Should I end a relationship with a man I truly love?

I have been dating a great guy who is my a wonderful friend. Everything is amazing between us and I think we are pretty even in terms of how much we are into each other, which is a lot. We have talked about moving in together etc. but both of us are happy taking things steady. We both own our own homes and like having that base and stability for the time being.

However, just recently it feels like is weighing up his options and thinking he may not stick with this afterall. His actions don't show this but he has made a joke about splitting with me because he doesn't know if he can cope with my children and I think he means dealing with all the usual drama and inconvenience 2 kids bring. He is always really good with them and they really like him but this recent comment blindsided me and it has really upset me to the point I can't even talk to him about it just yet. He often 'jokes' about me dumping him over daft things but rarely has he said it the other way and this wasn't something meaningless, this was something major.

We are normally really open with each other about stuff but this subject is just too emotional for me. I love my kids, I love him. I get the feeling he is just being really honest about the fact that he finds this very hard (he doesn't have children himself) and that is thinking he may not want to be with me going foward. I just wish he would tell me though and not keep spending time here with me and my children whilst he is all the time thinking that he may not stay.

I must re-iterate, this guy is a real gem and a truly lovely person. I know he loves me but think he is torn. I need to have a conversation with him about this I realise, but I don't want it to seem like I am asking him to make some formal commitment or go.

Part of me thinks maybe I should relax about the future and not think long term, mentally phase him out, but that goes against everything we have talked about and I will start to plan him out of my life and will inadvertently say stuff which indicates I am planning my future without him. This is the man who just last week was going to grow old with me and now I just feel like I don't know anything anymore.

Hello and welcome to PC!

It sounds like you have a great budding relationship. There's no need to rush anything. I am sure he is scared. Taking on someone's children is a very scary endeavor!

Just to give you encouragement-- My sister recently got remarried. She got divorced from a 30 year marriage. She has two grown kids, but my niece is still living with her. She is much more than a handful to put it mildly. She has BPD, ADHD, can't keep a job due to her rage disorder, and is the definition of Wild Child.

The man she married was 57 and never even had a real relationship with a woman. He was so cautious at first, he wouldn't even eat a meal in my sister's house and insisted they were just friends in the beginning. But, he came around and happily committed to my sister, step-daughter and all. And he gets along great with my niece! He acts like the loving father she never had, and he calls her his daughter.

Sometimes I believe that little things get said out of fear. Just reading your post brought something to the surface, for my own sense of peace about the topic.

I'd imagine, those pregnancy days with your children's father were filled with both excitement and fear? Will I be a good parent type of thinking. Along with joking asides during more stressful moments.

Except, there's a sense of fear in blending into a family especially when it hasn't been a daily norm. Will I be good enough? Will I create a rift? Will I do wrong by their mom and find myself so far out that door??

Maybe just continue taking things day by day?

Actions speak louder than words. I think anyone who has no experience raising children are terrified by the responsibility, even expectant 1st time parents are terrified they are not ready or will not be good parents. Compound that fear with not having gone through pregnancy, birth, rausing from infancy, not having the advantage of learning as you go. I think his fear is natural and warranted. I would look more towards how he is around yourchildren and how your children feel about him. When he is around is it tense or natural? If he is good to you and good with your kids, i think just take it slow and see if your relationship is griwing towards being a family unit. Talk to him and reassure him that there is no rush for him to jump in with both feet and be "daddy". But be mindful of little signs too. Is he truly trying to engage with your kids or does he seem to just tolerate them being there cuz he wants to spend time with you? Ie. Does it seem like he is anxiously just waiting for time alone with you, goes through the motions but doesnt actually light up til the kids are a sleep? Honestly, he is the only one who can decide if and when he is ready to be a dad. Dont push, just observe objectively and really ask your kids, in an age appropriate way, what they think. Children have an amazing way of seeing things adults might not. Good luck! I hope everything works out. Keep writing, someone will always be here

I love children. I spend all day with them ( teach) and I raised my own. But I wouldn't date let alone marry men with young kids. Simply because I am done raising kids. It doesn't make me a bad person, I don't think it does. I just know what I want. If he doesn't want to be around kids he should not date a woman with kids and he needs to be honest and up front not string you along

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You could say: "It sounded like maybe you wee joking, but when you said that you should split with me because of my kids it really caught my attention. I need to know: Is that actually your plan?"

Please do speak with him, it sounds like this is going to be on your mind until you can resolve it with him.

I have no business commenting as I don't have experience. So just from an observations standpoint...

If you have talked about moving in together, then you are close enough to be frank and direct with each other.

If children weren't involved, I would say that you can dance around the subject as long as you both like.

So, your feelings on this are right on. Know what you want and see if he wants the same thing, sooner rather than later.

JMHO