[black-roses]

Today, I went to the psychologist I handed her my dependence life-trap that she gave to me. Then she handed me another booklet to read about subjuction reading it I realize just how much I identify to it. My mother always noticed that when I got angry at her it was because another person had tried to dominate and suppress me or had no care about my feelings and were assholes. I am what you could I rebel I go to the extreme of defying all advice even if they advice is good because I am angry at my mother and her attempts to control me and mold me to her image. That instead I spend a lot of my money of thing she thinks I don't need basically in doing this I am activating some more of her anger and I continue doing the same things to piss her off to anger her. Basically I am trying to show her that I am angry at her attempts of controlling me but instead of confronting her and telling her how it makes me feel when she tells me how I should dress, how I spend my money instead I rebel and do all the things that anger her so I feel in more control and in power of my life. However, this is illusionary and she just becomes angrier and then this activates my passive-aggressive why of doing things with anger until someone else pisses me off and I take it out on her. It has already affected my friendships because instead of addressing my feelings of being controlled or done wrong by my emotions I instead just blow up in their faces and the trigger might not have anything to do with them. I did the same thing with Teeg I was pissed off at how I felt be was unfairly critical of my decisions (just like my mother). Instead of telling him that I attacked him said he was evil and the trigger was another guy that sexually groped me then said I was a communal **** then asked if I could give him dexies I agreed because I let people subjuctate me and I give into myself he became angry when I forgot to give it to him and he said i was useless and I didn't have all this time to waste. Instead I should have told him to come to my house if he wanted the medication not have me going out of my way for someone that didn't even deserve me to because he was a **** of a human being. I was pretty pissed off about him violating me and abusing me I was hurt and then I unloaded all of my anger onto Teeg calling him evil and saying that he returned just to hurt me. I am still so hurt about what that guy that groped me did that I have been indirectly taking it out on every guy that exists basically I feel sad and hopeless because I have no way to feel safe with the opposite sex anymore.

[curley]

Black, I am glad you are trying to understand your feelings and behavior. Really the right step talking to a doctor. Good luck to you

[black-roses]

I feels so much better ever since I started counselling