[LaDauphine]

Hi everyone,
I need serious help.

Last night, my fiance's (FI) mother committed suicide. Well, it hasn't officially been declared a suicide. She did send her children and husband goodbye texts, but until there's an autopsy with a full toxicology report we won't know 100%. She was on a lot of medication for a variety of physical and mental issues which would be relatively easy to overdose on if she wanted. However, I believe she did kill herself for a number of reasons which I'll touch on throughout this thread or elaborate if asked.

The reason for my post is because I don't know how how to support my FI. I'm a special kind of useless when it comes to death. I shut down. Completely. My emotions get turned off like a switch. I don't cry. I just move on instantaneously. I'm the only one who went to work today. I wanted to work. Her husband was out of town as he works away from home 5 days per week (a big reason for her suicide, IMO) so the family won't be able to get together until later today. I just didn't see the point in missing a day of work for this. Why would I want to sit and bask in all of that sadness? We have bills to pay. Hell, we have a WEDDING in 60 days (another reason for her suicide) so I just want to mush on.

The reason I'm so lost on what to do is because everyone (apart from her husband) was estranged from her. Her 1 daughter cut her off completely and my FI and I had every intention of doing the same after we're married (if we even get married that is). Her other daughter stays in minimal contact, but that's mainly because she lives next door.

You see, his mother was a miserable woman. Depressed. Always complaining. She took everyone for granted. She cheated on her husband. Ran up his credit card bills. She even took his money and gave it to her lover. Her "lover" eventually came back and laughed in her face. We cut her out of our wedding planning because she was being destructive. Basically, she isolated herself and didn't make any real effort to go make a life for herself. She just kind of... sat there. In the dark. (Seriously, she would close all the curtains and just sit there for days.)

Her children weren't speaking to her yesterday and after this they're all inconsolable. I don't know how to react. I don't know how to support. I'm sad she's gone, yes, but I strongly believe we're all responsible for our own happiness and she had more support (before the family became estranged), money, time and resources to get better. All she really needed to do was find some purpose. Volunteer. Get a job. Make a friend. SOMETHING.

Anyway, I guess how she chose to live her life isn't important, but it does explain her downward spiral. My feelings aren't even important. Or are they? I don't even know. It shouldn't be about me.

How do I help my FI? Do I hover over him? I can't even bring myself to message him because I don't have anything to say. When I got home from work I was praying he wasn't here (he wasn't) because again, I wouldn't know what to say. How to people want to be consoled in these situations? Does he want me to baby him? I could try to do that. Does he want me to give him space? I'd much rather do that. What do I DO?

[Little Lulu]

Saying something like 'I'm sorry this happened and I will be there to support you' is enough. You can't make it right but you can lend an ear to listen and a heart to empathize when he/they need it.

I am sorry all of you are going through. Loss of anyone through suicide is very tough. I lost a young cousin to suicide and it created havoc in my family. I hope you find some support for yourself, as well. You will need it. Glad you felt comfortable to post here. (((Hugs)))

[LaDauphine]

Originally Posted by Little Lulu

Saying something like 'I'm sorry this happened and I will be there to support you' is enough. You can't make it right but you can lend an ear to listen and a heart to empathize when he/they need it.

I am sorry all of you are going through. Loss of anyone through suicide is very tough. I lost a young cousin to suicide and it created havoc in my family. I hope you find some support for yourself, as well. You will need it. Glad you felt comfortable to post here. (((Hugs)))

So it would be OK if I just turned into Cliche Girl? I can pop out the one liners that people say, but I'm afraid to SPEAK because I don't think what I Have to say will be supportive.

I, too, lost a parent due to suicide so you'd think he'd want to lean on me, but he seems quite distant and I'm not helping to close the space. It's so hard.

[Skeezyks]

Hello LaDauphine: The Skeezyks, being almost entirely solitary, doesn't know a lot about this sort of thing. I'm very much like you in these types of situations. My inclination is also to "mush on".

I grew up as an only child in an elderly extended family. A good share of my youth was spent going to funerals as they all died off one after another. We'd go to the wakes & the funerals, etc. I don't recall ever thinking much about it at the time. It was simply something that interrupted whatever it was that was going on in my young life at the time. I did fly back, years later, for my mother's funeral. But, when my father died, I didn't go. By then he had remarried & there would have been no one at the funeral I knew.

From my perspective, my suggestion here is to simply offer your condolences, express your concern for your FI's welfare at this difficult time, & ask him how you can best support him. Let him guide you as to how to support him. Beyond that, simply let him know that you're there to provide support in whatever way he needs. Then let it rest. Perhaps look for some little things you can do for him here-&-there just to show you care. But don't hover. Given the family dynamics you describe, there are likely to be a lot of confusing emotions associated with this. It's likely to be awkward. Try not to worry too much about how you're handling things or beat yourself up thinking that you're not up to the challenge. Just take it one step at a time. Your feelings are important here too.

[Trippin2.0]

After my dad died, my best friend was the only one who said any words I found meaningful.


She said "I know nothing I say will make you feel better, but I've been in your shoes and I'm here for you"


I shut down too, not just with death, but I do, so I know how out of place and unsure this must make you feel.


IMO as posted above, ask him directly how he'd like you to support him, its the best option for both of you.

[TishaBuv]

Wow, when it rains, it pours. I am so sorry you and your fiancé have to go through this.

You are a listener and comforter for him in losing his mother.

You have the wedding to deal with. What she did was such a 'get' to go and do that before your wedding-- really selfish to the end. She must have been very mentally ill.

You deserve to be happy and not have this hanging over you when you get married. Plus you have your new family to comfort and grow closer with.

[Bill3]

I am very sorry for this loss. LaDauphine, I also was saddened to learn that you lost a parent to suicide. I'm so sorry.

You can say "I am sorry for your loss." You can say that to your FI. No matter how difficult she was, he has still lost his mother.

Beyond that, you can be a helpful and supportive listener by using "active listening" techniques.

In active listening, you reflect back what was said to you, in a way that shows that you understand what was said and that you accept it without judging it.

I will use some of your statements above for examples.

I'm afraid to SPEAK because I don't think what I Have to say will be supportive.

Active listening response: It sounds like you are afraid that you might make things worse.

The reason for my post is because I don't know how how to support my FI. I'm a special kind of useless when it comes to death.

You feel really lost and at sea right now.

I just didn't see the point in missing a day of work for this. Why would I want to sit and bask in all of that sadness?

Sitting with the others feels useless and unproductive right now.

How to people want to be consoled in these situations? Does he want me to baby him? I could try to do that. Does he want me to give him space? I'd much rather do that. What do I DO?

You really want to do the right thing, but you don't know what it is.

Notice that in my active listening responses I never judged you and I did not tell you what to do or offer you advice. I simple tried to be there for you in the specific sense of making you realize and feel that you are not alone: You can see that someone understands what you are saying and accepts it without judging you.

[LaDauphine]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Wow, when it rains, it pours. I am so sorry you and your fiancé have to go through this.

You are a listener and comforter for him in losing his mother.

You have the wedding to deal with. What she did was such a 'get' to go and do that before your wedding-- really selfish to the end. She must have been very mentally ill.

You deserve to be happy and not have this hanging over you when you get married. Plus you have your new family to comfort and grow closer with.

Thank you SO much for this! I've been feeling like such a monster for thinking that she's selfish when she's dead. Then I get angry for being angry with myself because I'm allowed to feel how I feel, you know? I'm just so angry with her. She ruined everything. She did so in life and even in death she's still ruining things. Before she did it she ordered a special bread for her daughter's baby shower which is in a few weeks and everyone thinks that was so sweet. All I can think is how selfish! This baby shower isn't about HER. Now all anyone will think about after the bread arrives is HER. She was always the type that had to make everything about her so when her family finally turned their backs on her she opted out. Once she was deprived of the attention she had to do the ultimate thing to get said attention.

My FI has shut me out. He's been on FB 24/7 talking to God knows whom seeking attention and comfort from God knows whom. It's frustrating. I geneuinly don't know if I want to get married now. It's like she's going to ruin the last 60 days we have.

The worst part, though is I never got to know her when she was at her best. I acknowledge this. I never got to meet the hard working mother taking care of 3 kids while her husband was away working. I got to know the fat, burn out who just wanted to sit at home and feel sorry for herself rather than seize everything she had access to and make a life for herself. I just wish I had more pleasant memories to hold on to. Or I wish people would share them with me. I don't want to dislike this woman, but the woman I met 3 years ago has been nothing but toxic.

[divine1966]

Sorry for what your fiancée has to go through. My mother is battling cancer and my fiancée lost his to cancer. I don't think we are ever ready to lose our mothers. Are you in therapy? If not it might be something to consider.

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[Bill3]

It sounds like you have a lot of anger and dislike if not actual hate towards her right now. I wonder if these negative emotions have a connection to the fact that your FI is shutting you out.

It seems to me that right now you have a choice. You can remain angry at her and thereby allow her in death to (continue to) disrupt/destroy your upcoming marriage. Or you can get help to let go of the anger and dislike and allow yourself to connect with your FI and his family in their grief.

I agree with divine that therapy would be a valuable idea right now to begin or expand.

[KarenSue]

Originally Posted by LaDauphine

My FI has shut me out. He's been on FB 24/7 talking to God knows whom seeking attention and comfort from God knows whom. It's frustrating. I geneuinly don't know if I want to get married now. It's like she's going to ruin the last 60 days we have.

Hi LaDauphine, sorry for the situation you are in.

I believe your FI is likely seeking support from people who knew he and his mom before she became like she was. I think that is natural and I would not worry about thinking he is shutting you out intentionally. Also, he has people to notify, so time on FB does not seem excessive to me since it has been so recent.

Originally Posted by LaDauphine

I just wish I had more pleasant memories to hold on to. Or I wish people would share them with me. I don't want to dislike this woman, but the woman I met 3 years ago has been nothing but toxic.

She is gone now, and you no longer have to think about how toxic she was nor like or dislike her. Maybe, at gatherings of the grieving, you will get the chance to hear some positive recollections people have.

I can't add much to the advice members have shared, but I do have one thought. How about showing physical affection, not verbal. Hug him, kiss him, let him lay his head in your lap or on your shoulder and just hold him tight.

You mentioned not knowing what to text to your FI. How about "Thinking of you" or "Hugs"?

If you two love each other, you will get married even though it may be delayed.

Hoping all works itself out over time. I found it particularly confusing and difficult when my abuser died. Your FI is likely very confused also with all he must be feeling, good memories mixed with the bad.

Hoping the future will be brighter soon.

[LaDauphine]

Thanks for your responses so far everyone. I haven't had anyone to talk to so this feels good!

I've decided to try my very damn best to not hate her. I just want to erase the woman I knew and replace her with the one that they knew. I don't want to lie to myself or anything about who she was in the time that I did know her, but that was only 3 years of her life! Lord knows I wasn't at my best for an accumulative 3 years. Up until recently, her family adored her. She was at one point (and for the majority of her life) a lovable woman.

My problem now is that I'm not sure I want to get married. I'm not sure if I want to be with someone when I think (thought?) so lowly of their mother. My FI isn't very perceptive. He won't be able to understand that the person they all grew to hate is the only one I ever met. I won't get any slack or understanding for my feelings.

My other problem is I won't forgive her for ruining my upcoming wedding. As a result of her actions the entire mood will be off and because my FI will be taking time off work we won't have enough money to pay for the final touches when up until Tuesday we were in a fantastic spot. Her actions leading up to the wedding were actually why my FI decided he would cut her out after. She was ruining the whole thing. The saddest part is I won't even be able to tell him why. He'll think I'm selfish. Inconsiderate. She's dead and I'm upset about changes to our wedding. He won't see his pain from her death on par with mine and our disappointing wedding. They won't be equal to him and I want to be understood for feeling how I feel, not condemned for it. He always told me that we'll be marrying to create our own family and their lives are separate from theirs, but I can't see the last 45 days before we say "I do" being happy and no bride should have to suffer like that.

I've contacted vendors and am trying to see if it can be put off. If it can maybe things will work out, but I have a feeling her actions and our feelings are just something we can't overcome. Not to mention the WORST time we've ever had as a couple was when he wasn't working so if he takes off too much time it'll be a complete repeat and I don't want to go through that again. Working is his identity. It's how he feels useful and valued. If he stops he'll fall apart.

I'm trying to figure out how your fiancees family tragedy has become all about you right now. I don't mean to be rude, but this just happened and you are immediately using it as a reason to call off your wedding. Look, if you don't want to get married, fine, but blame that on yourself. Own your decision and don't blame it on a dead woman or your future husband's grief. This JUST happened and you are either having a knee-jerk reaction or using it as an excuse to get out of a marriage you don't want in the first place.

Whether a parental relationship was good or bed, the death of a parent has an impact on the surviving children. Allow your spouse to grieve. You don't have to do anything but be there. Let him know you feel badly that he's hurting and to let you know what you can do for him during this time. That is what you do during this time. You give him the time and space to grieve and you stay present and ready to aid and support when it is needed.

Slow down and realize the family needs to go through the funeral, etc. in the next week. Make no decisions regarding your wedding. This isn't the right time and it would be hugely unfair to put your fiancee into that position right now. After the funeral, if you feel a postponement is financially needed, make that decision together at that point. If you decide you don't want to get married, talk about that down the road; this is not the time or place. Put your future husband's needs ahead of your own right now. The rest can wait a few weeks until things are calmer.

[divine1966]

Last time you posted about your upcoming wedding several of us recommended you postpone it and seek couple therapy and more so individual therapy. The reason was your low opinion of your fiancée, you pretty much referred to him as useless and didn't appear to have any respect for him and overall you just didn't sound happy.

I don't know if you entered therapy but my suggestion still stands. I am not sure why you are marrying him but it doesn't sound like you have any good reason for it. I am not saying you need to break it off but certainly postpone it. It's better to lose money than enter miserable marriage. Please allow your fiancée to grieve death of his mother regardless how you feel about him and her.

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Dauphine, you were having marital doubts before the death of your fiancés mother from what you posted in another forum? Has the recent death given you more doubts about getting married? You have a lot on your plate right now. Therapy could help you process all this and help you. Take care and hang in there.

[Bill3]

Thanks for your responses so far everyone. I haven't had anyone to talk to so this feels good!

It can feel even better to speak in person to a therapist. Seeing a therapist before making any major decisions would be well worth doing.

There are ways to show a great deal of support to both your fiance and those others involved. I tend to become a 'doer' during periods of loss and questioning. I'm the person ensuring everyone gets fed or gets a break, things get done - like even feeding and walking pets. When people are in grief - and in this case stunned - they often forget to do the little things. Perhaps there are little things you might be able to do behind the scene to give people a bit of relief. You are also definitely showing you care.

[LaDauphine]

Hi everyone!
Yes, I've definitely been having marital doubts. Most of them concerned his family and how they taught him (or didn't teach him) to take control of things. My fiance isn't a problem solver. I feel like I'm the one left to make every decision. I guess I'm just worried he won't be able to step up to the plate when things get tough in our life. No one in his family seems to be able to do this. They just hide and are passive aggressive and don't communicate. Then I see how he's handling everything (funeral arrangements, etc.) and I think him capable and I second guess what I'm second guessing. Then I respect him and think we'll be safe.

I do hope this is a knee jerk reaction, like a previous poster said. I do have a "Persecution Complex" or whatever and my own mother told me calm down. This JUST happened, but I can't help but panic.

I know it's selfish to think how this will affect my wedding, but it's my wedding and inevitably my FUTURE. It'd be stupid NOT to think about it and I'd rather be selfish than stupid. One of the main reasons we had decided to distance ourselves from his family was how they treated us during the planning process and I refuse to get dumped on again. We were nothing short of neglected for the last year (during planning) because she was causing all sorts of problems within the family. I refuse to let the next 45 days leading up to the most important day of my life be brought down by HER selfishness. Yes, I think her suicide was selfish. Sorry. Not sorry. It's tragic, but her actions affect people. I'm affected. Do I have to kill myself before I get a little sympathy or attention? Do I have to do something as dramatic as postpone a wedding so my fiance realizes the hell I've been through concerning the planning? I'm beginning to think I do. Squeaky wheel gets the oil. I'm done being tough and having everything under control.

Bill3, I WISH I was like you. I'd love to be the doer, but I'm ALWAYS the doer. In situations like this I become the ghost. I don't want to upset anyone. I want to be supportive, but I don't know how. I'm too uncomfortable around everyone at the moment.

I have until July 5th to make a decision as to whether or not I want to postpone it. THat's the time the vendors need to finalize everything for a cancel so wish me luck on the next few weeks!

Thanks everyone who responded. Even the people I don't agree with or don't agree with me. It's so important in life to be challenged. Sometimes, you need people (even wonderful online strangers!) to make up wake up and come back to Earth or confirm you're already there.

Aside: I may look into therapy. I don't have the time right now and I'm not even sure I'd get covered for anything like that. Therapy is expensive!

[KarenSue]

Originally Posted by LaDauphine

Aside: I may look into therapy. I don't have the time right now and I'm not even sure I'd get covered for anything like that. Therapy is expensive!

While waiting for a professional, you may try writing down your feelings and thoughts. You don't have to re-read them, you can burn them. The benefit of writing to one's self, or to another, is that you get to express your feelings in the moment. You will likely feel differently the next day, or the next hour, ya know? But the writing process of having my feelings expressed and recognized was therapeutic for me. I found it has kept me from verbalizing some fleeting, negative things you should never say to someone else, especially to someone you love, as an added bonus.

[Bill3]

I want to be supportive, but I don't know how.

Active listening is supportive (see post #7). It is what I have been trained to do when listening on a telephone hotline.

You can do active listening.

So sorry to hear that! I like what everyone said on here. There are a lot of smart people on this board! You know your fiance better than anyone, so if you feel like he needs space, then give it to him. Just let him know that if he needs to talk or anything like that, then you'll be there for him. Maybe even just do little things for him to show support?

I think it'd also be a good idea to postpone your wedding like a lot of people have already suggested. You're in a very emotional state right now obviously. Not to mention that it's only going to place additional stress on you, your fiance, and maybe his family too. Why not postpone it until everyone is done grieving?

Also, therapy would be a good idea too. Maybe you can even join a support group on meetup.com or something like that if therapy is not affordable for you right now.