[adam_k]

I wasn't really sure of what this really was until recently. There have been several family members that have been in relationships like this. I didn't think it applied to me until I started looking at the questions.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
Constantly. When I feel an argument coming I tend try to avoid it before it can happen or I just shut down.

2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
Yes. If I disappoint this I value I feel incredible terrible and worthless.

3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
Several of my family members when I was younger. My spouse for a long time did not work and I had to take care of her. I kept telling myself she would find a job or ignore it. Part of me I think liked that she had to rely on me and I felt some sense of safety or control that she wouldn't leave.

4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
A lot of my family members invalidated me and also made fun of me. Under the guise of just playing but it served to diminish my self esteem. I currently do not have this problem at home.

5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
Yes, almost alway unless I don't value that person. If it is someone I value they have to be right.

6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
I like things to be consistent. My wife did find a job as a home health aid with weird hours. It was quite upsetting not having a routine and randomly being alone.

7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
Not particularly but she only has one friend and doesn't spend a lot of time with her.

8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
I don't even know what I want to be other than I want to be wanted.

9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
Extremely. I feel intense emotions and often think people will just invalidate them or not accept me if I tell them anything other than what I think they want to hear.

10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
Constantly, I've always had a feeling of not being good enough no matter how hard I try

11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
To an unhealthy degree. I hate myself when I make mistakes to the point I have hurt myself.

12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
I smile and say thank you but immediately minimize and reject the compliment in my head. They can't be serious, they are just being nice.

13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
Sometimes

14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
I'm a father and husband, without my effort things would not work and fall apart.

15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
Yes, I feel alone in being the adult in the relationship and I have a very hard time asking for help.

16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
I get really anxious and nervous and feel like it will always go badly.

17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
I don't know who I am. I feel like I just go through the paces. This may just be about depression though.

18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
No is an option? For those around me that I care about i would do just about anything they asked.

19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
Yes, maybe in the back of my head I don't feel like I deserve anyhelp

20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
Not really

I don't know how to feel about the questionnaire. Since counseling and having children my wife has started working. I do still feel like the only adult and that I have to do everything to make things work.

Is there more mental work to do than getting the other person fixed?

yep, Yep, YEP.

In hindsight it took what I now recognize as being a hypomanic state to escape from the relatioship. I kick myself now for having the lack of confidence to leave earlier. I also kick myself for being too fearful of confrontation to properly stand up for my needs and entitlements following. That is part of the co-dependency though that they instill in you the sense that you can't get by without them, that somehow you should be grateful for them being with you and that as a result you owe them.

[adam_k]

I don't want to escape from the relationship. She is a bad person and has made a lot of personal growth in the last couple of years. Plus she is my wife, mother of my child and pregnant. It's not like I have an inclination to leave but I think the things that was ok with the relationship still affect me even if the relationship isn't destructive to us.

It's a personal realization I made recently and I don't know exactly what to do with.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I have BPD and codependency is a huge part of it. I could answer yes to everyone of these questions. I often get stuck in unhealthy relationships but I stay because im too scared to be alone.

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[adam_k]

I meant to say she is not a bad person in that last post

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by RxQueen875

I have BPD and codependency is a huge part of it. I could answer yes to everyone of these questions. I often get stuck in unhealthy relationships but I stay because im too scared to be alone.

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Some parts of it were good and at a certain part of it things were not good. We have done counseling and things work better. I'm struggling with my own mental illness mostly. Part of it is I don't know how to get support from her on this. I've tried but I find myself still hiding how I feel most of the time for the sake of her happiness.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by adam_k

Some parts of it were good and at a certain part of it things were not good. We have done counseling and things work better. I'm struggling with my own mental illness mostly. Part of it is I don't know how to get support from her on this. I've tried but I find myself still hiding how I feel most of the time for the sake of her happiness.

Having a supportive partner that you can be honest with it very important to get through this. You spend a large amount of time with your gf im assuming. Perhaps see if she's open to reading up on it? Or go to a therapy appointment with you?

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[adam_k]

I agree having a supportive partner would go a long way. I try to get that but she struggles with it. It feels like every time she had to be there for me it becomes about her.

It's my wife so it's a bit more involved than a gf.

[Bill3]

Thank you very much for posting this!

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Thank you very much for posting this!

Your welcome. I know some people really struggle with this. I was thrown quite off guard when I read the questions and answered yes to so many even though my wife isn't an abusive alcoholic. I seen codependency a lot in my family but never really though I did the mold.

[unaluna]

I've been wondering how you've been doing! You sound pretty good

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by adam_k

Some parts of it were good and at a certain part of it things were not good. We have done counseling and things work better. I'm struggling with my own mental illness mostly. Part of it is I don't know how to get support from her on this. I've tried but I find myself still hiding how I feel most of the time for the sake of her happiness.

While this is very noble and selfless of you to put her first, it may not be the healthiest thing to do for either of you. For instance, I've told you a bit about how bipolar effects me, right? Well, I have learned from experience that when people I love don't understand depression, bp and whatever else, they sometimes think that my moods, my attitude changes have something to do with them. As if THEY caused me to act/feel the way I do. Then they get upset because they don't even know what they've done, which was usually nothing at all. I've learned to be very open and honest with those closest to me so that they know not to blame themselves when I'm only having an episode. It seems to have brought us a bit closer in that they no longer get offended when I just can't make it to a function or when I'm particularly irritable without a cause. And it may even help them to feel included as part of the support team.

But this is just a thought. I don't know the whole situation between you and your wife.

[seeker1950]

For some reason, I've been in several (tried to make it) romantic relationships wherein there was a child/father relationship that would be classified as "codependent" as in they were a "team." My ex inlaws were also like this, living thru the daughters, obsessing over their every move, to the point of what kind of underwear they choose.

That said, the term "codependence" can be applied to anybody. We are all codependent to one degree or another.

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

While this is very noble and selfless of you to put her first, it may not be the healthiest thing to do for either of you. For instance, I've told you a bit about how bipolar effects me, right? Well, I have learned from experience that when people I love don't understand depression, bp and whatever else, they sometimes think that my moods, my attitude changes have something to do with them. As if THEY caused me to act/feel the way I do. Then they get upset because they don't even know what they've done, which was usually nothing at all. I've learned to be very open and honest with those closest to me so that they know not to blame themselves when I'm only having an episode. It seems to have brought us a bit closer in that they no longer get offended when I just can't make it to a function or when I'm particularly irritable without a cause. And it may even help them to feel included as part of the support team.

But this is just a thought. I don't know the whole situation between you and your wife.

It's complicated with her. If I just go into it and tell her what is bothering me and how I feel when it comes to depression stuff she gets really down and just shuts down. Sometimes I feel like she is ignoring me but maybe that isn't the case. With life stuff and everyday things we work well. Taking care of our son, helping with finances together, romance and doing stuff together.

I talk to my sister sometimes. She is younger than me and isn't quite a stable source of support. She 18 and suffers from depression too. I'm honest with her and she can understand it.

Work is a no go. I'm an engineer and I have to look professional. I'm not even close to me at work. I have to act confident, cater to clients needs and do whatever it takes. I have to package all of my mental stuff aside and do the job. I'm quite insecure and I really don't do well when I make mistakes but I can't really show that at work. Breaking down and crying at my desk would not go well.

It's hard. I feel like it is difficult to be me. Maybe I need to get some more supportive friends. I though about a support group.

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by seeker1950

For some reason, I've been in several (tried to make it) romantic relationships wherein there was a child/father relationship that would be classified as "codependent" as in they were a "team." My ex inlaws were also like this, living thru the daughters, obsessing over their every move, to the point of what kind of underwear they choose.

That said, the term "codependence" can be applied to anybody. We are all codependent to one degree or another.

I think we all have to rely on one another sometimes as families to feel bonded. Hopefully to a healthy degree in that we are our own people. It bothers me that my mother in law makes my son her whole life. I fear as he gets beyond a toddler stage it will put a lot of emotional pressure on him.

I think the codendpendancy traits add a lot of duress to my emotional state. Like that I need to be needed or I don't feel good about myself. If she was an alcoholic or something then I would probably stay and things would be very unhealthy. As it is her actions don't cause a lot of self destruction or duress in her life. I should know who I am and feel ok to be me, but I find myself most of the time being what those around me need me to be. That probably isn't healthy. I feel like I don't k of who I am sometimes.

[Bill3]

You mentioned that you see a good deal of codependency in your family. What was it like for you growing up in your family of origin?

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You mentioned that you see a good deal of codependency in your family. What was it like for you growing up in your family of origin?

Early on mom and dad lived together. They split up when I was maybe 7. My dad asked me who I wanted to live with and I told him I wanted to stay with him. Mom was never around because she worked a lot and I didn't see her much.

Me my brother and dad moved in with my uncles. My dad had a drug problem when I was very little and before. I think mom did a lot of supporting of his habbit indirectly. He would steal money I think to buy drugs but she would only get mad and not really do anything. My dad stopped doing drugs when I was little and went to a methadone clinic.

Growing up I felt like I didn't belong. Like there was something about me that didn't match my family. I found out later that my mom had an affair and my father wasn't my biological dad. Everyone knew and I felt I was treated differently.

On of my unlces had a serious drinking problem. My brother started using drugs when he was in his teens. Dad let him do them in the house. He was the only one who abused drugs. fast forward to years later after dad died and my uncle supported my brother and me. I felt like I just lived in the house. My brother would more or less get half of my uncles paycheck to buy drugs. My uncle always came to his rescue when he needed help. I think my dad did too but my brother didn't get into a lot of trouble when dad was alive.

I felt isolated and neglected. Emotionally anyway and my brother was treated better than I was which I think did a lot to lower my self esteem. Not small stuff, but like I didn't have a bed and my brother did. I slept on the floor on some covers. I think stuff like that makes an imprint on your brain.

When I met my life I basically didn't care about my family or the rest of my life. My whole world was her. Part of me was in there because I went to school and had some ambition. I ended up with a degree.

Now I feel like I have to have someone to feel complete. If my marriage ended I don't think I could do very well unless I had someone in my life. My marriage is good though. My wife is a good person, works, takes care of our son and we have a good relationship. I think the difference between what I saw as a kid and my situation is there isn't a trail of destruction in my wake. But still I think there is something wrong because part of me feels like we should be two individuals and I shouldn't have to have her around to feel like I am worthy. Self esteem and abandonment seem to be a them in codependency.

I hope that makes sense. Or maybe I am trying to find a problem in myself were there isn't one.

[Bill3]

Thank you very much for your reply. I think that there is a lot in your personal and family background that can account for codependency and for your feelings of incompleteness and low self esteem. Have you ever had the chance to speak to a therapist? If so, what is/was that like for you? If not, what would you think of seeing one?

[adam_k]

I seen a therapist in my teens for severe depression. Insurance didn't work out and I could find someone I liked after I got booted from one therapist I liked because of insurance.

I've been in therapy for three year. Weve talked about a lot. It's hard with just an hour a week to understand who you are and change aspects of one life. Therapy has helped and I do better now.

[Bill3]

I am really glad to hear that therapy has been helping. I suggest that you tell your T about the codependency questionnaire.

It sounds like you were very very badly hurt as a child. I wonder if it would be possible to go twice a week for a while. If it were possible, perhaps ask T what they think of this idea.

[adam_k]

I thought about it, but her schedule is quite full and I have to pay out of pocket. She gives me a reduced rate though.

The depression currently is a far more significant problem to deal with.

[Bill3]

Well it is up to you of course. I am just thinking that there is something imho to be said for telling her about a significant discovery that you made about yourself, and perhaps having her help you explore the ramifications of that discovery, including how it might contribute to/affect your depression.

[adam_k]

There is probably stuff in there that we will get to. In the last couple of weeks it has been about the more life threatening symptoms of depression. Suicidal ideation, self injury and my lack of self esteem and confidence that may be affecting my job.

I think there is a lot in my head and past that can be worked out. I'm tackling the biggest ones right now that affect the quality of my life.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by adam_k

I wasn't really sure of what this really was until recently. There have been several family members that have been in relationships like this. I didn't think it applied to me until I started looking at the questions.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
Constantly. When I feel an argument coming I tend try to avoid it before it can happen or I just shut down.

2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
Yes. If I disappoint this I value I feel incredible terrible and worthless.

3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
Several of my family members when I was younger. My spouse for a long time did not work and I had to take care of her. I kept telling myself she would find a job or ignore it. Part of me I think liked that she had to rely on me and I felt some sense of safety or control that she wouldn't leave.

4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
A lot of my family members invalidated me and also made fun of me. Under the guise of just playing but it served to diminish my self esteem. I currently do not have this problem at home.

5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
Yes, almost alway unless I don't value that person. If it is someone I value they have to be right.

6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
I like things to be consistent. My wife did find a job as a home health aid with weird hours. It was quite upsetting not having a routine and randomly being alone.

7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
Not particularly but she only has one friend and doesn't spend a lot of time with her.

8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
I don't even know what I want to be other than I want to be wanted.

9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
Extremely. I feel intense emotions and often think people will just invalidate them or not accept me if I tell them anything other than what I think they want to hear.

10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
Constantly, I've always had a feeling of not being good enough no matter how hard I try

11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
To an unhealthy degree. I hate myself when I make mistakes to the point I have hurt myself.

12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
I smile and say thank you but immediately minimize and reject the compliment in my head. They can't be serious, they are just being nice.

13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
Sometimes

14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
I'm a father and husband, without my effort things would not work and fall apart.

15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
Yes, I feel alone in being the adult in the relationship and I have a very hard time asking for help.

16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
I get really anxious and nervous and feel like it will always go badly.

17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
I don't know who I am. I feel like I just go through the paces. This may just be about depression though.

18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
No is an option? For those around me that I care about i would do just about anything they asked.

19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
Yes, maybe in the back of my head I don't feel like I deserve anyhelp

20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
Not really

I don't know how to feel about the questionnaire. Since counseling and having children my wife has started working. I do still feel like the only adult and that I have to do everything to make things work.

Is there more mental work to do than getting the other person fixed?

I can definitely say "yes" to a lot of these. Thanks for sharing. As soon as I get close to a partner, I feel like I'm going to "screw everything up" or that as soon as I disappoint, they will leave me.

I feel inadequate a lot, and I'm super critical of myself at all times. I blame myself for everything, including a partner's short-comings. Then, I act like a control freak, trying to think I can "correct" a situation, when really maybe I should hold the other person accountable sometimes. I can also relate to having difficulties accepting gifts, but I think that's part of my upbringing or maybe low self-esteem during certain periods.

I think I have some signs of Borderline Personality, but I've been formally diagnosed as Bipolar 1. With the Bipolar, money can be an issue during hypomanic/manic times where I spend a lot of money on people, partly because I want them to stay with me and keep having a good time. It catches up to me where it's excessive, and in a depressive state, I feel guilty about it. I feel trapped at times and wish I didn't have such a hard time with all of this....it's draining and often painful.