[lovethesun]

I am a student. There is another student at my school who competes with me as far as grades, awards, and other special recognition. Apparently this persons self confidence depends on whether they can "beat me" or be better at something than me. This person never hesitates to ask "Did you get nominated for the such-and-such award?", "Did you earn the special trip for performance?", "Were you chosen for the honors club?", etc....etc. Obviously this person only asks these questions when they know that they themselves have earned it. But it is so fricking annoying to be asked this as it puts me in an uncomfortable situation of having to answer. And if I did not happen to get the award or whatever they are asking about, then I have to say it. What would be a good, diplomatic response to a nosy dweeb such as this when they ask these questions? For reference, this person is not a friend.

[Bill3]

Just because someone asks you a question does not mean that you have to answer.

Just because someone expects something of you does not mean that you have to do it.

I know someone who has a policy of not discussing awards, grades, etc. One option would be for that to become your policy.

[LiteraryLark]

I agree with Bill3. You don't have to tell him anything.

I'm terrible at comebacks but it's your business, not his.

[divine1966]

"Why do you ask?"
"Why do you need to know?" Etc answer with questions, and keep asking questions until he leaves you alone

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[seesaw]

I agree with both of these responses. First, make it a policy not to discuss your grades with anyone. Second, ask them why they need to know your business. Then make sure you don't tell them it.

Good luck. Sorry you're dealing with a nosy person.

Seesaw

Is this why you speak so derogatorily about your own daughter's awards ceremony in the other thread? Your confidence issues are spilling over into your parenting. Think about that.

[divine1966]

Gee never mind. I thought this a struggling high school student posting but after reading about your daughter's ceremony I changed my mind on this whole thing. I hope your daughter doesn't know how you feel. You were judging others but don't like to be judged yourself.

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[lovethesun]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Is this why you speak so derogatorily about your own daughter's awards ceremony in the other thread? Your confidence issues are spilling over into your parenting. Think about that.

Please don't beat me up. I have had a very bad experience with a toxic individual and I'm trying to walk a straight line between not giving the person what they want but being as diplomatic as I can be about it. I was only asking for advice. You judge too harshly.

[seesaw]

This is a place for support. The topic here is about a competitive friend, not her daughter. Let's please be supportive and not judgemental or accusatory.

Thanks,
Seesaw

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[lovethesun]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Gee never mind. I thought this a struggling high school student posting but after reading about your daughter's ceremony I changed my mind on this whole thing. I hope your daughter doesn't know how you feel. You were judging others but don't like to be judged yourself.

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As I just said to lolagrace, I'm dealing with a very toxic person who has caused alot of trouble for me. I'm just asking for advice. And I usually get great advice from you and others on this site, but your words above are pretty harsh.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by lovethesun

As I just said to lolagrace, I'm dealing with a very toxic person who has caused alot of trouble for me. I'm just asking for advice. And I usually get great advice from you and others on this site, but your words above are pretty harsh.

Sorry didn't mean to offend you. I felt pretty confused when I found out you are an adult and a parent. I am surprised that grown people are even wondering about honor clubs or awards when attend colleges in adulthood? As an adult you can just walk away. In high school you are forced to stick around. Why even talk to people you don't like. As an adult you have a lot of choice who to associate with when attending college

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[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by lovethesun

I am a student. There is another student at my school who competes with me as far as grades, awards, and other special recognition. Apparently this persons self confidence depends on whether they can "beat me" or be better at something than me. This person never hesitates to ask "Did you get nominated for the such-and-such award?", "Did you earn the special trip for performance?", "Were you chosen for the honors club?", etc....etc. Obviously this person only asks these questions when they know that they themselves have earned it. But it is so fricking annoying to be asked this as it puts me in an uncomfortable situation of having to answer. And if I did not happen to get the award or whatever they are asking about, then I have to say it. What would be a good, diplomatic response to a nosy dweeb such as this when they ask these questions? For reference, this person is not a friend.

Ask them back. "did you?" if they say yes, say "congratulations, that's awesome." then walk away.

[Talthybius]

I don't know what everyone else is talking about, but a fellow student asking how you are performing academically, either deliberately or unintentionally arrogantly, how is that truly a 'toxic person' that causes 'a bad experience' and puts you 'through a lot of trouble'?

Are you failing classes or honours and he/she rubs it in?

On the face it sounds like a tactless person if wrongly assuming you two have a friendly competition going and is oblivious to the fact you find that annoying/demeaning.

But it seems there is more going on, but you don't tell me enough to tell what it is.

A person really has to say "Did you fail last exam again?" to be intentionally bullying. A person may just want to know they scored better than you did, but are not socially able to hide it from you. Are you both scoring good marks? A bit of competition isn't bad. Maybe this boat sailed long ago and maybe it was a one way street anyway, but you could have studied together, help each other, then compare grades.
If this person selected you to be her/his competitor, in a sense that's a compliment. She/he likely respects your academic ability. Otherwise, they wouldn't care. Or only ask it sarcastically to bully you for scoring lower. But if that is what is happening, I think you would have worded it differently.

So yes, why you say it is toxic and causing very bad experiences, I am not sure.

I am also a student and it took me some time to learn that you have to be very careful talking about marks when you score high marks. Basically, it is not nice to ask someone what their mark is if you know they know you likely scored higher.

[mama pajama]

Let's say they are obsessed with beating or one-upping you. If you react in a way that's indifferent, like you are not in competition with them. Even if they got all the awards, grades, you will have beat them. Think about it, is it fun to play a game with someone who has no interest in playing back? The game isn't fun anymore and you'll look for a new willing participant who will play. If you get upset or defensive, but have the award they are asking about, they will have won. if you just can't fake indifference, can you just avoid them?

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am surprised that grown people are even wondering about honor clubs or awards when attend colleges in adulthood?

You've obviously never been to nursing or medical school.



Just kidding, I know you haven't. But we were very competitive. And we always wanted to know. People would tell us it didn't matter; those days are gone. My employer wanted my college transcript as part of the hiring process, and when I came for my in-person group interview (my hospital's hiring process for new grad RNs is intense), they all had it in front of them.

I was competitive. I am competitive. I had a 4.0 throughout most of nursing school, and was on the Dean's list throughout all of my college career. I was a nursing club officer, as well as a scholarship holder. And I got my first choice when it came to internship and job. I did discuss grades, but only with my friends, because sometimes it helped us to understand where the rest of the class was at. For us, anything below 80% was failing, and some people really rode that line--one or two questions on a test could fail you (my friend failed Med-surg 4 by one question). There was a girl in my class who was super competitive to the point where she was obnoxious and got on everyone's nerves. But most of us competed with each other a little bit. My friend K and I were always the first two done when it came to tests...and I always tried to beat her! It didn't matter who was done first, but it was a little friendly competition, didn't hurt anyone. And she's one of the smartest people I know, so it made me feel good if I could beat her.

Sometimes people are just asking for validation, because they think you're smart and want to know if you're on track. Sometimes it's to find some camaraderie. And, sometimes, people are just plain competitive. It's up to you to decide if you want to share your grades or not. But I wouldn't take it personally. It's not worth it.

[divine1966]

My point wasn't about competitiveness but about attending school having a family hence having no time to agonize what awards other people got

. I do have two masters, I had a lot of schooling in my life, sure not in a medical field , and I am A student my whole life as well as I know many people in many fields. In my personal experience when you attend graduate school ( or any school) in adulthood while having a family, kids and husband or just kids at home, people don't agonize what others got and what clubs the joined but worry about themselves and their own grades and their families they have to rush to after class.

Most adult students don't hang out at the school but go home to their kids, it is not like attending undergrad at 18 and single and hanging out at the school all day. So I was surprised this grown person would be bothered to know what honor clubs lovethesun
join.

But to come think of it lovethesun is an adult but the other person might not be hence she has the time harassing lovethesun about pitty stuff adults have no time for


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Originally Posted by divine1966

My point wasn't about competitiveness but about attending school having a family hence having no time to agonize what awards other people got

Over half of the people in my class were adult students, with families at home as well as jobs, sometimes multiple ones. It made no difference. In fact, it made them more competitive because they had no time to repeat classes. I don't mean to come off as offensive, but sometimes, just because you have two master's degrees and etc, you are not the expert on school. I have three associate's degrees, because I meandered around in college for a while. I've been in school long enough to have a master's degree...have that amount of credits... so I do know what I'm talking about as well. And just because an experience was a certain way for you, it isn't that way universally. Leave room in your mind for the possibility that there may be a different way of experiencing something.

Community college experiences can be much different than traditional university.