I Feel Deceived, But Should I?

I've been married for 14 years and over the last several months, I've felt myself slowly falling deeper and deeper into depression. By nature, I'm typically not a depressed person, but somehow, probably due to a combination of things, I've managed to sink into a deep depression. One of the reasons, but certainly not the only one, is due to the lack of emotional connection I feel from my husband. To be fair though, he has never really been an emotional person and has always struggled making deep connections. Having said that, these last few months, I felt even more disconnected from him than usual and I've sensed a feeling of boredom from him. So, lately, over the last few months, I ocassionally mention it to him in passing. I would ask such things as: "are you ok", "you seem like something is on your mind", "you look bored", "you don't seem to want to be around me", etc., to start a conversation to see what, if anything is bothering him. His response was usually, "I'm ok", "I'm fine". So I would let it drop and not mention it again and just chalk it up to me just dealing with my depression and that i'm probably misreading the situation. A couple weeks ago, I finally broke down and told my husband just how depressed I really was. I was in a real bad mental state and I couldn't seem to shake it. He didn't say much. He didn't really hardly ask me any follow up questions that I would have expected. I was a little off-put by his lack of connection even in my desperate state, but I let it go and went to bed.

This past weekend, I finally could't take it anymore and confronted him, in a pretty ugly mean tone, that I can't take him and his lack of connection or apparent boredom of me anymore. I told him a few other mean things. That finally provoked him to spout off at me and say:
"maybe I'm depressed too". This is where I feel deceived. Not that he finally, after the world came to an end, validated anything I've felt from him, but because I've asked him over the last few months, on more than one occasion, what was wrong and that I sensed something from him etc. If I couldn't get him to be honest with me, given how desperate I was to understand my own emptiness and depression, how can I trust that he will tell me the truth ever? This was one of those moments when I needed him to be honest with me, because when he continued to dismiss that he was feeling anything, it only worsened my depression because then I kept turning back on myself thinking it was all in my mind and wow, how miserable I must be to even feel those things etc.

I've tried to explain to him how I felt deceived and how deeply hurt I am about it and we argue. He doesn't get it. He turns it on me and says he is talking now and isn't that a good thing? And, he's told me, this is what I get for being honest? It just got ugly the more he refused to understand my point. Of course it's great he is talking. And I could understand his point, IF, I didn't ask him how he was doing or specifically brought to his attention and asked about certain vibes I was getting from him, but that wasn't the case. I specifically have been asking about him for months now and he only decides to be honest with me once I blow up? That's not anything I can trust. And how do I now trust that he is telling me the truth now? I mean experience has shown that practically nothing can get him to be honest with me. FYI -This isn't the first time we've had issues with him not being upfront with me about his feelings. This tends to be a problem with him.

I welcome anyone's opinion here. I'm just trying to understand how unreasonable I'm being?

I don't think you were deceived. He sounds like a bad communicator. Maybe he is depressed, too.

I am very literal, but the word 'maybe' jumped out at me. We tell folks here on psych central not to try to diagnose yourself. Sounds like he was resisting doing just that. Now he's probably right, he probably is depressed too - but not only doesn't he know for sure without a diagnosis, but I know for me when I was diagnosed with depression, I took it pretty hard. I can see an older guy (fourteen years of marriage means he's not a spring chicken) really avoiding accepting that. He may have been deceiving both of you.

I'm fifty years old and am in pain every day from a number of serious chronic conditions that have materialized over the last three and a half years. My energy level is, on a good day, about ten percent of what it was four years ago. I tell my wife I'm fine too. I mean, 'fine' and 'ok' are relative, you know? If every day stinks, then in pain and exhausted becomes the new 'ok'.

I don't look at this as necessarily deceit. As you know, depression can sneak up on you.

IMHO I don't think men are as eager to share this information with others. I think they feel like a failure as a man. Please don't take this personally, at all, he finally told you so now you can work TOGETHER to make both of your lives better. Big hug!

It's not easy to bring up depression. He finally did. So maybe you can connect on that level now knowing how you both struggle with the same thing. Take care of yourself and best wishes

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Sometimes, it isn't a case of waking up one day and going 'oh I'm depressed today'. I think it takes a while to realise and to admit - not just to others, such as in your husbands case, but to ourselves, you know? Its like admitting defeat in a way. Brings it in to the reality.

I'd feel decieved too in a way, especially if he generally doesnt like to open up in the first place. But maybe, particularly with your husbands use of the 'maybe', it took you to have that outburst at him for him to finally wave that white flag of defeat and say 'you know what? maybe I am depressed...'

If you can let your percieved deception go, put it behind you, there is a chance for you to both unite and work on your happiness together. After all, you are both in the same boat. Sometimes with depression, understanding is the key. And with you both feeling similarly, the understanding won't be an issue

I hope you sort this out xxx

I think I understand what you guys are saying; that it's hard to open up about feelings especially about depression for the mentioned reasons. I'm really glad that he did finally say something. I just feel the timing of him telling me is dubious. I could be wrong.

There are a couple of additional thoughts that i would like to share. I can accept that he has his pain and I'm more than willing to help him where I can. What bothers me though and I think it's a big part of my frustration is that I knew something was wrong. I get it that he didn't want to or didn't know how to share it (his feelings) with me. However, after he saw that I was beating myself up and thinking I was losing my mind because I thought that I was imagining things and sinking deeper into depression as a result, he would have finally been honest with me as best he could in order to help me mentally instead of letting me burden all the pain. Feeling unloved and disconnected from him did fuel my pain. I feel betrayed and really sad that he didn't give me the courtesy so that I knew there was a problem to work on. I didn't know. I asked, but he didn't tell me anything. I think he was and is on the verge of divorce because he has been unhappy but how would I know anything was wrong to work on if he wasn't honest with me? I don't know what I'm feeling about this right now. I feel sort of angry and embarrassed that he's felt this way. Communication has always been an issue in our marriage. I've haven't had much of an issue communicating in the past with past relationships or friendships, but I can't do anything right when I try to communicate with my husband. It's either my tone, or my words or when he can't find a specific reason, then he resorts to saying that I'm just looking for an argument. By nature, I have a harsh tone...I think. He knows that and I've tried our whole marriage to get better at it, but I can't seem to do it well enough to have a complete conversation with him relating to anything difficult. This is how it goes: I bring up an issue, he gets defensive, I assure him it's not to pick on him or whatever, then he talks, I then say something which doesn't agree with his view, he complains about my intention or how I approached him and he shuts down, I get upset because I get shut down again. I get so upset because I try so hard to communicate in a manner that he responds to no avail. Conversations can be tough sometimes and I don't think that we will always be approached or talked to exactly how we want that makes us feel good, but I still try. So, I'm feeling that him waiting until I've blown up, is his way of making it my fault again.

After 14 years of marriage, there's so much resentment between us, who knows if we can make it through this.

ok, so you think he wants a divorce? Have you asked him? I mean if you two don't start communicating soon, it doesn't look like a very bright future. And what is the resentment stemming from? From both of your perspectives? Are there kids involved because they put a strain on any marriage? Have you tried couples counseling?

I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal, physical abuse...and "withholding'----ignoring, no talking; this is different than your issue, but I recommend the book which saved my life; The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans......"Boundaries' by townsend and cloud is an excellent resource.

Women and men exhibit depression in different ways. Men are slower to recognize depression in themselves, let alone admit it, let alone seek help. Here is some info from WebMD. Depression in Men: Symptoms and Physical Effects

One from Psych Central - Helping Your Husband with Depression | Psych Central

General questions to men about their mental state or feelings can often get you nowhere. "Are you OK?" is not sufficient, especially for someone who doesn't open up much (a.k.a. men - and your husband, from what you wrote.) It's too general, vague and open ended. You could consider being much more direct and explicit with him.

I hope you can support each other during this time. Perhaps seek counseling together?

I agree with hannabee, admitting epression could make him feel like a failure as a man. He could resist discussion and be defensive so as to protect himself from those feelings.

Have you considered couples counseling?

Thanks for everyone's insight.

I've been able to get a little more information from him. He says that he wants to work things out. He says that he's been a bit unhappy for a while due to the constant conflict/arguing. He says that he's ready to make a change in life, as in move, however he's not sure if he wants to stay local or if he wants to move to another area. And, he's not sure how he feels about his job anymore. He's ready for a change.

In the past, he has mentioned that he was ready for a change and wanted to move, but it seemed to be in passing and only briefly mentioned, that I didn't really give it much thought. I didn't hear about it again until these last couple of days. Being bored and ready for a change at work is new to me though. He's never mentioned anything remotely close to being bored about work.

As far as us arguing a lot, I understand that. I too am tired of it, but I don't see it getting any better as long as he refuses to communicate for one reason or another. Therefor, negative feelings just sit and fester until a blow up happens between us. The blow up is usually me. It's usually because he's shut me out before he gives me a fair chance to talk things through as it essentially only takes one perceived cross word, before he shuts me out. To him, couples or people in general, don't talk about things that are anything other than good things about each other. The idea that couples actually do talk about things that bother them, gets lost on him. He takes it as an attack on him, instead of a learning and growth moment for our marriage. I welcome him to discuss difficult things with me as well but he doesn't.

Yes. We may end up there again. The therapist tried to get him to understand the "dance" of communication. That discussions about issues are necessary to make changes, to better understand each other and relationship growth.

This is an example: While at dinner one night a year or two ago, while trying to talk about how disconnected I feel from him, I said something like "when I'm around you, I feel like i'm with someone who is blank inside". Of course this was mentioned with the best intent and it was said very gentle, in order to just describe what I was feeling. Not that he WAS a blank person. So the whole conversation turned sour, he got defensive and he shut it down. The therapist tried to explain to him how this was not an attack on him, but instead it was intended to expand a discussion. He didn't get it. It's these basic communication attempts that drive me crazy when they are shut down and i'm accused of being nasty and attacking him.

Therefore, just about any conversation that's other than positive, is considered a conflict and a drain on him. Having to be so extremely gentle and calculated with everything I say and how I say it, gets to me and I end up blowing up these days because it's just worn me out. Plus, I've started to wonder if he isn't just purposefully shutting me down to exert control. I don't know.

Turn the situation around.
Didn't you wait months before telling him you were depressed, too? You probably think that if he'd asked, you would have been forthcoming. I've thought that too, and then when someone finally does ask if I'm okay, I find myself saying "I'm fine" before even thinking about it. Or thinking hard about telling them, and deciding it's just easier to not.
You've been going through it, you know how hard it can be to tell someone.

Add to this the fact that he's a man. Society leads people to believe that depression is a women's problem, that even if a man feels depressed, he should just deal with it and not ask for help. It's also entirely possible that he senses how depressed you are and doesn't want to be a burden on you, or make you feel like your depression is less important.

He sounds a lot like my boyfriend. A very steady, good guy. Sweet enough to have won me over, but very rarely opens up about deep feelings. He deals in practicalities. If he was depressed, he probably wouldn't tell me either, because he would rationalize that there's nothing I can do about it, and he just has to deal with it himself. He doesn't believe in ruminating over things, he believes in action.

There's no one way to communicate properly about these things. It depends on both of you. I'm not even really sure what it was that I finally said that was the key to him, but one day he told me things that made me realize that he's seen all along how I'm slipping into depression, that he even understands why I've done the things I have, without me ever telling him. That's when I realized that just because he doesn't bring it up, doesn't mean he doesn't know, or understand. And in many cases, he wasn't asking follow-up questions because he already knew the answer. It didn't occur to him that maybe I just needed to hear him ask, to know that he cared.

You've heard the age-old stereotype, the man saying, "Why do I have to say 'I love you' five times a day, I married her, she already knows it!" I think there is a little, or a lot, of this in every man. Many men prefer implicit knowledge. They don't like to spell things out.

I don't think you should feel deceived. It was a lapse in communication, it happens all the time. It's just that this is a big deal, so the lapse seems like more of a big deal.
Just keep trying to communicate. The biggest thing is to not lay blame, not do or say things in a way that will make him defensive. Try everything else, there's no telling what will finally be the perfect permutation of words and setting that will make him open up, and let you understand one another.

Also, try to appreciate him more. I know it's hard when you're depressed, I'm having the same problem right now. But you have to remember that you can't expect him to help with something you haven't asked for help with. And you may be wanting a specific kind of help, like encouraging words, long conversations, or physical contact. Remember that he may be more comfortable with some of these than others. If he gives you a hug for no reason, takes care of a chore you were going to do, asks you how you're feeling out of the blue... or it could be a million other things. Try to recognize when he's making an effort, and tell him you appreciate it. Even if it doesn't feel like enough, or exactly what you want, tell him how glad you are that you can lean on him.
I've learned through trial and error, this is the best way to get support from your man when you're depressed. Show him that you notice.

My earnest suggestion is to take SoScorpio's wise and compassionate words to heart and practice them daily.

I suggest The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor and an insightful one at that! I downloaded the audiobook for free from the public library. Very, very good - for any relationship actually, not just the romantic kind. Reading the book reviews on Amazon.com hooked my interest even though I wasn't in a relationship that needed help. The information is fundamental (and logical) enough for me to keep in my Toolbox for Life.

Audiobooks are awesome - you can listen to them to while commuting to work or doing dishes or whatever.

Y'all need to back down off each other a bit. Do you two even still like each other? Whenever you find yourself thinking you know how another person feels about something... remember, you only think you know... unless that other person tells you, and, following, acts accordingly ...with words and actions congruent.
Nor can he read your mind. He only thinks he can... by the way you tilt your head, trill your "r's"... whatever. I'm blathering a bit here, apologies.
Don't blame your depression on him... that's your thing. And, don't take responsibility for his—his thing.
You can only control yourself.
Just... as I was reading through the posts... y'all seemed so... done. Resentments, assumptions, anger, hurt—I wonder... Can the two of you agree that what is happening now, what you've been doing so far... isn't working? I dunno... if seems to me y'all ought to take a step back... think... maybe listen more... And, I don't necessarily mean listen to him, although I do think good healthy communication requires equal amounts of listening and talking skills...
I just wanna throw out the suggestion of y'all getting away from each other... taking some time away from each other in order to figure out you each of y'all wants... really wants. That's all... take time for yourself. Allow you to treat yourself nicely, lovingly. And, remember... even if it's no longer true... this is a person you loved. And if you still love him... ask yourself why. Remember what attracted you to him... And, you. How are you different today than back then? You can't make him do anything, but you can do things... yourself.
You just gotta figure out way to talk with feeling guilt, blame, rejected, hurt, fear of rejection ...
I'm big on the "agree-to-disagree" policy. I can disagree with a friend about something, but I still like them. They're still my friend. I get mad at my loved ones, but I'll never stop loving them.
Best to you... I wish you well. Don't forget to breathe...

After 14 years of marriage, I think we've finally hit that stage that a lot of other couples hit; boredom and ready for a change. We both feel pretty much the same way, but for different reasons. However, we both still love each other and want to make our marriage work.

It's sad though. I never thought we would end up stale. I'm going to do whatever I can to maintain a positive attitude and look for new things we can do together.