Just something on my mind. I do feel like I'm falling in love, but I also feel like it's kind of a decision I made. Maybe it's not the "love at first sight, or soulmate" thing people talk about. But isn't it better to decide I am going to accept someone with all their faults? Is love not a decision we make? I know when I got married, it was a decision, not so much I felt in love.

I know my boyfriend says he's in love, falling in love, but then I wonder, how long will that last before realistic thoughts come to him?

[Rose76]

It can be a decision, more than an emotion, IMHO. Lots of good solid marriages/partnerships have come out of commitments based on that. When you feel that way, I think the main thing you need to determine is whether, or not, your boyfriend is able and wanting to make a similar level of commitment. That takes some time, which will give you the opportunity to see how he responds to a variety of different stresses/challenges. Accepting faults is fine, if they are acceptable types of faults. But don't set the bar too low. Somethings shouldn't be accepted - like severe anger management problems, a tendency to not care about others, lack of a reasonable level of honesty, serious substance abuse. The feeling of being "in love" comes and goes, even in very romantic relationships. It's the decision to commit that has staying power and endures.

[Webgoji]

Yes, the "falling in love" feeling can last. The key is to work on it. If you get lazy and expect your partner to generate that feeling for you, it won't last. If you cultivate it, think about what made you love your partner in the first place, do things to remind you why that person is special, then you'll keep cultivating that feeling and it can last ... well ... fifteen years so far.

[hannabee]

Here's what science says:

By Anne Marie Helmenstine, Ph.D.

When you say you and a romantic partner 'have chemistry' you're right! There is a lot of chemistry involved in feeling attachment, sweaty palms, butterflies in your stomach, etc. Have you ever wondered exactly what chemicals are involved in feeling love? Here's a look at some of the key biochemical players:
• phenylethylamine or PEA - This is an amine that naturally occurs in the brain and also in some foods, such as chocolate. It is a stimulant, much like an amphetamine, that causes the release of norepinephrine and dopamine. This chemical is found when you are falling in love. It's responsible for the head-over-heels, elated part of love.

• norepinephrine - When PEA causes this chemical to be released, you feel the effects in the form of sweaty palms and a pounding heart.

• dopamine - Dopamine is a neurochemical that appears to be associated with mate selection. An Emory University study found that voles (a type of rodent) chose their mate based on dopamine release. When female voles were injected with dopamine in the presence of a male vole, they could select him from a group of voles later.

• oxytocin - Dopamine triggers the release of oxytocin, which is sometimes called the 'cuddle hormone'. In both genders, oxytocin is released during touching. In women, oxytocin is released during labor and breast feeding.

I don't think it can last bio-physically, they think your body couldn't take it for more than about 18 months.

[JustJenny]

IMO: falling in love is a feeling, pursuing the relationship is a decision.

What do you mean by the "falling in love feeling"? Are you talking about the "butterflies" in the stomach? I don't think that can last long, but it is an important component of starting a loving relationship. If you are talking about the feeling of trust, attraction, caring, hopefulness, joy etc (whateer meaning you put into "love") - that can last, but just as mentioned before you have to work on it.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by hannabee

• oxytocin - Dopamine triggers the release of oxytocin, which is sometimes called the 'cuddle hormone'. In both genders, oxytocin is released during touching. In women, oxytocin is released during labor and breast feeding.

Lurves me some oxytocin.

[cluelessgal]

I've read many articles on love - from pop sites to psychology. So I'm giving a sum of what I've read.

You are in love if -

1. You are able to be yourself, say whatever you feel and not the 'right thing' and your partner is able to be their true self when with you.

2. You are aware of their flaws and you accept them despite their flaws.

3. You feel happy, just to see them happy.

4. You're willing to walk the extra mile and take extra efforts just to see them happy.

5. You are happy to see them succeed, even if you failed in it yourself.

6. (It's an Eastern saying) If you feel excited, nervous, exhilarated to see them, then it's a crush, but if you feel content, then it's true love.

I've never been in love....can't help you much, but just sharing what I've read.

[TerriLynn]

I think falling in love and loving someone are two different things. I fell in love with my husband 10 years ago, and I still love him dearly! He does things every day to fill the love bank. Even 10 years later, my heart just swells with love for him. Part of loving someone is accepting all of their faults, but yes that is a decision. Looking at those faults and asking yourself if those specific faults are things you can accept, because the rest is enough to over look those things. The leaving dirty clothes all over the bathroom, the never replacing the toilet paper roll, all that kind of stuff!

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

Yes, the "falling in love" feeling can last. The key is to work on it. If you get lazy and expect your partner to generate that feeling for you, it won't last. If you cultivate it, think about what made you love your partner in the first place, do things to remind you why that person is special, then you'll keep cultivating that feeling and it can last ... well ... fifteen years so far.

I LOVE THIS REPLY!!!

How many times have you heard someone say they are leaving their partner because "they don't make me feel the same anymore". (Too many times to count!) I think people have such unrealistic expectations of relationships. They think they don't require work. So incredibly wrong.

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

I LOVE THIS REPLY!!!

How many times have you heard someone say they are leaving their partner because "they don't make me feel the same anymore". (Too many times to count!) I think people have such unrealistic expectations of relationships. They think they don't require work. So incredibly wrong.

I like Webjoli's reply as well. I guess, I think that if you love someone it isn't really "work" to keep it going. Just something that happens because you love them. One thing I've learned is that I was codependent. You can't get your own happiness by trying to please the other person all the time. The idea of selfishness really bothers me, so I often didn't take care of my own needs. We do have to realize our happiness comes from things we do for ourselves as well as doing for others.

Now, as I feel I have grown wiser, I realize I don't want to depend on someone else to fill the emptiness. This is going to be a relationship where I want to do things for him, but not forgetting that I also need my space, my own well to draw from, to keep it full so that I always have something to give, which is only me. If I keep myself full of the things I enjoy in life, then I can also let him go easier if the time comes that things don't work.

Thanks everyone for the support, this forum and everyone has been kind to me.

[lunatic soul]

I can build walls not to fall in love if it starts to happen not to feel hurt by him but then I have to avoid from this person.

Sometimes I think I dont know difference between attraction and "falling in love" because it's mostly like sexual obsession to me but all I can say I know its not love.

[gayleggg]

I have found for me that the "falling in love feeling" doesn't last It either fades are turns into something deeper.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[PISCES 71]

I agree with gayleggg. After 36 years (1/18/16) of marriage...our commitment is much deeper than it's origin, which was primarily physical. It takes a lot of work to make that happen. Stay open and honest with each other...as much as possible. You begin to consider it a life investment. I can't afford to lose such a valuable asset as another person who knows me (sometimes) better than I do. She must always be my lover....and friend.

Originally Posted by Webgoji

Lurves me some oxytocin.

I agree with this. I happened to choose Buspar for my anxiety because of the fact that it is felt to have some action having to do with oxytocin receptors. I take it to boost my libido. Off topic but just wanted to add that

[vonmoxie]

I tend to equate "falling" in love with "throwing" caution to the wind: it seems to imply some giving up of agency in the process, which can sometimes result in the object of one's affection becoming overwhelmed by an overage of agency. There would much less unrequited love if people didn't give themselves up to it so, but even when both people feel they are "falling" in love with one another, the problem of who has any agency still exists (albeit feeling far better along the way). Where that lands, no one knows.

I sort of feel like it's the opposite of the kind of relationship experience I want, one where both parties are entering into it mindfully, hand in hand, appreciating the nuances of each new depth along the way.

At least that's been my experience. I feel like love can last longer that develops with relative patience, and no entirely unchecked falling.

Falling in love doesn't last, but relationships do.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

Yes, the "falling in love" feeling can last. The key is to work on it. If you get lazy and expect your partner to generate that feeling for you, it won't last. If you cultivate it, think about what made you love your partner in the first place, do things to remind you why that person is special, then you'll keep cultivating that feeling and it can last ... well ... fifteen years so far.

I agree with the posters above me who loved Webgoji's response. Every day I ask myself what I can do to make my wife's world better right now. Then I do it. As a matter of fact, I just tucked her in to bed for the evening and while typing this response thought, "I should send her a little love letter via e-mail that she'll find in the morning."

So that's what I'm going to do as soon as I hit submit, I'm going to send her an e-mail that she'll find in the morning when she awakes and it'll start her day off with a smile. Before I sat down at the computer, and right after I tucked her in, I poured grounds in the coffee maker, filled it with water and attached a note - 'I'm ready, just flip my switch', complete with a little smiley face.

How do you think she'll greet me in the morning when I wake up? And that'll start our day - appreciating each other and being appreciated. I am stupid in love - and it's been thirty years.

Originally Posted by Nickname

Falling in love doesn't last, but relationships do.

Originally Posted by yagr

I agree with the posters above me who loved Webgoji's response. Every day I ask myself what I can do to make my wife's world better right now. Then I do it. As a matter of fact, I just tucked her in to bed for the evening and while typing this response thought, "I should send her a little love letter via e-mail that she'll find in the morning."

So that's what I'm going to do as soon as I hit submit, I'm going to send her an e-mail that she'll find in the morning when she awakes and it'll start her day off with a smile. Before I sat down at the computer, and right after I tucked her in, I poured grounds in the coffee maker, filled it with water and attached a note - 'I'm ready, just flip my switch', complete with a little smiley face.

How do you think she'll greet me in the morning when I wake up? And that'll start our day - appreciating each other and being appreciated. I am stupid in love - and it's been thirty years.

thanks for this, it makes sense to me. I guess I'm second guessing whether I'm in love. I've thought that many times before, and then realized I can love the person but there's so many things I don't like. Now, I've been on my own for years. I like my space. He "surprised" me a few nights ago and just showed up. I honestly didn't like that and didn't hide my feelings about it. I got anxious. I like to know when someone is coming over and I did explain that. He said "well now you can get me back and surprise me someday". I thought that was a good answer.

Maybe I'm scared of getting close to someone. Love hurts. It shouldn't. It should just feel good. I'm afraid of being hurt. My marriage was awful. I don't think there was any time it really felt good. I decided to love him. I don't think I ever felt before as though I'm "falling" in love. That is so new, but I agree with opinions here that it has to be continuously fed. Maybe I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I've always known I'm different. I have a strange mind and I'm afraid he'll tire of me and leave me eventually. It's only been just over a few months, and I feel a bit smothered. Not completely, he has a job and is busy all week. But now I feel like I can't bring enough to the relationship myself. I haven't been able to work because of my physical as well as mental health.

My mental health seems to have worsened now, I can't sleep and eat and feel as healthy as I did before we met.

Anyhow, really appreciate all the responses and thoughfulness from you all.

[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by disparaissant

Just something on my mind. I do feel like I'm falling in love, but I also feel like it's kind of a decision I made. Maybe it's not the "love at first sight, or soulmate" thing people talk about. But isn't it better to decide I am going to accept someone with all their faults? Is love not a decision we make? I know when I got married, it was a decision, not so much I felt in love.

I know my boyfriend says he's in love, falling in love, but then I wonder, how long will that last before realistic thoughts come to him?

When it works mutually and by choice it can continue together. It's an effort to make it continue to last. I think I learned that from my parents who are the opposite neither try it's weird and my grandpa whose had 2 wonderful relationships with 2 different women my grandma who passed away in a 45 year old marriage and his gf and he is 90 years old now. So Yes I believe it happens definitely it's up to by choice. The feeling is a moment sometimes a state of being in those moments, it's not the main thing, but it's very nice. I've not had it enough to tell you, but I do know for a fact it's choice mutually to direct that energy either to let it sink or swim.