[black-roses]

So me feeling disappointed because men couldn't or didn't want to validate me is normal?
I dont want to feel that pain
So I believe that only I can validate myself completely
**** needing others

[Lost_in_the_woods]

I'm not quite sure exactly what your trying to say black roses.. could you maybe elaborate or rephrase for me cuz I think I might get where your coming from..but I don't want to assume.. and end up being completely off base.

[black-roses]

I mean do I need others to tell me I am good to feel accepted?

[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by black-roses

I mean do I need others to tell me I am good to feel accepted?

No. You definitely shouldn't. I live with this too. Not you should expect people to, but it's why its nice to hear people say nice things.

But it's a bit deeper more your self esteem and sense of well-being is reliant on the approval of others, because you are lacking internal content and feeling self satisfied.

I am like you, but learned people don't worry about stuff like that things in the moment that are hurtful mean little it's the actions and feelinfs that matter and how you react let's the other person know how they should treat you.

The trick is to care about others and not care what they think about you.

[Yismymindblank12]

Don't expect validation, that's not healthy and it puts unneeded pressure on yourself and the male you want to validate you, like specifically what validation do you mean being listened to, or complimented, or hugs affection idk?.

When I want validation in the sense you do, I desire to be told how perfect I am as an imperfect person. Being the perfect blemmish or mistake being made known no judgement will be cast on my emotional stress stuff like that.

[Crazy Hitch]

If you don't know your own self worth it will be influenced by others, possibly negatively.

Know who you are.

And what you stand for.

[~Christina]

I dont need validation , sure its nice. But cheesy as this sounds ... You first need to be happy with yourself before it really matters what others think about you.

Based on the Threads you currently have going on.. you do indeed need to back away from some actions and personal decisions that are causing your more negative than positive in your life.

Everyone makes mistakes in life... it's just part of being a human being. Most of the best lessons I have learned about myself were from very poor decisions on my part.

I hope that your in therapy.. It's hard work but the best things come from hard work.

You deserve some peace in your life

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Thank you for the clarification black roses. I wasn't very far off track. There are two basic categories of needs. Objective and subjective. Objective needs are regarded as "universal" for survival. Ie. Water, air, food, shelter, and procreation for the means of continuation of a species. Then there subjective needs. These fall under many Sub categories and are therefore perticular to the beliefs and betterment of improving the conditions of smaller and individual quality of life and or natural selection. While all species in someway distinguish between what is and is not desirable; humans are unique in the wide diversity of subjective needs amongst one species. (With the exception of adaptation due to environmental changes) These subsets are societial, traditional, religious, cultural, but ultimately highly indiviual. Individual needs have to do with core values, innate genetics, and personal life experiences. So you are probably wondering at this point.." what the heck does all this darwinian mumbo jumbo have to do with me?"
You expressed a "need" for outside approval to feel self value. Most ppl do to some extent. But what you should examine is where does this need stem from? Does it better your life or does it cause you to suffer? Do you feel that these needs have been externally imposed? Or do you feel you would be internally at peace with your individual needs if external critics did not impose their standards on you? Core Values are our own internal moral compasses, that give us a true automous sense of self. They are our conscience, our personal beliefs, and our driving forces. Core values require life long re evaluations. And a clear set of personal boundaries. Not knowing or establishing these values and boundaries leaves us vulnerable to the whims of our impulses and quick to cling/claim on to others values/boundaries without full understanding or consideration. Both of these are maladaptive to our self worth and tend not yield healthy results. Instead we either lose part of ourselves or just further confuse us from finding our own true paths. I have read some of your posts in passing and I can identify with your stuggle. I too carry a dx of BPD and it took me yrs of therapy and DBT work to even identify 1 core value! I suffer from a lifetime of identity disturbances as well. From my yrs of therapeutic work, outside research, and self evaluation... I have come to believe in the ever more widely accepted environmental/ nurture theory model that suggests that marked identity disturbances are the result of extremely mixed signals picked up from early childhood and into adulthood. If you grow up feeling like you are not allowed to have your own voice or that no matter what you try to do/ be isn't accepted nurtured or rewarded. Grow up without a clear sense of support in self views it manifests into extremes of people pleases (always trying to find that acceptance that your emotional development never recieved) and/or frantic impulsive "rebellion" (not the best term)... ( ie maladaptive oppositional behaviors that can be both dangerous and degrading, but come from a refusal to be told who you are and or a learned response that negative behaviors were the only way to get any attention from parental/ adult figures). So really somewhere deep down inside yourself lays the answers you seek. If you are generally overall well adapted and really just have an individual need and desire to be complimented online in a sexual form of free expression... then you gotta just hold your head up high and ignore all the prudes, haters, and outdated taboos about overt female sexuality... If you are feeling that your drive to garnish sexuality attention is making you feel more unsatified, empty, and desperate for a more fulfilling form of companionship then start exploring the above questions and work with your T to help figure out what you actually require to feel loved, desired, but balanced and automous.
P.s. hope that didn't come off too preachy. Everything in this post is based off of my personal journey, experiences, and understanding. I hope you find some of it helpful. The rest ignore...only you and your journey can decide what works for you.

[black-roses]

Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods

Thank you for the clarification black roses. I wasn't very far off track. There are two basic categories of needs. Objective and subjective. Objective needs are regarded as "universal" for survival. Ie. Water, air, food, shelter, and procreation for the means of continuation of a species. Then there subjective needs. These fall under many Sub categories and are therefore perticular to the beliefs and betterment of improving the conditions of smaller and individual quality of life and or natural selection. While all species in someway distinguish between what is and is not desirable; humans are unique in the wide diversity of subjective needs amongst one species. (With the exception of adaptation due to environmental changes) These subsets are societial, traditional, religious, cultural, but ultimately highly indiviual. Individual needs have to do with core values, innate genetics, and personal life experiences. So you are probably wondering at this point.." what the heck does all this darwinian mumbo jumbo have to do with me?"
You expressed a "need" for outside approval to feel self value. Most ppl do to some extent. But what you should examine is where does this need stem from? Does it better your life or does it cause you to suffer? Do you feel that these needs have been externally imposed? Or do you feel you would be internally at peace with your individual needs if external critics did not impose their standards on you? Core Values are our own internal moral compasses, that give us a true automous sense of self. They are our conscience, our personal beliefs, and our driving forces. Core values require life long re evaluations. And a clear set of personal boundaries. Not knowing or establishing these values and boundaries leaves us vulnerable to the whims of our impulses and quick to cling/claim on to others values/boundaries without full understanding or consideration. Both of these are maladaptive to our self worth and tend not yield healthy results. Instead we either lose part of ourselves or just further confuse us from finding our own true paths. I have read some of your posts in passing and I can identify with your stuggle. I too carry a dx of BPD and it took me yrs of therapy and DBT work to even identify 1 core value! I suffer from a lifetime of identity disturbances as well. From my yrs of therapeutic work, outside research, and self evaluation... I have come to believe in the ever more widely accepted environmental/ nurture theory model that suggests that marked identity disturbances are the result of extremely mixed signals picked up from early childhood and into adulthood. If you grow up feeling like you are not allowed to have your own voice or that no matter what you try to do/ be isn't accepted nurtured or rewarded. Grow up without a clear sense of support in self views it manifests into extremes of people pleases (always trying to find that acceptance that your emotional development never recieved) and/or frantic impulsive "rebellion" (not the best term)... ( ie maladaptive oppositional behaviors that can be both dangerous and degrading, but come from a refusal to be told who you are and or a learned response that negative behaviors were the only way to get any attention from parental/ adult figures). So really somewhere deep down inside yourself lays the answers you seek. If you are generally overall well adapted and really just have an individual need and desire to be complimented online in a sexual form of free expression... then you gotta just hold your head up high and ignore all the prudes, haters, and outdated taboos about overt female sexuality... If you are feeling that your drive to garnish sexuality attention is making you feel more unsatified, empty, and desperate for a more fulfilling form of companionship then start exploring the above questions and work with your T to help figure out what you actually require to feel loved, desired, but balanced and automous.
P.s. hope that didn't come off too preachy. Everything in this post is based off of my personal journey, experiences, and understanding. I hope you find some of it helpful. The rest ignore...only you and your journey can decide what works for you.

I dont think I do the camming for sexual compliments by others more of a need to express my sexuality and not be afraid. I think this whole camming thing was about experimental on my emotional, psychological needs. Why I get turned on in certain settings versus others. It was about answering questions. This may seem strange but I am not unhappy or ashamed of it instead I feel confident and very happy with my sexual identity, it gave me the encourgement to try girls. I am bisexual. I guess sometimes we have to break and separate the boundaries that were imposed on us by others. My mother was the one that influenced me to feel ashamed and rigid with my self expression and sexuality. Now I know exactly how I want to dress and behave I don't feel the need to be a rebel anymore I got the excitement and exhilaration from it. Now, is too keep that positive view on sexuality without camming naked. I don't know how but sexuality should be from a place of creativity and sharing something nice not the old view. Where I viewed sexuality in the sense "that I would be passed around like nothing" That is not what sexuality is that is me letting insecurities and unfounded fears to control how I feel about my body, think of my body, think of my sexuality etc.

[divine1966]

I wonder if this belongs on sexuality forum rather than this one as it addresses what turns you on etc not as much relationship or communication concerns

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Onward2wards]

Lost_In_the_Woods, did you basically just say one needs to be true to one's own values and needs regardless of what naysayers (and perhaps one's own fears) think? I needed to hear that today also. Thanks.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Originally Posted by Onward2wards

Lost_In_the_Woods, did you basically just say one needs to be true to one's own values and needs regardless of what naysayers (and perhaps one's own fears) think? I needed to hear that today also. Thanks.

Well yes basically. My general rule of thumb to live by is ".. and if it harm none; do what ye will."

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by black-roses

I mean do I need others to tell me I am good to feel accepted?

I struggle with this myself, black-roses. I want validation to feel worthy, to feel worth something, to feel happy, to feel like I can be happy with myself.

I tie my self-worth to my job performance or my weight loss performance or my performance with something, anything, that can be judged. And then I rely on the opinions of others to validate whether I have worth. It's a terrible way to be. I am trying very hard to give myself worth just by being human and alive. Just for having the qualities that make me who I am. But it's very hard when you grew up the way I did, only getting attention for outperforming every one in your class, and after a while even that didn't get you attention because it was expected so you had to do even bigger and better all the time to get any attention.

Try to learn ways to self-validate. Write down 10 things about yourself that you like. And every day write a new thing about yourself that you like. GIve yourself worth just for being you, not for anything that you do or have done.

I will continue to struggle with this probably my whole life. =(

Seesaw

[black-roses]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I struggle with this myself, black-roses. I want validation to feel worthy, to feel worth something, to feel happy, to feel like I can be happy with myself.

I tie my self-worth to my job performance or my weight loss performance or my performance with something, anything, that can be judged. And then I rely on the opinions of others to validate whether I have worth. It's a terrible way to be. I am trying very hard to give myself worth just by being human and alive. Just for having the qualities that make me who I am. But it's very hard when you grew up the way I did, only getting attention for outperforming every one in your class, and after a while even that didn't get you attention because it was expected so you had to do even bigger and better all the time to get any attention.

Try to learn ways to self-validate. Write down 10 things about yourself that you like. And every day write a new thing about yourself that you like. GIve yourself worth just for being you, not for anything that you do or have done.

I will continue to struggle with this probably my whole life. =(

Seesaw

I do love lots of things about myself

[TooManyDays]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Write down 10 things about yourself that you like. And every day write a new thing about yourself that you like.

My therapist made me do something similar to this. It was a terrible experience. For some of us it's difficult to commit to any kind of self validation. I eliminated everything I wished I could write down because they were things that I thought I wasn't good enough at yet or qualities I wasn't certain I possessed. Am I actually empathetic, or do I just think I am? Yes, I'm a musician, but am I really any good? Am I actually smart, or am I just egotistical and pretentious? Am I actually funny, or do people just humor me?

The only thing I've been able to do to improve things is intercept really horrible thoughts about myself. I simply don't allow myself to think excessively negative things - things that are truly cruel and destructive. This has allowed me to at least believe that I'm average or acceptable. Maybe there aren't any really great or superlative things about me, but at least now I can stop seeing myself as a worthless person.