[Raindropvampire]

One of my BESTEST friend's wife hates me. For the longest time we weren't allowed to speak unless she was in the room and it was on speakerphone. Forget bending over backward...I have bent into a freaking pretzel to try to include her and make her feel at ease. After a very tense dinner at his parents' she told me that men and women couldn't be friends and the only way she'd feel better is if I was gone. So I told her point blank he's been my friend since we were 6. Our families consider ourselves related and that she and I were at an impasse if that's how she felt.

My friend finally told me that like 14 years ago when they were first dating some people made some really mean comments to her. We all work for the same company and their store was helping our store with a remodel. Well I met several people that knew them and apparently one of the guys started making fun of her and telling her that "it must be true that guys never get over their first love because you're just an ugly version of A." he'd ask her how it felt to be second prize. I didn't know it but he took a pic of me with the remodel pics and was getting other coworkers opinions on the subject. Pointing out how we looked almost identical EXCEPT I had a pretty face. Just anything to get under her skin. J said it went far enough that human resources was called in and she took stress leave for 4 weeks because she had a breakdown.

Well I feel terrible for what she went through AND that J didn't tell me at the time it was happening. He said he never mentioned it because he didn't see anything I could do about the situation and he saw no point in making me feel bad about something other people were doing. But at least now I know why she has such a bone deep hatred for me. I want to say/do something but I can't think of anything I can say or do to ever make her feel better about what happened.....unless I give up my friend and I'm not going to end an almost 34 year friendship.

[Rose76]

Do you have a husband or a boyfriend? If so, how does your guy feel about this whole thing?

[Raindropvampire]

I have been married 8 years this leap day. Despite the fact that he's usually very jealous he's ok with me and J. The only concern he's ever voiced is that J had been with C for 9 years or so and he wouldn't marry her despite her constantly throwing a fit about it. D and I got married and 2 months later J and C were married. He said his concern was why wait so long then suddenly I'm off the market and he marries her. I think he's reading too much into it.

J and my hubby D actually get along like peas in a pod. My oldest friends are M(36 yrs) J(34 yrs) and K(34) years. We all grew up together and have always been there for each other. The only one of them hubby's had a problem with is K and that's because she was insanely jealous of D when we started dating. She has trouble with boundaries and abandonment and felt that I was abandoning her so she kept trying to break us up. I had to sit her down and have one of our TALKS with her but D still kinda holds a grudge. hubby, J and M sometimes all hang out without me and just have a guys night. I've tried including C if we are having a girls night out because J says she doesn't have any friends but she wants nothing to do with it.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

I have been married 8 years this leap day. Despite the fact that he's usually very jealous he's ok with me and J. The only concern he's ever voiced is that J had been with C for 9 years or so and he wouldn't marry her despite her constantly throwing a fit about it. D and I got married and 2 months later J and C were married. He said his concern was why wait so long then suddenly I'm off the market and he marries her. I think he's reading too much into it.

J and my hubby D actually get along like peas in a pod. My oldest friends are M(36 yrs) J(34 yrs) and K(34) years. We all grew up together and have always been there for each other. The only one of them hubby's had a problem with is K and that's because she was insanely jealous of D when we started dating. She has trouble with boundaries and abandonment and felt that I was abandoning her so she kept trying to break us up. I had to sit her down and have one of our TALKS with her but D still kinda holds a grudge. hubby, J and M sometimes all hang out without me and just have a guys night. I've tried including C if we are having a girls night out because J says she doesn't have any friends but she wants nothing to do with it.

Well that is a bit concerning. I mean if a woman has to throw a fit in order to get a guy to marry her.... I can see why she feels like second best in all of this. It seems like she had to throw a fit in order to get what she wants, but we all know that didn't make her feel any better.

[unaluna]

People are weird!

[Raindropvampire]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Well that is a bit concerning. I mean if a woman has to throw a fit in order to get a guy to marry her.... I can see why she feels like second best in all of this. It seems like she had to throw a fit in order to get what she wants, but we all know that didn't make her feel any better.

I know from what I saw she was very controlling and that was his concern about marrying her. Example: They were in town and his mom invited me to dinner. When she served the salad (and I'm dead serious) C chose ranch dressing, his dad italian, I chose a raspberry vinaigrette, his mom got raspberry and J said "I always get ranch or italian so I'll give the raspberry a try." So C kicked him HARD under the table and then ran off to their room and it took J and her mom about an hour to get her back to the table. When I asked him about it later he said she saw him choosing the same dressing I did as saying she made a bad choice and he wasn't supporting her.

Unaluna, people are indeed weird or in this case I think insecure and immature. Add in that people at their work bullied her and it was just bad all around.

[healingme4me]

Well with that salad dressing story, he doesn't sound nice to her.

What is meant about first girlfriend?(you)

It took him 9 years to marry her and only because you married your husband? And no, I don't think your husband is reading too much into it. Seems quite valid.

How's your friend going about getting his wife to address her demons?

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[Raindropvampire]

she kicked him and he doesn't sound nice? I'm sorry but I have to side with him since she kicked him and I mean hard.

I was never his girlfriend. We've just been friends since we were 6 years old. We never could have dated...it would have felt icky like dating family

And my hubby says he thinks it was because I got married but I think maybe it was just timing but will concede it might look odd.

They've been in couples counseling for about 4 years now. She's gotten better about not being physical with him when she's mad but her temper still scares him some. She wants kids NOW(as in yesterday) and he's still worried about how she throws stuff and breaks stuff when mad. Obviously she has worked out some things but has a way to go on others.

[annabellacat]

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

One of my BESTEST friend's wife hates me. For the longest time we weren't allowed to speak unless she was in the room and it was on speakerphone. Forget bending over backward...I have bent into a freaking pretzel to try to include her and make her feel at ease. After a very tense dinner at his parents' she told me that men and women couldn't be friends and the only way she'd feel better is if I was gone. So I told her point blank he's been my friend since we were 6. Our families consider ourselves related and that she and I were at an impasse if that's how she felt.

My friend finally told me that like 14 years ago when they were first dating some people made some really mean comments to her. We all work for the same company and their store was helping our store with a remodel. Well I met several people that knew them and apparently one of the guys started making fun of her and telling her that "it must be true that guys never get over their first love because you're just an ugly version of A." he'd ask her how it felt to be second prize. I didn't know it but he took a pic of me with the remodel pics and was getting other coworkers opinions on the subject. Pointing out how we looked almost identical EXCEPT I had a pretty face. Just anything to get under her skin. J said it went far enough that human resources was called in and she took stress leave for 4 weeks because she had a breakdown.

Well I feel terrible for what she went through AND that J didn't tell me at the time it was happening. He said he never mentioned it because he didn't see anything I could do about the situation and he saw no point in making me feel bad about something other people were doing. But at least now I know why she has such a bone deep hatred for me. I want to say/do something but I can't think of anything I can say or do to ever make her feel better about what happened.....unless I give up my friend and I'm not going to end an almost 34 year friendship.

Wow. That's really awful. I'm confused why that guy would do that. That sounds really,really,awful. I just don't get it. That poor woman. Did you go out with this guy then that is your best friend? It's not your fault and you shouldn't end the friendship but yes,be understanding and nice and keep a distance from her.

[Raindropvampire]

Originally Posted by annabellacat

Wow. That's really awful. I'm confused why that guy would do that. That sounds really,really,awful. I just don't get it. That poor woman. Did you go out with this guy then that is your best friend? It's not your fault and you shouldn't end the friendship but yes,be understanding and nice and keep a distance from her.

No we've never dated. It really would be like dating my brother. J told me the guy that instigated everything at work had a personality conflict with C. I didn't really ask for details because J's management and I'm management we aren't really supposed to discuss other employees ESPECIALLY if it involves HR/write ups/general gossip etc. He probably shouldn't have told me what he did but it was so long ago I guess he figured it didn't matter.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

she kicked him and he doesn't sound nice? I'm sorry but I have to side with him since she kicked him and I mean hard.

I was never his girlfriend. We've just been friends since we were 6 years old. We never could have dated...it would have felt icky like dating family

And my hubby says he thinks it was because I got married but I think maybe it was just timing but will concede it might look odd.

They've been in couples counseling for about 4 years now. She's gotten better about not being physical with him when she's mad but her temper still scares him some. She wants kids NOW(as in yesterday) and he's still worried about how she throws stuff and breaks stuff when mad. Obviously she has worked out some things but has a way to go on others.

How was I supposed to know that?

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[Raindropvampire]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

How was I supposed to know that?

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I apologize if my reply sounded sharp. I never thought about it but just using first initials it probably does lose a lot in translation. I really do apologize for the tone of the reply

I'm a grumpy grumpy bear but that's no excuse to be grumpy on here

[healingme4me]

it's all good. Water under the bridge. Yes, the initials did over take in sensory over load.

Although she was physical, that culture of theirs with the jabbing verbally about salad dressing doesn't help. If it was to egg her on, and if she's a bit(or a lot) unbalanced, still seems unkind. Create a cycle of its own.

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