. Thanks for the input. It's the most I've have from someone beside my therapist in ages. Means a lot.

[Bill3]

When someone sbows you who they are, believe them.

[healingme4me]

Does he begin raging at you? One drink and paranoid, what happens?

My exh is an alcoholic. I've sometimes have said he's worse sober than when subdued by the stuff, unless tap beer and the tongue lashings that come out of his mouth...wow!

But, he isn't the type that finds value in therapy nor value in the spiritual side of life. Both I'd gone through and realized we just don't have the same interests, among numerous other things that drove us apart.

Desire for therapy and wellness needs to come from within.

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[divine1966]

I also lived with alcoholic. He was not even paranoid or angry drunk, he was just drunk and it was embarrassing and heartbreaking. Sad story all together.

You can't make them quit. They do it when they ready and many will never be ready.

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[Mygrandjourney]

You might consider this approach, adopted from Robert Meyers' work:
Tell him in calm, reasoned voice that his behavior is bothering you. Request he stop doing this. If he doesn't stop immediately, tell him you will be leaving for the evening (or day, or morning, etc) and will return later. You would, of course, have to have someplace to go to, so you might want to plan ahead of time. No need to "get him into treatment" "take some meds", etc. If he asks you why you left or how to keep you from leaving next time, you can let him know that you don't like being insulted/abused, etc, and you don't feel safe or comfortable while it's happening, so you are just going to leave the house for a few hours until the alcohol is out of his system (most people can process about one drink/hour). If he wants you to stop doing this, then he will need to stop doing what he does. The important point is to focus on his behavior, not on him as a person or his character or diagnosis, etc: "When you have had a drink, you say things to me that insult me and degrade me; I have decided that I do not want to put up with this anymore. I still love and care for you, but I will not be staying in the house while you are doing this."