[Rayne Selene]

I'm feeling really heartbroken and I'm not sure where to turn. I met my boyfriend online a year ago. I didn't think it would go anywhere and I tried to keep it casual but it quickly became clear that he's everything I've ever wanted in a guy. We mesh like perfectly. He hasn't had a lot of relationships so when I told him I loved him he said he needed more time to feel that way. That's fine, no pressure. We moved in together about a month ago. It's been going great! Then he found out that the air force will be moving him in six months, we aren't sure where yet, but probably in ohio. There's been like a taboo over discussion about him moving so last night I finally broke the ice and asked what he's planning to do when he leaves. It sounds like he's leaning toward a break up. Although it would be completely possible for me to go with him. I asked him why not consider that option, and he said that he wants to move on but doesn't want to hurt me, and still has a lot to think about because he's not sure how he feels about me. He said he never intended to get into a serious relationship and still views himself as someone looking for a person he's really compatible with (I really don't see how we could be more compatible). I asked why he's dated me this long and he said he just thinks I'm a really nice person and he wanted to see where it goes. So what I'm hearing is that he doesn't love me and probably never will. But then he just said "well, we've got six months to figure this out" and started acting toward me exactly as before. How can I live with him and be with him every day knowing he doesn't love me and is just going to leave me in six months? I feel devastated. I've never loved anyone like this and I don't know what to do.

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[Rayne Selene]

It'd be really great to get advice from a guy, if anyone has anything.

How did you move in together without knowing for sure how he feels about you? Didn't you have this talk before moving in? He doesn't seem to be serious, but I could be wrong. It is not enough for you only to see that you are compatible, it is a two-way road. Both of you need to see this for the relationship to flourish.

[Ocean Swimmer]

I'm a woman but I'll try to give you my view.

Sometimes women are more mature emotionally than men no matter the age.

He's in the Air Force,so he may crave excitement and desire change. Young. Sowing wild oats. Doesn't want to get tied down.

It feels one sided to me. You see compatibility -he doesn't.

You feel Love- he doesn't.

He didn't get all excited and say- Gee I hope you'll go with me!--just the opposite.

If you have the strength , let him go now. If you don't have your freedom you may be missing lots of opportunities at finding a guy who loves you.

My idea. Break up now. Get your freedom. We will be here to love and support you while you're doing something hard.

[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by Nickname

How did you move in together without knowing for sure how he feels about you? Didn't you have this talk before moving in? He doesn't seem to be serious, but I could be wrong. It is not enough for you only to see that you are compatible, it is a two-way road. Both of you need to see this for the relationship to flourish.

Of course we talked before we moved in. He asked me to move in back in July, but I wanted to wait. He's never given me any indication that he didn't want this to be serious. He even told me he loved me the week before I moved in. Last night he essentially took that back. I don't mind taking a lot of time with a relationship: I don't like pressure and in my experience guys don't either, and the pressure to perform/commit is what makes relationships so hard. The problem is that now his moving has thrown a deadline at us, to get this stuff figured out.

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[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by Ocean Swimmer

I'm a woman but I'll try to give you my view.

Sometimes women are more mature emotionally than men no matter the age.

He's in the Air Force,so he may crave excitement and desire change. Young. Sowing wild oats. Doesn't want to get tied down.

It feels one sided to me. You see compatibility -he doesn't.

You feel Love- he doesn't.

He didn't get all excited and say- Gee I hope you'll go with me!--just the opposite.

If you have the strength , let him go now. If you don't have your freedom you may be missing lots of opportunities at finding a guy who loves you.

My idea. Break up now. Get your freedom. We will be here to love and support you while you're doing something hard.

I'm just so confused about where he's coming from. I asked him if he'd rather just break up now instead of delaying the inevitable but he responds with "What? No! And it's not necessarily inevitable, I still have a lot to think about." I told him that I don't see moving with him as some big gesture of commitment: more just circumventing this deadline that's been thrown at us. Continuing what we've got somewhere else. I've always wanted to move out of state, this may be a reason to do so. He said that's a relief to him - that one of his biggest concerns is that I would see this as some huge gesture of commitment, like we're married or something (both of us are pretty opposed to marriage). I'm trying not to let my emotions destroy my judgement here but it's really hard :'(

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Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

Of course we talked before we moved in. He asked me to move in back in July, but I wanted to wait. He's never given me any indication that he didn't want this to be serious. He even told me he loved me the week before I moved in. Last night he essentially took that back. I don't mind taking a lot of time with a relationship: I don't like pressure and in my experience guys don't either, and the pressure to perform/commit is what makes relationships so hard. The problem is that now his moving has thrown a deadline at us, to get this stuff figured out.

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For you talked about this as an act of talking doesn't mean you really talked about it. When the challenges came, his true feelings have been revealed. People don't just change their feelings. I would have paid more attention.

I am not sure what to advice you, but I guess if he is playing games, you would be better off from now, and don't give him the time of being with you just because he doesn't have to leave right now. This is my reading of and suggestion for your story. I suggest to figure out his true intentions as soon as possible.

[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by Nickname

For you talked about this as an act of talking doesn't mean you really talked about it. When the challenges came, his true feelings have been revealed. People don't just change their feelings. I would have paid more attention.

I am not sure what to advice you, but I guess if he is playing games, you would be better off from now, and don't give him the time of being with you just because he doesn't have to leave right now. This is my reading of and suggestion for your story. I suggest to figure out his true intentions as soon as possible.

Thanks for your advice. Just saying (with kindness, I swear), psych central is usually a place for support and love. Rebuking someone (ie, "how did you move in with him without finding out his feelings" or "I would have paid more attention") really isn't helpful, and can make someone's situation much worse. It's hurtful when someone is already hurting. Because believe me, I have asked myself those questions and beat myself up about it. But I do appreciate your advice.

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Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

Thanks for your advice. Just saying (with kindness, I swear), psych central is usually a place for support and love. Rebuking someone (ie, "how did you move in with him without finding out his feelings" or "I would have paid more attention") really isn't helpful, and can make someone's situation much worse. It's hurtful when someone is already hurting. Because believe me, I have asked myself those questions and beat myself up about it. But I do appreciate your advice.

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OK, I see your point. Sorry if I made you feel worse. I henceforth will refrain from posting on this thread, and I hope you will find a way out of your situation. I just tried to help, which obviously wan't the case. I know people who post about their problems are very sensitive to others remarks, I've been there, so I guess I failed in incorporating my experience to reply more sensitively to others. Thanks for letting me know, anyway.

[RomanSunburn]

Sorry to hear you're hurting, Rayne. It does sound like a messy situation. I think you should start getting your things in order to move out. That doesn't mean breaking up with him necessarily, but starting to find your independence now so that you'll be more prepared later in case he does decide to break up (or if you decide to break up with him). I'd do this sooner rather than later, that way, when he says "No, don't come with me," you'll already have a place of your own. If he balks at the idea, just tell him he still has his six months to figure it out, but you're not going to just sit around and hope for the best, whatever the best may be at this point.

I do think he has one foot out the door already, just isn't ready to let it slam behind him. Personally, after that conversation, I wouldn't want to move with him. What happens when, if you do go with him, he decides, no, he really doesn't want you around? Like I said, get your own place. If he does decide he wants to be with you, let him move, don't break your lease or anything, and do a long distance relationship for a few months. By the end of that time, you should both know, if you haven't figured it out sooner.

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

[divine1966]

Sorry. It must hurt. To all honesty I'd break up right now and eventually find a man who loves you and wants you only and isn't looking for sometime compatible while living with you. I don't suggest you move out of state with him
or wait for him to decide. You deserve a man who is fully committed without reservation

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[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Sorry. It must hurt. To all honesty I'd break up right now and eventually find a man who loves you and wants you only and isn't looking for sometime compatible while living with you. I don't suggest you move out of state with him
or wait for him to decide. You deserve a man who is fully committed without reservation

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It does hurt, like hell. I guess the question is, does such a man exist? The guy I was with before this was with me four years and I really thought we were getting married. Then out of the blue, he breaks up with me over the phone. I'm starting to think I can't be loved :-( and I know that sounds dramatic but that's been my experience.

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[divine1966]

Oh of course they exist! Have you considered therapy? Take a look at why do you attract this type of guys ( I am not judging at all as I've been there done that, but he pretty much tells you directly or indirectly that he doesn't love you yet you still consider staying with him). There must be a reason you stick around. Recreate childhood? Low self esteem? Whatever the reason get to the bottom of it. It will get better

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[Trippin2.0]

I wouldn't suggest waiting around either... As mentioned before, he has one foot out the door, and waiting for him to decide where to place both his feet puts you in a very compromising position.

He's clearly putting his own interests first, I suggest you get your ducks in a row and do the same.

Maybe he's not a bad person, maybe he just doesn't like the thought of being alone, and you're good to save around. Plenty of people like that out there. Its not fair to you though, you deserve someone who undoubtedly wants to be with you, someone who definitely loves you.


I read so many stories where someone (usually the woman) follows their partner out of state or across the ocean, just to discover, he doesn't want them anymore. And alot of times these women are sadly stuck where they are indefinitely, with this man who no longer wants them.


I would hate to see that happen to you.


In your shoes?


I would not pack up my life and follow a bf who wasn't sure he loved me, thought we weren't compatible and wasn't sure he even wanted me to move with him.


If I really wanted to give it a chance though, I would attempt long distance and see if that makes up his mind for him.


After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder, or out of sight, out of mind.


Either way I'd have a definitive answer.


So sorry he blindsided you like that, I can only imagine how this new information must be affecting you.

[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I wouldn't suggest waiting around either... As mentioned before, he has one foot out the door, and waiting for him to decide where to place both his feet puts you in a very compromising position.

He's clearly putting his own interests first, I suggest you get your ducks in a row and do the same.

Maybe he's not a bad person, maybe he just doesn't like the thought of being alone, and you're good to save around. Plenty of people like that out there. Its not fair to you though, you deserve someone who undoubtedly wants to be with you, someone who definitely loves you.


I read so many stories where someone (usually the woman) follows their partner out of state or across the ocean, just to discover, he doesn't want them anymore. And alot of times these women are sadly stuck where they are indefinitely, with this man who no longer wants them.


I would hate to see that happen to you.


In your shoes?


I would not pack up my life and follow a bf who wasn't sure he loved me, thought we weren't compatible and wasn't sure he even wanted me to move with him.


If I really wanted to give it a chance though, I would attempt long distance and see if that makes up his mind for him.


After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder, or out of sight, out of mind.


Either way I'd have a definitive answer.


So sorry he blindsided you like that, I can only imagine how this new information must be affecting you.

I understand the logic of what everyone is saying, and it's the advice I'd give me too. But it's like...dating is exhausting. And I've had so many bad experiences. And until this , he checked off EVERY SINGLE box of my "perfect" guy. He's smart without being arrogant, he's funny, he hates valentine's day just like me, he's into the same nerdy science stuff that I love, he's excited about what he does and teaches it to me without talking down to me (you know how rare it is to find a guy who doesn't talk down to you???) and he loves hiking and snowboarding like me, and he treats me well in front of his friends, and he's pragmatic and doesn't get mad or cheat or do stupid guy things like that, and he is ridiculously sexy. Like seriously he could be a model. And all those things are so rare how the hell will I find them in someone else??? And how am I ever going to get over him? I thought my last breakup was bad but this is 100x worse. Because until now he's been exactly what I wanted.

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[Mygrandjourney]

Here's a guy's perspective:
If I were in a relationship that I had mixed feelings about in any way and as a result, my partner were to set some limits on the relationship, that would definitely tell me that I had better resolve my ambivalence and either end the relationship or jump in with full commitment.
If you were to tell him something like, "I would like to have my space and you seem to want your space to make your mind up, so why don't we take a break and figure this out without the day to day pressure of the situation we have right now. If you come to the conclusion that you do want to be in a committed relationship with me, please let me know, and if I am available, I will consider it. I just want to let you know that in the meantime other relationship opportunities may arise for both of us and if I do meet someone I feel I can be compatible with, I may go for that, so you are risking losing this relationship completely."

[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Oh of course they exist! Have you considered therapy? Take a look at why do you attract this type of guys ( I am not judging at all as I've been there done that, but he pretty much tells you directly or indirectly that he doesn't love you yet you still consider staying with him). There must be a reason you stick around. Recreate childhood? Low self esteem? Whatever the reason get to the bottom of it. It will get better

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That's easy without a therapist. I have zippo self-esteem. Like none. I was that girl that would like the popular guy and he'd ask her out as a joke and then all his friends would be laughing. And once, one of the soccer jocks really did like me but the girls were so angry I stepped on their turf that they spread a ton of nasty lies about me and he dumped me. After high school I have a long history of being disregarded and taken for granted. And I know it's pathetic. But I want so badly to be with him. I don't want to date anyone else. And I'm so scared I'll never get over this or be able to trust someone after this. He completely blindsided me.

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[Rayne Selene]

People keep telling me that life gets better. I'm starting to think that's a big fib.

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[Ocean Swimmer]

My grand journey gave some excellent advice.

Yes. You would need self esteem to do his plan.
But once you face your issues. You can work on self esteem.

You are so young still. Move out. That doesn't necessarily have to be a break up, just some space so you can both find your lives independently as well as together. Find out who you are on your own -- your own interests, goals, activities. Gaining that sense of self and that confidence to be yourself without someone else having to make you who you are will help you grow to like yourself more, which in the long run, will make you a much more desirable individual for any future relationships. If your relationship with this guy can withstand a bit of separation with the goal of strengthening yourselves independently so your relationship together is strengthened, it will solidify for both of you your feelings for each other.

[Mygrandjourney]

You can act like someone with healthy self esteem regardless of how you actually feel. Give it a try and see what happens.