Not taking things personally?

Hello all! I haven't been here in a while because life has gotten quite hectic.

I have always had a problem with taking things a bit too personally. This has been happening since I was a kid but I think it is because my grandma made a lot of insensitive comments and jokes towards me so I grew up being defensive over everything she said and now it is hard for me to not get defensive over a comment or criticism. I very rarely speak up about my feelings but, when I do, it's because things have reached a boiling point.

My irritation tends to escalate when people flat out ignore me. For example, I had a friend and I noticed when we talk, she flat out ignores things I say and continues talking as if I have not said anything. She does not acknowledge what I say. I have had many friends who do this. I spoke up about it today and she got quite offended. I have another friend who would tell me about her relationship woes with her ex-girlfriend but when I spoke about mine I only got a sentence back. She would send me paragraphs about her ex but could not even give me feedback on my relationship problems. (Yes, most of this tends to happen via text message)

Then, again today, I was talking to a friend and mentioned a time where I was having suicidal thoughts (I do not have suicidal ideation anymore). He told me to elaborate, and I did. He disappeared and came back, telling me he fixed his Wii remote pad and he ignored the long message I sent him, elaborating on those past suicidal feelings. That's what I am talking about. Just being flat out ignored...

I am wondering if I take things too personally. When people ignore me, I feel unwanted and annoying, as if I am bothering them. I also feel horrible when people make certain jokes with me or tell me certain things or even look at me in a certain way. I am hyper aware of people's movements and expressions and voices. Like, for example, at my externship, one of the supervisors told me I had to sit in on an intake and I was going to carry a notepad to take notes because I did that in the other intakes I sat in on and she just looked at me and said, "Put the notepad away and get ready". You wouldn't imagine but a statement like that really made me sad. It made me feel like I failed at something.

I just take things too personally and I would like to know what I can do to stop that. I always try to rationalize with myself by saying, "They didn't mean it" or "Maybe they're busy and will respond to my text after they've said what they wanted to say" but that does not work, especially when my messages go unanswered.

I hope this all makes sense. I am not in a good headspace in the moment.

It makes sense to me. I've been in a similar place. Some people are just more sensitive than others for one reason or another. This asymmetry is problematic, because for them it is something "normal" to act the way they do, but for you it is not. The important thing is how to deal with it. You cannot change people. For me, I am still figuring it out. But so far, I've tried to avoid unnecessary contact with people, which I don't recommend, because you'll end up with total isolation as everything will probably upset you. For me it became a part of my personality. But I am trying to change it because I feel I am missing something in life, even though I am comfortable with myself most of the time.

The following statement, taken from a talk to Dr. Brené Brown about the power of vulnerability, shocked me. It is worth considering it.

OK. This is probably going to get deleted, but personally your friends suck. Like flat out selfish don't enhance you personally just walk on you. You continue this to happen because you hope they can help you or they have something decent you do love about them, but other than that they are what I call complete **** friends.

They aren't using you directly like with material items or food or rides or money none of that its they use you for selfish personal problems because they confided you'll listen to their life stories without question but if you criticize once they get all defensive because they don't want your advice just your ear because they rather take your time up bothering you about the dumbest things and never consider you as a whole.

If I was you I tell them to **** off. I won't be your therapist unless you pay me and I'm certified or that you validate me as much as I do for you.

This kind of behavior from others I'd why I quit helping people and tell people mean things because they don't get it. Those friends are so needy and arrogant their voices ate so loud anyone they deem unworthy shouldn't judge or give useful advice.

If I'm wrong feel free to do whatever but god it was painful to read this because of how much I put up with it too. We all do it but they need to learn some decent human being skills and you need to not be ashamed and make it clear their ******** is ********.

In conclusion you are doing the right thing sir.

You cannot set standards for other people.

Here's the thing: let's say you help someone carry a 50 pound bag up their hill. That's great! But that does not mean that they must or will help you carry your 50 pound bag up your hill. They might not feel able or willing to do that, and the fact that you did it for them does not compel them to do it for you.

Your friends are the way that they are. You do have the option to look for different friends--or just accept that there are limits to what they can do, or are willing to do, for you.

You can say "I feel hurt that I helped carry your bag but you are not willing to help carry mine." Friends might change in response to that, or they might not. Probably not.

Honestly, it is asking a lot of friends to expect them to hear in detail about suicidal ideation. I believe that most people feel ill-equipped to help in that situation. They don't know what to do or say. This is why they shy away.

With regard to your supervisor, a comment like that would make me feel that I had done something wrong as well. Sometimes we feel hurt because, well, what people said to us was unreasonable and hurtful!

I will respond to everyone else (thank you for your responses!) but I just need to clarify something. I didn't go into detail about the ideation. It was just one sentence. A long time ago I was feeling off and I told my friend (the same friend who got mad at me for speaking up) that I "did not want to be here”, meaning that I did not want to exist. I was very upset at the time and her response was, "you should come over to my house because we can have a night adventure. I've never had an adventure at night before lol!”. That upset me a lot so I stopped talking.

So yesterday I was telling my other friend (the one who fixed his Wii remote pad) about the argument I had with her and I just mentioned that she wasn't even there for me when I was feeling very depressed and a bit suicidal. He specifically asked me, "can you, uh, please elaborate on the suicidal feelings you were having?" and I just said, "There's nothing much to elaborate on. I just didn't feel like existing”. I did not tell him anything in detail and he asked. I am sorry, but this comment just made me a bit upset because I always try to stick to myself so when I finally do reach out it's because I'm suffering a lot and I've been holding things in for months. I have had friends tell me about their suicidal feelings and anxiety and depression and the one time I mention mine I get no feedback...That was literally the first time I ever told anyone about those feelings and not even in detail. My therapist doesn't even know the detail of those feelings.

So I just wanted to clarify because I don't want to sound like a person who always goes to their friends when they have issues. I listen all the time and I try to help. I know I can't set standards for others but if I set aside so much of my time to help you and I get nothing in return, and I still have to struggle alone, then that friendship isn't balanced.

You say that they mustn't or they're not obliged to help me and I just don't like viewing things like that. It's very unfair that friends and people always come to me when they're upset and tell me things in detail but I can't get that from them. Like I'm only meant to listen to others' problems and tell them what they want to hear.

I am sorry, but this comment just made me feel invalidated and sad...But thank you for commenting at least. I know your intentions weren't bad and I appreciate it.

I certainly can see feelings of sadness coming from an unbalanced friendship as you describe it--where you listen in great detail to their concerns and they seem to have no time whatsoever to listen to yours. I agree that it is unbalanced. I am hearing that it these friendships are hurtful as well, and I am very sorry that you are experiencing that pain.

Thank you for clarifying what you said to the Wii pad friend. I agree that it was not detailed as I had first thought. It took a lot of courage to tell him that.

You most certainly do not sound like a person who always goes to your friends about your issues. You definitely do sound like someone who always listens and tries to help.

Please consider that people who are not interested in what you have to say are not really friends.

I encourage you to say affirmations each day tailored to your specific situation.

"I am a capable extern."
"I can improve my ability to ..."
"I am interesting"
"I can have friends who value what I say"

or whatever actually applies. Make them positive statements. Say them first thing in the morning and whenever you have a few moments.

I don't think it is wrong to "take things personally" -- something said directly to us is MEANT to be taken personally. However that doesn't mean we have to agree with what the person says; and in fact we may know that what the person said is untrue. Use your inner knowledge to act accordingly.

Someone who says mean things to us (or who lets us know they don't care to listen to us) is the person to avoid in favor of nicer, kinder, more interested in us people. I hope this helps.

I agree with you. This is called reciprocity, and it is the basis of human interactions. But this reciprocity is not absolutely tit-for-tat one-by-one. I think it is balanced in the long run. I also agree that telling someone about suicidal thoughts is not easy to handle. Your friend told you to come and do some night adventure. To me she was trying to help, but not the way you expected.

By the way, what do you expect your friends to respond in such occasions? Sometimes your own expectations might get in the way.

Another question, aside from this suicidal thought one time thing, how are your friends with you? Do you have fun together? What if you ask them about something less serious, like about relationships or everyday life?

If they are not there for you in your good times at least, then may be you need to reconsider your relationship with them. But the fact that you take things personally even in your work, tells me that there is more that can be done.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I can relate to a lot of what you wrote! I've had selfish so called friends like that in the past too! I agree with what a couple of the other responses on here. Especially the ones to where two of them stated that your friends suck and that they're selfish. Do they tend to be self absorbed and selfish? It sure sounds like it!

If they can't be there for you, then don't be there for them. It's not about tit for tat, it's about setting boundaries and showing people that you're NOT a pushover! A lot of people will take advantage of you if you let them. You have tried to tell them how their responses bother you, and yet they haven't really tried to show more concern for you. Maybe they want to, but they can't. Only you'll know that for sure since you know them and we don't.

A lot of people feel uncomfortable talking about suicidial feelings. Some people are only fair weather friends. With people like that, it's best to keep things light. They'll be the ones who'll run at the first sign of any problem. Since actions do speak louder than words, ignore their texts and only respond to their long and whiny emails about their selfish it's all about me emails with no response. Then tell them that you've been to busy to respond, but then simply say....sorry that's happening to you, and parrot whatever it was they said back to you in their text and emails.

Maybe then they'll get the message and know what it feels like to be treated like crap. Some people will never treat you the way that you ask them to, so it's best to forget about them and move on, or better yet, make better friends who do care about you and your feelings. Honestly, they sound selfish and self absorbed. Maybe that one girl thought that by trying to invite you over, that it'd help cheer you up. Idk. Like I said, only you know what they're really like most of the time.

Try meeting new people and don't rely on these people for support. They can't offer it to you. Or they don't want to since they have enough of their own problems to deal with. Sometimes when people have a lot of their own problems, they literally can't deal with anyone else's. The fact that one or two of them got mad at you for speaking up is not a good sign. Unless you stated things in an accusatory and insulting way, I don't see why they'd get mad at you for expressing your feelings to them.

Stop being their therapist. Stop wasting your time expecting others to change when they clearly can't or won't. Like I said, make new friends and keep those friends if the good outweighs the bad for light hearted conversation and activities. I looked at your profile, and you're still pretty young, and unfortunatly, a lot of young people tend to be self absorbed. Maybe you'd be better making friends who are a little older and more mature than you are, idk. Good luck with everything.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Great response! That happens to be sad but true-

@The O.P, remember, ignore them when they ignore you. Say that you've been to busy to respond to them when they do it to you. And then respond to their long ranty emails with the same one sentence reply. It sounds mean, but clearly talking to them doesn't work.

Maybe treating them like crap back might help them to realize that they might loose you as a friend if they continue to do so. Or they'll just stop using you as their free therapist. Action speaks louder than words. You need to let these friends know that you are NOT a doormat and that if they're not going treat you with respect, then they sure don't deserve yours!

I can really relate to you're feelings. Quite often I tend to open up and get just a "lol" back. Then I feel completely stupid and think if I'm maybe irritating this person and they're trying to stop the convo. This actually happened quite recently. And what I decided was that I probably open up too much to people and often regret things I've said. Especially if it has to do with my MI when they don't have one and can't relate. My dishing out goes completely unanswered by my bf at times or with my brother and he'll reply with "take your meds and calm down". I feel completely unheard and unsupported. Maybe you need to re-evaluate these friendships and think if they are even there for YOU or do they just see you as their therapist and take advantage? I get that they open up to you so you feel able to open up to them but after it goes ignored once, I would simply just stop sharing things too personal. Admitting your suicidal ideation may make some people uncomfortable if they don't have a MI and can't relate. Those are people you have to keep the convo rated PG with. I made the mistake of telling a girl at work about my anxiety issues and she straight up said "just don't admit that to anyone else here!" And she is probably right. I probably should of kept that intimate detail about myself private. Not all people understand these things or feelings and may even hold them against you. Just be careful what you share with certain people and don't let the ones you do share with take you for granted. If they don't text back they're either busy or simply don't care or maybe just don't understand at all. Not everyone is as kind and open as you. Unfortunately.

Trileptal 600mg BID
Buspar 45mg
Seroquel 150-300mg for sleep
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvanse 70mg
Risperdal 4-6mg PRN

I don't get msgs unless the other person using tapatalk app!

It could be a combination of taking things too personally + not picking the best friends. Like your externship example sounded more like taking a comment in a way it wasn't meant... but it also sounds like your friends are not there for you the same way you are there for them.

I came to see a few years ago that I was really bad at picking out friends. My friends were kind of like yours, going on and on about their problems but never interested in what was going on in my life. After a few years of that, I would eventually get to a point where I couldn't take it anymore and break off the friendship (kinda like your boiling over). I started to see that this had been a pattern throughout my life and now try to be more careful about who my friends are.

I don't know how you stop taking things personally because I struggle with that too. I do the same tricks, trying to talk myself out of it, assume that the other person has the best of intentions, but it's really hard. Sometimes it seems easier to just stop myself from even thinking about it at all, but that's also easier said than done.

Hello all! I am sorry for the late reply, but life has been hectic and I have been more depressed than usual. I'm sorry I don't have time to reply to each person individually, but I just wanted to thank everyone for their support and replies. Just reading my post means a lot to me.

I agree with what you all had to say. Some people said that I have to choose my friends better and I agree. I am not the best at choosing friends. I am now beginning to like myself so I want to find people who will make me feel comfortable. I also agree with some of you who said I might be taking things too personally. I have trust issues from past traumas so that clouds my judgment sometimes.

Thanks so much for responding. I appreciate it and am very grateful.