Visiting family drama

Not long ago, my aunt called and informed me she was visiting (she lives out of state) and expected to stay at my home and drive my car for 3 weeks. I was less than ecstatic. I see her maybe once a year. I immediately vetoed her using my car as I work. However, my husband is very friendly and so she called him and convinced him that she would stay and he helped her find a rental car. Perfect. See where this is going?

So, now I'm irritated with him for not talking to me first and irritated with her for inviting herself in. On another side note, we have been preparing to sell our house for months and it just so happened she flew in the day we stuck the sign in the front lawn. So, add that to the mix. But it gets better (or worse, depending on how you look at it). Hubby is on medical leave until the end of April so he is home and needs attention.

I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed and alone. I go to work all day while they're enjoying their vacation together. I am also in grad school full-time so I have night classes I take. When I come home, I take care of hubby. Then I play hostess to dear aunty. Then I have to make sure the home is show ready in case we get a showing the next day. By the time I am ready for bed I am exhausted and know I will wake up and do it again the next day.

And now dear aunty is telling me I am being a "b****" about trying to sell the house and looking for a new house. She told me I need to butt out of the selling process and just let the man take over. As a woman that has been rather independent her entire life, that is a tough pill to swallow. But, ok, I backed off. However, I was so upset last night after a really rough day, all I wanted to do was sit and eat some ice cream and she yelled at me "Stop right now! You are NOT going to eat that! Aren't you on a diet? What are you thinking?"

I was mortified. Absolutely. I threw the bowl in the sink, grabbed my running shoes, and let myself cool down for a good 30 minutes before I came home, took a shower, and went to bed. We haven't spoken since. But then hubby tells me this morning via text she is driving him around town because she is APPLYING FOR JOBS and is talking about how she is going to LIVE WITH US IN OUR NEW HOME.

I am beyond--- frazzled. I cannot do this!! But I am TRYING to be polite and TRYING to be accommodating. I just don't know how I can possibly do this. I dread going home tonight after class. My husband works night shift so we barely see one another when he is working so I was hoping these next few weeks, despite him taking it easy, we could actually spend quality time together. Now I have to schedule a date night with him and its hit-or-miss if we will actually get to spend it alone.

Sorry I just needed to vent! And I need advice. Am I just being too emotional? Is everything just really messing with my head? Or, am I right to be upset? What do I do?!

Wow, that is one intrusive aunt you have there. You need to sit down with your husband and tell him that your aunt is not going to live with you in your new home and she can look for a job, but she is most definitely going to learn that "you" have boundaries whether she likes it or not.

Thanks Open Eyes. Yeah, I think that is what needs to happen. He is already saying "Yeah, pay rent and its no problem" and I am just sitting there not wanting to make a scene, but also not able to hide my feelings very well. I don't want to be rude, but on the other hand there are limits!

I am so sorry. But you are going to have to put your foot down. Tell your aunt that if she wants to move to your town she can get her own place.

No freaking way. She can visit but no way she'll stay.

My ex's adult failure to launch daughter moved in with us and it was a disaster, it was so bad he relapsed ( alcoholic) because all she did was slept ate us out of the house and trashed the house. It was so horrid that I still have flashbacks.

My fiancée and I live in a small place. And I intent to keep it this way. One can come for few days but not to live. His adult kids aren't successful snd I am mortified they will move with us. Omg no way

You'll have to put your foot down

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Yeah. I don't even know how I am going to keep my stuff together for the next few weeks. I am totally okay with visits for a few days, maybe a week. But she has not even planned her return flight for THIS trip.

I couldn't even face her last night; I came home and went straight to bed after work. I know I need to just calmly focus and speak with her, but I am really bad at confrontation. And of course this is jeopardizing my own relationship with my husband. He's kind of caught in the middle trying to keep everyone happy.

Hi ruesia

Ok there is significant issues here.

Firstly, whose life are you living? Your life or your aunt's? I get the impression you and your husband are 'people pleasers'. This means putting your needs second in order to keep other people happy. The first thing you need to do is communicate with your husband. Tell him how you feel about your aunty and that you don't want her living with you. Get him on your side then both of you talk to your aunty. I get the impression you seem very unhappy having your aunty there. So you need to 'act' on your feelings with your husband by your side and express how you feel to your aunty. Yes you have to confront her but you can do it in a polite and assertive way without yelling or getting angry. Use 'I statements', 'I don't feel comfortable having you live with us' or 'I'm not happy you living with us and I want you to find your own home'. Using I statements reducing defensiveness of the other and allows for clear and direct communication with the other person. Remain firm in your decision even if she tries to manipulate you by crying or laying a guilt trip on you. As I said, it's your life and you're entitled to decide who lives with you. If you're not close to her, why have her living under the same roof as you?? Kick her out asap and don't let her move into your new home. I hope this helps!

PH

Thanks for all the support! After discussing with my husband, we both sat down and I had my talk with her yesterday. I have mixed feelings. I explained how I have a lot of pressures in my life right now and its really just not a good time for extended visits or to have anyone live with us. Of course, she kind of put it back on me saying I need to manage my stress levels better, I need to get my life under control, and all she's trying to do is help us. And, then she stormed off. I haven't talked to her since but my husband is home with her and said she is now complaining that she doesn't want to abandon me in my time of need.

Its all very confusing. And coincidental that she has a sudden interest in my stress levels years after estrangement when she needs a place to live.

So, either this weekend will make things better or worse. But, we have an open house on Sunday and Saturday I have errands to run so hopefully I can keep busy and there won't be too much drama. I really do have too much else going on to let this negativity absorb my day.

My question is, why are you letting this person manipulate, disrespect and abuse you like this?

And, just because she's family doesn't give her that right!

To Heck With Her! ... Give her a list of local hotels and let her choose one!

Stand Up For Yourself!

Set & Respect YOUR Boundaries!

And let hubby know he better respect them too!

You'll be amazed at how empowering that is!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!



PS1 ... She's playing you and your husband against each other and THAT IS NOT OKAY either!

PS2 ... If you can't bring yourself to say it, pfeel pfree to print this out & hand it to her and allow Pfrog to say it to her for you!

This is rich, considering that she is a main cause of your "time of need".

To address the confusion: she isn't interested in you. She is looking for a place to live, and will say anything to find one with you.

She will live with you for the rest of her life/your life unless you put a stop to this. And it will be painful when you do put a stop to it, because she will complain and be angry and try to guilt you.

Be strong! Tell Her No.

She wants to live with you because she can control both of you. It's that simple. She will rule the roost. If you show her a united front, whereby you both communicate you want to live alone as a couple, she will probably decide not to move into your area at all. She believes she can rule. If she believes she can't rule, she'll stay put where she is. If you don't stand united, she will be moving in with you unfortunately.

Do not allow her to move in. Tell her you have a date set up for her to move out. If she doesn't move out call the police

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Your aunt is not being polite. She is being incredibly rude. You have every right to tell her to get out of your home and find somewhere else to stay. I would do it ASAP so she can't claim she lives there. If unwanted house guests stay for a certain length of time, in some states they are treated as tenants, even if they are not paying rent. Tell your husband that he needs to help you get her out.

Wow thank you everyone! I really appreciate the words of support!

In a fit after our talk, she ended up leaving on Friday to go visit another family member a few states away. It was a welcome sigh of relief. Of course, I know that tomorrow she will be back in town and I will be right back where I started.

My husband has been incredibly supportive and he told me if I want him to, he'll handle everything for me and kindly but forcefully tell her to leave. That was also a welcome relief.

I think I just need to take it a day at a time. I was so stressed out on Friday I accidentally took all my medications twice-- once at my prescribed time and then I was sure I forgot and took them all again. Talk about loopy!! I have never done that -- ever. Fortunately, the worst of it was a severe migraine for about 24 hours but I can't let myself get so frazzled I make these sorts of mistakes.

Part of me always feels obligated to "do unto others" and be the bigger person, but there comes a time when enough is enough! I really appreciate everyone's support. It has been very helpful. I often lack the strength to empower myself. This forum has helped me have that strength!