[mbe0203]

We have been engaged for four years now, and we lived together for one year but are now separated by continents. Last year we made plans for me to go to him and if all worked out, I would have been there by now. Unfortunately some circumstances 3 days before Christmas put a halt to our plans. Initially he said it was a setback and not the end, but then his best friend tried to commit suicide on Christmas day and my fiance just spiraled downward into a depression. I also suffer from depression, but it has never been that bad for me while in a relationship and I have not been on any anti depressants since 2012. I do however suffer from anxiety. I do not know how to help him. Since we are already 8000 miles apart, I never thought he would ask for space. He didn't say it in those words, but after 11 days of not hearing anything from him he sent me a message last week saying he's been in a dark place, that he got medication but that he needs a couple of weeks to sort his head. Common sense tells me that is a silent request for no contact, and I respect it. I have not been in contact with him for 7 days now but it is really hard to do this. He is surrounded by his family, however only his brother has been really supportive to him since we received our bad news in December. I feel as if I am caught between a rock and hard place. If I don't contact him he may think I don't care, but if I do contact him he may think I am pushing him and don't respect his request. Having been in that black hole myself in 2010, I know how hard it is to get out of it. I know the emotional toll it takes on you. I understand it all too well, but I do not want to say that to him right now because I know he may feel as if I am minimizing what he's going through. So what do I do? I love him too much not to do anything, but if I have to let go of him for a while until such time he is in a better emotional position, that is what I will do. Any advice or guidance will be appreciated, thank you

[Bill3]

What would you think of saying something like "i just wanted to let you know that you continue to be in my mind and heart. I love you and as always I am here if you need me"?

[mbe0203]

Would that be ok, Bill? Should I take the risk of him rather knowing I sent a message because I care than thinking I don't? I am so afraid of doing the wrong thing, but to me that sounds absolutely fine. I was thinking of asking his brother how he is doing, although he may find that to be an even worse action on my part. Why is this condition so unpredictable? What helps for one of us doesn't for all. Like most things, I suppose

You really think that would be ok? It sounds perfectly fine to me, and I hope he will see it in the way I will be intending it. I would rather have him think I "pushed" if he has to, than think I didn't care. It's a chance I would take

[IceCreamKid]

One thing you might do is to stop second-guessing your boyfriend's requests. If he doesn't want to talk to you for a couple of weeks, then he should come out and say so and/or you should just ask.

But a boyfriend who doesn't want any contact for a couple of weeks, isn't much of a boyfriend, in my opinion.

I get the impression that nowadays people stay in a relationship (of sorts) with someone, even if the relationship isn't close or comforting, all because they don't want to be without the person (=be alone) and, at the same time, even though the relationship isn't really a relationship. Something for you to think about.

[divine1966]

I am with ice cream kid on this. BF who doesn't talk to you for that long and clearly exhibits no interest in contacting you then how is he really a BF? I understand he might be depressed but how do you even know?

And unless he is incapacitated he clearly is communicating to others in his life, just not to you.

And you are engaged? I personally wouldn't stay engaged to someone who doesn't even talk to me. 11 days with no contact ( nowadays with technology?) then another 7 days?

Honestly he might be dating someone else or who knows. I'd ask him for clear explanation and then move on. You were planning on moving with him and he is now stalling, he doesn't want you to move there. First it's his friend now depression etc and all tight when you were going to move.

Honestly my gut feelings tell me he is plotting his exit and is stalling

I feel for you and I know it's probably not what you want to hear. But I would stop focusing on how to help him but rather on your own health and happiness. Hang in there

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Bill3]

I just saw your post, OP. I am sorry for the delay.

You know you and him best. I cannot say how it will turn out. I tried though to give expression to what you seemed to me to be feeling. It does not sound to me as though you are prepared to just allow the relationship to possibly end without first sharing your feelings with him. You don't seem to want to possibly regret later that you didn't seem to care now.

For what it's worth, I like Bill3's suggestion on 1/27/16. Could be as simple as saying, "just dropping a note that I am thinking of you." "Available to talk whenever you feel you are ready." "You must really miss 'Joe.' His family, too. Such a loss. Let me know if there is anything I can do. I'm here for you, OK?" I think not reaching out at all during his dark time would be more inconsiderate than ignoring his implied desire to be left alone. You know, just kind of ping him every so often. Can you mail him something that might give him a smile? I guess I'm thinking to continue to offer your love and support, be on stand-by.

[HippoMey]

I agree that you should contact him and just tell him that you are thinking of him instead of being silent. It will give him the opportunity to reach out to you when he wants to without being too pushy. You have been great and understanding, so don't think negative of yourself. hope all the best for you and him.