[black-roses]

The thing that bothers me the most about the friendship I had is the mixed feelings of when I realized I was getting close to him and how I ended up getting angry with him for something stupid he did. That now I am just in limbo with longing to get close to him but then wanting to punish him for his perceived abandonment and inaccessibility. I am both frustrated and overwhelmed by his closeness and then I am overwhelmed by this detachedness. Is this how I am meant to feel when people get close to me why am I so overwhelmed? I just wanted to tell him if he didn't want to be my friend or to get close to me don't ask me for anything... I wanted more from him but then I am overwhelmed of being close to him both emotions at the same time what the hell is happening to me. I bought a doll to satisfy my longing to hold him I wanted more than anything to hug him but if I asked him I know he would be cold and detached and freaked out. Is he really similar to me in the sense that he wants to get close but then can't help but remain cold, detached and distant. Was it really that he was being arrogant and rude because he was afraid of getting close and that I would leave suddenly? Is he in anyway a mirror of me and my feelings? These are things that baffle me and I wish I knew how I could communicate my distress that he isn't always accessible I appear to be unaffected by it but I am really distressed by it. I couldn't stop crying when I held my doll... However, I know if he was going to return I know I'd be detached and cold towards him... Even though it is the reason of my pain that I can't just hold people when they return after leaving me... :/ huh?