[TishaBuv]

Somebody mentioned this on another thread, so I looked it up.

"Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement."

Whoa! My 'traditional' marriage has really just been a codependent relationship!

[divine1966]

Sometimes it's hard to see if it's codependent.

My ex was alcoholic. Otherwise nice man. I was never ok with his drinking and his neglect of his own mental health, I was not enabling in a sense of buying him alcohol or anything like that. But I probably enabled in other ways for example covering up for him or lying to people ( I was too embarrassed) or trying to fight over his drinking . I eventually left.

I felt guilty. Still kind of do because his health deteriorated since, he had very time with me leaving . It's a sad story. So many good memories yet 9 years with alcoholic was no picnic.

You can never fight with addiction as you can never win ( of course unless one takes his recovery very seriously which he never truly did) It was stronger than our relationship and stronger than him himself.

Sorry didn't mean to hijack, I just think codependency is tricky. When support is actually needed and when it becomes enabling...I've learned some differences in al anon but still not completely sure. "Detach with love" to avoid codependency, not always easy

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[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Sometimes it's hard to see if it's codependent.

My ex was alcoholic. Otherwise nice man. I was never ok with his drinking and his neglect of his own mental health, I was not enabling in a sense of buying him alcohol or anything like that. But I probably enabled in other ways for example covering up for him or lying to people ( I was too embarrassed) or trying to fight over his drinking . I eventually left.

I felt guilty. Still kind of do because his health deteriorated since, he had very time with me leaving . It's a sad story. So many good memories yet 9 years with alcoholic was no picnic.

You can never fight with addiction as you can never win ( of course unless one takes his recovery very seriously which he never truly did) It was stronger than our relationship and stronger than him himself.

Sorry didn't mean to hijack, I just think codependency is tricky. When support is actually needed and when it becomes enabling...I've learned some differences in al anon but still not completely sure. "Detach with love" to avoid codependency, not always easy

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That's really heartbreaking about your alcoholic ex.

I probably would have become an alcoholic with him. You had strength not to be and to get out.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

That's really heartbreaking about your alcoholic ex.


I probably would have become an alcoholic with him. You had strength not to be and to get out.

Thanks. Funny thing after living with alcoholic I developed horrible aversion to alcoholic and don't ever touch it.

He was high functioning though. Very successful. That's why it wasn't easy to leave as I had no support as my family was unhappy with me. Pretty much they didn't believe the extend of addiction and couldn't understand why I left such wonderful person. They were very attached to him. I told my brother he could go live with him if he is so great lol lol

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[fairydustgirl]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Thanks. Funny thing after living with alcoholic I developed horrible aversion to alcoholic and don't ever touch it.

He was high functioning though. Very successful. That's why it wasn't easy to leave as I had no support as my family was unhappy with me. Pretty much they didn't believe the extend of addiction and couldn't understand why I left such wonderful person. They were very attached to him. I told my brother he could go live with him if he is so great lol lol

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Divine1966
I had to commiserate on how others looked at your ex husband because I heard the same things about mine. We were married just shy of 30 years. He is a workaholic who eventually neglected and abandoned me, after 5 years of seeing him on Sat and Sun only because he worked out of state I had to finally leave for my own mental health. He is a nice guy and very charming to other people, nice looking and makes great money. BUT everything comes with a price and I could no longer pay the price of my mental health. He was controlling, emotionally abusive and when I was diagnosed with bipolar 10 years ago he was even worse. The last year and a half since I left, I have had no episodes and even my mom says I am happier than she has seen me in years. On the other hand, she will make comments about how he looks real nice for his age and other women would love to have him...I just tell her, 'yeah well they haven't had to live with him'. ugh.

People just don't know what goes on in other people's lives.

[TishaBuv]

I've been scared into staying by the same kind of comments by supposedly well-meaning people.

It's true- the women will be like sharks attacking him in the dating pool.

And I will always feel like a failure who couldn't even just be content.

The thought that now at 50 I may really never have sex again is sad and terrifying.

I really don't ever want to have it with him again, though, anyway. So, if I stay with him and never have sex again, then what good did it do to stay?

[divine1966]

I could live without sex and actually don't need much of it anymore but can not live without affection. I am 50 too, I left my ex at 48 ( mind you we were not married and he isn't a father of my kid), I've met my fiancée at 49 and getting married at 50. Never too late. I am much happier and people comment how good I look as I have no stress anymore. I mean I have other stresses in life but none on a relationship front. You don't need to be unhappy or stressed.

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[TishaBuv]

I always find people for friends. I feel confident that I won't be isolated and lonely. I'd probably be much happier. Frankly, I've had such a horrible experience with sex, maybe I don't ever want to have it again.

Maybe I am so damaged in my attitude about sex anyway. I don't know what is the underlying cause. I got accused a lot of being a tease. I did have the date r episode. Then the promiscuous phase. Then more dysfunctional relationships. Then married the most seemingly great, normal guy who I had the worst intimacy issues with.

[coconutoilandchilll]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I always find people for friends. I feel confident that I won't be isolated and lonely. I'd probably be much happier. Frankly, I've had such a horrible experience with sex, maybe I don't ever want to have it again.

Maybe I am so damaged in my attitude about sex anyway. I don't know what is the underlying cause. I got accused a lot of being a tease. I did have the date r episode. Then the promiscuous phase. Then more dysfunctional relationships. Then married the most seemingly great, normal guy who I had the worst intimacy issues with.

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope with time, therapy, and lots of self love youll find someone who is right for you. Codependency is no joke. Its also like relying on someone else for happiness. I'm still in my twenties and have gotten through a lot of my codependency, but I still struggle just like anyone else does with their problems. "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" is a really good book about boundaries and how men and women need different things in their life. I suggest it to everyone I know who struggles in relationships. After just a couple pages it'll start to change your perspective. Maybe just leave it by the toilet and read a page a day. Good luck to you!!