[sdf9526]

So I'm kind of lost at the moment and need support and other's perspectives on things. I was raped when I was 4 and it continued for years and years. My parents were emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. I was in two abusive relationships, one of them was so bad that I had to get a restraining order. In that relationship I was lied to, cheated on, choked, pushed and shoved, and just abused. I think I might have bpd because every time I have a really bad panic attack I start crying uncontrollably and then I feel the exact same feelings that I felt when I was being raped, being abandoned and forgotten and unloved and uncared for and these attacks happen a lot when my husband does something to trigger them. So that's a little background on me.

Now, the relationship I have with my husband is a great one, but there are many things that I am resentful about and I can't figure out if it's really just because I'm really crazy and delusional or if because I am valid. I also struggle a lot with validating myself because all my life I've been blamed for everything, even for being raped at 4 years old. Lately, I have been okay but I'm just so lost!

There are a few specific things in my marriage that really bother me. First off, the way I see my husband and feel/think about him is that he doesn't even know himself or either he is a really good manipulator and succeeds at deceiving me.

There was this incident back when we were dating, he had this girl "best friend" and she flirted with him a lot and he allowed it. She ended crossing boundaries a little further and talking about my relationship with him as if it were her business and her job to take care of him and I took offense to that. I stand by my values and beliefs and think that if you're in a relationship you shouldn't have a best friend on the opposite sex that you're going to flirt with and be close to like that, it's very hurtful to a partner. I told him how I felt and his response to her flirting was that "she was just being a good bestfriend". He completely disregarded my feelings for her and defended her he wouldn't even listen to me at all really and we argued for maybe 2 hours until he saw a crack of light and could atleast see it from my point of view and how I felt. I am just so hurt and angry that he couldn't even care about how I felt or even consider how I felt and that he had this "thing" with this girl and she flirted with him and he thought it was ok because he said that if I had done the same thing to him he would be hurt and feel betrayed, just like I did.

This was a year ago and I'm still VERY angry about it, I feel resentful that he thought it was ok to do that and I would NEVER do anything like that to him and this isn't the only situation that has happened. There are many other situations where he completely disregarded my feelings, lied to me about how he felt, and betrayed me with other people by disregarding me when I was his girlfriend and now I'm his wife. He even did this with his family when his half brothers girlfriend went off on me and called me names and started this whole thing about how no one told her and his half brother that we got married when we live all the way across the country, im going to school full time, he's military, and we're both very busy and it was outrageous to me and my husband didnt stand up for our marriage at all!! He seemed so ambiguous about it really!

So my other point is that everytime I confront him it's like I don't get a clear answer from or out of him. For example about the "best friend", he clearly did not see what I saw in her or what was going on and when he defended her he literally didn't even think he defended her and told me things like he never meant to and never felt like he was but when it was going on he was SO VERY inconsiderate and ignorant of my feelings when I was literally telling him everything I felt straight up! It's like he's delusional or I dont know?! But I feel like there's something wrong with him because this is how everything is with him, never gives me an answer and pretends he's clueless. And I'm just so angry about everything he's done to betray me and hurt me because I've been through enough **** in my life and he not only betrayed me once but a couple of times and they were very hurtful.

Also what really gets to me is that he seemed like he was closer to this "best friend" than he is to me currently or ever has been, like he is really close to me but it seems like he was more open with her and told her things that he would never tell me which insults me so much because I'm so open with him and tell him everything and he acts and says that he is the same way with me when it really doesn't seem like it! Being like this with him and not having it reciprocated but the fact that he was like this with some other girl that wasn't even his partner is SO insulting to me! I have confronted him about this too and he just denies that he was so open with her and pretends like he doesn't know what I'm talking about, like I said I NEVER get a clear answer or clear communication from him and it drives me nuts. I think it's really unfair and insulting to me.

Currently he's deployed and I'm going to school full time while I'm feeling all of these feelings and I'm angrier than ever about everything he's done to me. I feel very frustrated and angry. I have been seeing a personal therapist for the trauma and everything I've been through and before he left wetried marriage counseling on base, which is the marriage counselors are the wives of service members that live there, and I hated it we went to 2 different counselors and they both seemed so inexperienced and more favored towards the service members like for example I told one of them how I felt about his past marriage and this best girl friend and she just looked at me blankly and asked why almost as if I weren't supposed to be feeling that way and the other one had no experience with trauma, was a little rude to me and mentioned something about her marine husband and how proud she is every 10 minutes. I believe no doubt that any counselor is supposed to accommodate their patient and not play favorites and we weren't getting that.

So I'm very frustrated and angry and feel lost about what to do. It's hard for me concentrate on anything, I've been depressed since he's left and all the feelings from the past about what he's done are amplified right now. Also, just to clarify, I think he's very loyal and committed and tries hard but at the same time he also does things like I just explained in this whole post, I really don't know what to say about it I just always feel like I don't know who he is anymore I hate how it's like he keeps things from me but he didn't keep these things from his girl "best friend".

[sdf9526]

Also just recently his "best friend", I just found out, has been trying to contact him after he stopped talking to her last year when him and I argued about it. She apparently has been trying to email him, text him and even contacted his mother on facebook to get ahold of him. And I am handling everything of his while he's gone so I have access to everything including his email and while I was checking it she had emailed him and I know this is crazy and wrong and I feel really guilty but honestly I was impulsive and desperate so I emailed her back just pretending to be him and I wanted to see how exactly she was with him because I've never seen them interact alone. And she was very very flirty with him even after I just mentioned that he was married and she mentioned that this is how he and her always talk and she misses her best friend and she even started to talk about her issues with her husband right when she said that she wants me meet his wife (me) because she wants to meet the lucky girl who married the best guy around and I just replied and said wouldn't that be your husband to you and she said "eh we'eve had problems lately" so it's like that's really a RED FLAG right there to me and after that I just ended things with her because my husband already doesn't want to talk to her and ended things when we had argued about it a year ago. All of this just made me angrier because now I see how he talked to her and how she talked to him while he was dating me before him and I got into an argument about it. Crazy, I know.

Hey you I'm really sorry to hear about your childhood. I've never been through anething like the ones you have, so please, read my answer with that in mind.
First of all: I think you should take a deeb breath. Your husband is away, and, as you said, that amplifies your feelings. That natural. So, try to take a deeb breath, and accept that you're probably not 100 % fair right now.
When that is said - of course you have somthing to think about, and to be angry about. I would be too. It sounds like your husbands ex-best friend is behaving really bad - and I think it's really good that you've made your husband see that, and admit that he wouldn't have liked it if it was you.
But also - men is a lot less complecated than women - generally they don't manipulate or say hurting stuff on purpose. I heard a therapist on the TV say, that men just o what they do because they do it - and actually doesn't have everything planned out before like we do. I don't say this to excuse him . But perhaps it can help you to understand whats going on in his head. I really don't think that his trying to manipulate you or anything - especially because you say, that in all other aspects his really trying, and your having a good relationship. I just think, that maybe, you don't exsactly understand each other - and that that's normal between men and women.
But I think that you should maybe take a long talk with him about this when he gets home. Tell him exsactly how you feel - and if you kan manage it, try to be open about the thought, that maybe there is something about him that you don't understand. Thet will do the conversation more equal, and it will probably make your husband more ready to open up, and try to understand things from your perspective. I've tried it at home, and it works miracles.
As I started with saying - I have no idea how it must be like to have been throught the stuff that you have. So please, if the above shows this, just ignore my answer.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by sdf9526

Also just recently his "best friend", I just found out, has been trying to contact him after he stopped talking to her last year when him and I argued about it. She apparently has been trying to email him, text him and even contacted his mother on facebook to get ahold of him. And I am handling everything of his while he's gone so I have access to everything including his email and while I was checking it she had emailed him and I know this is crazy and wrong and I feel really guilty but honestly I was impulsive and desperate so I emailed her back just pretending to be him and I wanted to see how exactly she was with him because I've never seen them interact alone. And she was very very flirty with him even after I just mentioned that he was married and she mentioned that this is how he and her always talk and she misses her best friend and she even started to talk about her issues with her husband right when she said that she wants me meet his wife (me) because she wants to meet the lucky girl who married the best guy around and I just replied and said wouldn't that be your husband to you and she said "eh we'eve had problems lately" so it's like that's really a RED FLAG right there to me and after that I just ended things with her because my husband already doesn't want to talk to her and ended things when we had argued about it a year ago. All of this just made me angrier because now I see how he talked to her and how she talked to him while he was dating me before him and I got into an argument about it. Crazy, I know.

I commented on your other post, and reading this on top of it, I think that you need to listen to your therapist and really examine your behavior. Being angry a year later about something that you two already resolved is unfair to him, to you, and to the relationship. Pretending to be him via email is completely unacceptable behavior. That is not ok, ever, period. The behavior you describe is very controlling. You want him to take responsibility for your feelings, and they are not his responsibility, they are yours.

I think it might benefit you to read up on BPD and emotional regulation skills. There is a self test on PC Borderline Personality Test - Psych Central and this is something you can talk over with your therapist as well.

[sdf9526]

Originally Posted by DBTDiva

I commented on your other post, and reading this on top of it, I think that you need to listen to your therapist and really examine your behavior. Being angry a year later about something that you two already resolved is unfair to him, to you, and to the relationship. Pretending to be him via email is completely unacceptable behavior. That is not ok, ever, period. The behavior you describe is very controlling. You want him to take responsibility for your feelings, and they are not his responsibility, they are yours.

I think it might benefit you to read up on BPD and emotional regulation skills. There is a self test on PC .

Yeah I saw. Im already aware of how I have BPD. None of this changes the fact about how first of all Im angry about things in the past because of how they KEEP happening and NOTHING has changed on his end. I want him to take responsibility for what he HAS not done that he should be doing like putting me first and not choosing his family over me after they just completely disrespected me AND HIM also. Honestly I dont see much wrong with me emailing some girl he USED to talk to me that he hasnt talked to in forever and doesnt plan on it and he said that she was nothing to him. I dont see an issue much with it when I told him afterwards and amd always honest with him, he never set boundaries with some flirty best friend of his so Im fed up with everything and decided to do it myself even if it was so long afterwards because shes been texting him and even contacting his mother to get ahold of him and hes not able to do any of this right now so im doing it myself im ****ing fed up.

Why is it that whenever I want to speak up about things, someone always has to blame me? I am very aware of my behavior. My behavior and how I am does not change the fact about the situation here. Everything he has is STILL WRONG and its so unfair to me.

Bottom line here: How I am, my issues, MY FLAWS, DO NOT change the truth or the factcs about the situation here.

[sdf9526]

Originally Posted by DBTDiva

I commented on your other post, and reading this on top of it, I think that you need to listen to your therapist and really examine your behavior. Being angry a year later about something that you two already resolved is unfair to him, to you, and to the relationship. Pretending to be him via email is completely unacceptable behavior. That is not ok, ever, period. The behavior you describe is very controlling. You want him to take responsibility for your feelings, and they are not his responsibility, they are yours.

I think it might benefit you to read up on BPD and emotional regulation skills. There is a self test on PC Borderline Personality Test - Psych Central and this is something you can talk over with your therapist as well.

BY THE WAY, we NEVER resolved it! We NEVER ****ing resolved ANYTHING because it just never got to that point.

I emailed that ***** because he never set boundaries with her when he was with me so i got fed up and decided to get some closure MYSELF. Nothing wrong with that because she was just some girl who he says he never cared about and is never planning on talking to again. That's the only thing ive ever done like that and I would never go any further than that.

[Trippin2.0]

He stopped talking to her after your argument a year ago, so forgive us if it seems like it was resolved, because that's how it came across in your OP.


What I don't understand is that if your husband has been invalidating and disregarding you since way before your marriage, why on earth did you choose to marry him in the first place???


You're obviously struggling and I hope you actually do manage to resolve your marital issues soon, but until then, I suggest you try not to lash out at members who are trying to support you in a constructive manner.


If you are in a particularly fragile emotional state and cannot handle any kind of disagreement it is strongly advised that you ask for only positive feedback, as this will ensure your emotional and mental wellbeing, as well as that of the other members here on PC.


I wish you well, take care

You asked him to give up his BF?

[FooZe]

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