[endlessparadox]

I'm 19. I never had a boyfriend since birth because my parents didn't want me to have one. I respect them and will forever take their words to heart.

And so I couldn't have a boyfriend, even when I wanted to have one, so I awakened an imaginary friend from my my childhood days. Back then I didn't have close guy friends so I created one, in my mind. I'd dream about him every night and sometimes in lunch breaks at school. He's cool, handsome and very intelligent. Whenever I felt lonely and sad he automatically came to play with me. We'd go to lots of places like we're in some world travel. I really liked him and I wanted to be like him- cool and fun to be with. So I started acting cooly like walking like the models I saw in TV. People said I was cool and pretty, I had many friends and even got in the pilot section until fourth year high school(age:17).

I never realized that my imaginary friend faded away, that was until I went to a university. I was very lonely and afraid in my first semester since the university is very far away from my home that I had to live in a dormitory and be alone. Though I felt loneliness and fear, I managed to overcome them by making great friends. The people in the university were very kind and hospitable. Now, I'm currently in my second year in the university. I'm taking a degree in Computer Science and it's hell. I was okay in my first year, I even became a college scholar but now in my second year, I can barely sleep with the anxiety of failing a subject. Even with the stress, I decided that I will try to survive and graduate. However, it wasn't that easy with all the competition and my co-course takers. One time, I was sure I was getting a zero score on a chapter test and it really hit me, hard. My friend's getting high scores and I was the only one who's getting zero. I really care about my grades and how my friends think about me. So like avoid having relationship with any guy, I pledged to have this really thick and high wall between me and my friends. I became really depressed that I cried at night when everyone went to sleep.

I felt really sorry to my family and myself. I was really down and I could only cry in the dark. The following nights, my depression became worse. I cried and cried since it was the only thing I could do. Along depression came loneliness, reason why is because I didn't talk much with my friends anymore. Then I cried again, this time harder. I was lonely that I wanted to go home to see my family, but that was impossible. One night, I was usually crying, I felt asleep and went to a dream in lucid state(I sometimes get lucid dreams when I'm stressed), I was still lying in my bed, I knew it was a dream because it was afternoon when it's supposed to be night. A familiar guy at my age came through the window, smiling handsomely at me. He walked towards me then kissed me. I was really surprised since it felt really real that i woke up. I forgot my chapter test grade and my family at that moment then I remembered him. He was my childhood imaginary friend, all grown up. My moods brightened the next day, I wasn't depressed or lonely anymore. I only thought of him. Whenever I had low grades, it seemed okay to me now. He told me it's okay and cheer me up. I made him my boyfriend and named him HYUN. He's so sweet and nice and hot I can't get enough of him, though he distracts me sometimes when I'm studying. Now, I'm happy and I don't feel lonely and sad. No one knew about HYUN, until you have read this.

Even if HYUN is only my own consciousness, I'm happy with him. He will never leave me unless I leave him and there's no competition and he's my perfect type of a guy. He told me he'd never leave me until I get a real boyfriend, and that he really love me. I was really sorry when I forgot him back in my childhood days and he just said that it's okay and that he was with me all the time watching me. I thought it was a bit creepy but whatever, he's hot and handsome.

Am I crazy or what?

(In my country, before changing the edu system a couple of years ago, after 6th grade we proceed to four years of high school then you can then go to college)

[mulan]

I don't think your crazy.
I think you met a way to cope under the circunstances you were facing. It's good that you found in yourself what you needed to superate your dificulties and feel happy.

But, as you may know, your boyfriend is your imagination giving you what you emotionally need and want, what probably you desire. Trying to repress the need of a boyfriend made you think more about having one and it probably made this happen.

Just don't forget this isn't real. College is hard, I too feel very sad when I have a low grade. But you have to understand that it don't make you a lesser person and you have to let it go. And you should go to your friends again, they can help you fill the void you filled with your imaginary friend.

I think that along the way I have created some imaginary boyfriends too, they just had the face of real boys I knew. I let them go when I realized that person wasn't real and that it wouldn't ever happen in real life. And I learned I had to appreciate myself as I am, like me the way I am and give myself the emotional support I needed looking to my problems in prespective.