[hwollydoodle]

I'm married to a really wonderful man, since November 2015, though we've lived together since 2013. He helps out around the house, is a great listener, rarely if ever loses his temper, and is supportive of anything I want to pursue in life. He has suffered from severe depression since he was about 18- he is now 43. I have three children- ages 16, 13 and 9.
Recently he's been telling me that I'm always mad at him, that I can never just leave him alone. I feel him retreating more and more and closing off. This past weekend, he probably said 5 sentences to me in total. I'm trying to just lay low and let this pass but he's been more moody that usual. It doesn't really seem like his depression. Usually with his depression he just lays in bed and I know he's really down so I let him be and continue on with my life. But he's going to work and reading a lot and getting out everyday to run or hike. I'm trying not to take it personally but how do I not?
He's been pointing out everything the kids are doing wrong in the last few days. So this morning when he started to complain about the way they did the dishes last night, I lied to him and said that I was the one who did them just to save them. Then he turned on me and said, "well I guess your kids will never learn to do the dishes right. They get it from you.. it's in their DNA."
He's hyper-critical right now. I can't talk to my friends, because they hate him based on things I've told them. I don't even want to be around him, but I also feel such a strong love for him. I know that he's hiding in there somewhere underneath all of the suffering he's feeling. But I am noticing a lot of anger inside of me. When he turns on my kids, it's like I go into mama bear mode.
I'm also noticing that I'm second guessing myself a lot lately. He's telling me that I'm crazy, that I'm mad all the time at him.His memory is really poor due to depression and he tells me that I don't remember things correctly, but I'm 90% sure it's him. And I'm now lying to him to save an argument. This all feels pretty wrong to me and unhealthy. I'm not sure where I'm at or how to handle this. Any suggestions?

[Bill3]

How do your children feel about him?

I wonder if you would consider counseling in order to better understand this strong love you have for someone who is hated by your friends and searingly critical of you and your children.

How open would he be to counseling himself?

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I noticed you said your friends don't like him based on things you've said. What is his history with this type way he's treating you? Could be depression or if it's something you go through often you may want to discuss therapy. Don't let depression be a crutch, it's not an excuse to treat others badly.

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[healingme4me]

I agree about not allowing depression to be the crutch.

I'm reading numerous red flags in the post. Uttering not more than 5 sentences during a weekend.
Lashing out at your kids.
Belittling you.
Nitpicking.
Criticizing.
Non-communacative.
Emotionally agressive via belittling.
Even disappearing by staying in bed and uninvolved because of "depression." why isn't he seeing a pdoc, if that's the case?

By saying that you trying to not take it personally but it's hard, I hear the cry of a woman who is emotionally starved for a loving relationship. Of course you are angry and becoming bitter. Where's the bells and whistles and committment to a better future together? He's letting you down. He's letting your children down. Where's the secondary father figure that he promised them by moving in with you? Where's the leading example of how their mother deserves to be treated?

I also agree about therapy to sort out what brings you to the conclusion that he's worthy of your love and affection.

[Trippin2.0]

Excuse my confusion.... But from what you've posted, I do not see this "wonderful man" you mentioned in your first sentence.

My bf suffers crippling depressions too, but he would never behave in an abusive manner toward me or my daughter because of it.

I have Bipolar and BPD, and I don't treat other people in an abusive manner when I'm in the throws of an episode...

My point? I'm reiterating what was said above, MI is no excuse for abuse or just generally shytti treatment.

The comment you made about your friends makes me think this is not the first time he's displayed such appalling behaviour.

So I suggest that you may want to look into why you overlook or minimise it, keeping him steadily on his pedestal.

[divine1966]

It always baffles me when women post that they have a wonderful man and then proceed to give details of him how he is pretty horrid. I am not sure what's wonderful about him but he sounds opposite of wonderful. Why are you with him? How recent is the behavior?

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