[annabellacat]

As I have been starting to get back out there again with life,and connect with others,I have done a few jobs again,and went to a class,and life brings me these great experiences. I am complimented and appreciated. I am flirted with.I find people I have things in common with that makes me feel less weird about my own circumstances,and it all sort of feels like life is on my side taking care of me. I used to revel in these experiences,and I still do appreciate them yet find myself with a sort of disconnect or apathy still. I'll think people have changed,people seem more self involved or egotistical,or just..not so impressive as I had thought before. In fact,though the problem isn't them,it's me. I'm still not as open as I used to be. I've grown up a bit,and with that became a bit more jaded. Of course,yes these people have changed,too,like i have but it's the point that the world is a mirror and we see things based sort of on how we are in a sense. I need to find ways to connect more again. To be more grateful and feel that juicy-good aliveness from the details of life again. Being present in the moment..admittedly i have anxieties lately keeping me from that and so as life gusts a feeling in the air of excitement and life,I'm also worrying about other things,and futurizing. That is one thing i've done wrong,too. I think I used to be a lot more in the moment...never perfectly so but i think i've become a lot more of someone who is thinking what will this experience bring me,instead of just savoring the juiciness of the moment,and of course mentally trying to control what is to come by thinking about it(is what i want to change).

I'm looking to become a more relaxed person. More free. More present. More grateful. To feel more connected. Life is so good. Maybe one just needs to be more present to it,more connected to it.

Annabellacat, we do change. And it is good to see if you do something how it can benefit you. That is well and good. Not so much what you can get out of it but how it will help you emotionally and feeling about yourself. Some of us do things for the wrong reasons. It sounds to me that you are doing them for the right reasons and that you have structure. It is good to slowly gage people to see how they fit in our lives and if they are toxic or not for us. I like your post. I think it is wonderful insight, keep up the introspection. tc