[tamalemolly]

Hi. I'm 20 years old. I suffer from schizoaffective bipolar type and ocd.

I'm well-managed on medication? To be honest, I believe there is nothing wrong with me. I believe I put all my problems as a mental disorder, but I'm not a doctor.

I have some issues I have been having. First, it was with my boyfriend of almost four years. He had made some minor mistakes that I make it bigger than it seemed. I caught him a couple times texting another girl. Nothing major, but I can honestly say I can be controlling at times. He has sincerely apologized to me. We actually talk last night and he told me that I can be emotionally abusive. I never realized I was. I was abused when I was young, but it's hard to imagine that I can be like that. He deeply expresses his feelings to me, but I always feel like he is just manipulating me. I told him I felt that way and he said he is upset but he will love me no matter what. I don't understand. He tells me things that I should really admire. He works hard. But I feel like I have two personalities. Part of me loves him to death and another part wants to be alone. He wants to marry and have a family. I told him how I don't really want kids and hes okay with that. Sometimes I feel like I never want to get married. That I want to live my life by myself, but deep down I would be lonely. I really do confuse myself. We had a good talk last night and I think it helped a lot.

Second, well...his mom and sister live with us. They kinda like came over when we lived in the apartments and somehow they live with us now. They didn't even ask to move in, it just happened. I was okay with it for a little bit, but honestly they have their own home. They just don't want to clean up their house. His mom lives off of her disability and child support. I feel bad for them because they're house is destroyed, but all they have to do it clean it up. The dogs and cats messed it up. His little sister is in high school and all she cares about is herself. She obviously uses us. She doesn't clean up after herself. We really just have enough to take care of me and my boyfriend comfortably, but with them living with us makes money tight because my boyfriend just works at a grocery store and I receive SSDI under my deceased dad as a disabled child. Also, it would be great if it can be just me and boyfriend where we can actually be alone together. Be like husband and wife in our own home. I'm very stressed out. I told my boyfriend about how I feel and he said that they will move out soon, but I don't see them making an effort to find a new place so I don't know. I hide in our room and sleep all day to avoid them. They can be loud and they talk about everyone and everything. They talked about my close cousin saying how sees a drug head and stupid. Really mean things. She only experimented with a couple things, but that doesn't make her a drug head. They make rude comments about people on TV like "Ew, she's a *****." They probably even talk about me. It's sad I don't feel comfortable in my own home. Honestly, I don't like living the room because I get mad if they talk to me. I want to be able to have my family come over, but they don't like the fact that his mom lives with us. My family believes they are using me. Every day I believe it more and more. I can't express the overwhelming emotions I have about all of this. I have thought many times about just ended it as a simple solution, but I really don't want to go back to the hospital and my dog would be sad if I'm gone. I feel like I'm being drove crazy every day.

I'm sorry guys if I sound a bit disorganized. I'm on my phone and it's kinda hard to review and edit my post. I'm just going insane. I've been getting really mad at every little thing...
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[Artchic528]

Firstly, welcome to PC.

Secondly, regarding the mother and sister of your BF. Do they contribute in anyway to the household? If not, consider asking them to pay rent. You are not obligated in any way to give them room and board for free. I know you're a sweet person and want to do so out of the goodness of your heart, but they are taking huge advantage of the situation. It's not good for your budget, or your mental health. Tell them to either pay rent and contribute to the household like they should have from the beginning, or move on out and find another place to live.

Regarding your boyfriend himself, trust is a huge part of any healthy relationship. You have to place trust in your boyfriend that he is going to be faithful to you, if a monogamous relationship is what you both agreed on. Keeping a guy on a short leash will make them more likely to want to leave the relationship. Give him some faith. I'm sure the texting was innocent.

I also sense you feel guilty that he is giving up so many of the things he wants to be with you. Guilt can be a powerful thing. I would have a nice long discussion with him about what he wants for the future, his future and your future together as a couple. If you two aren't on the same page, then you may not be as compatible as you'd like.

If you haven't already, find a therapist and discuss your feelings with them, and how you can deal with your issues. They can be a huge help when you find one you really click with.

Anyways, I hope you're okay and dealing with things well. Take care!!