Am I being unreasonable?

I have been with my boyfriend, the love of my life, for a little over 4 months now. We were best friends for years before we started dating, and we have created a lot of wonderful memories together. We can talk for hours on end, spend days at a time with each other and not get bored.

He used to absolutely adore me, constant compliments, making time for me, indulging in those long conversations. He had had a crush on me for a long time before we got together (and I on him), but we were hesitant to start a relationship because there is a big age difference between us. Finally we realized that it doesn't matter what anyone thinks or if our relationship doesn't look typical. We loved each other and wanted to be together.

But lately I have concerns that he doesn't value me as much anymore. I'm concerned he may have fallen out of love with me. The past week, I have been feeling kind of down. I suffer from bipolar disorder that has been very well controlled for the past year (he knows that I have a mental illness, and he has been there for me in the past when things had been hard). When I told him how I was feeling, and how I was having a hard time motivating myself to do my studying (I'm a med student) and housework, he told me that "all couples have expectations, spoken or unspoken, in their relationship about how they will behave". I took this to mean that I was violating some unspoken expectation of his to always work super hard and not let the darkness affect me. I told him the next day that that attitude had hurt me, and he apologized. He explained that he had a hard time dealing with people who self-pity, as they remind him of his brother. He still didn't give me the emotional nurturing that I needed.

The past three nights, he has cut off our nightly conversation (we call each other every night) after just one hour. Last night, he told me that his phone wasn't charging because the charger wasn't plugged into the wall, and that he was down to 3% battery power left, so we would have to end the conversation. This made me so sad. Can he really value me so little that he can't take 10 seconds to plug his phone back in?! And this at a time when I really need to feel loved.

He visited me a week ago, which was like a dream. It was so nice; I hadn't seen him for 8 weeks, and I felt more in love with him than ever. I don't think that he feels the same, however. He was going to schedule another visit in a month, but now he is reconsidering because it is expensive. I told him that he'd just have to cover his plane ticket, that I would get the hotel and all our meals because I want to see him. I'm hurt though, because he recently came across $50,000 that he wasn't expecting to get. I feel that with all that extra money, he would value me enough to spend a little to come and see me, especially when he knows I'm not feeling well. I would do it for him, no question!

I just don't know. He used to treasure me, now I feel unimportant. I know he loves me, but I feel like he takes me for granted. I don't feel special anymore.

Would you be upset if you were me, or do I have unreasonable expectations? And what should I do? I don't want to hurt him in a confrontation. I just want things to go back to how they were before, when he cherished me so dearly, and loved me as intensely as I love him.

First off, if I came across that kind of money I would make sure it was invested in a place where it can't be touched & continue living off what I was living on before I got it because it's too easy to fritter away the money & really not see any real results. He may be saving it for a serious investment plan he has in the future & doesn't want to use any of it for anything else.....that would be the way I would handle it, so it wouldn't just be money he could use for buying a plane ticket to hop on & see you.

Hard to tell where he's coming from right now.....but honestly, I would just bide my time with him & let him do whatever he wants....observe, & let that be your guide to how he truly feels about you. If he loves you, he will make a way to get to see you....if not, then that's your indication that he doesn't have the same feelings about you as you have about him & that's just the way relationships go sometimes no matter what was felt in the past.

You can't make things go back the way they were if that's NOT how the other person feels any longer no matter how bad you want it to be that way.

Focus on your med school & make a success out of yourself. If he wants to be part of your life he will make it happen, otherwise someone else will come along that fits into your med school life or career life better. Sometimes when we try to make the old fit into a new lifestyle, it just doesn't work.

I would just back off & see what happens personally.

Well after only 4 months you can't know if he is love of your life or not. An hour on the phone is more than plenty and him finishing a conversation after an hour is perfectly ok in my opinion. If he falls out of love that quick then maybe it's not meant to be. Is your relationship long distance? He might be realizing it's too hard.

It's hard to tell what's happening, can you ask him what changed?

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Sorry you are going thru this. idk what the reason or answer is maybe it's just a phase maybe something unrelated and he is just not comfortable talking about his feelings..maybe he is losing interest. idk could be anything. But I do know that it hurts when you feel someone pulling away or putting up defenses and it hurts when you feel your needs are not being met. but you can not control others behaviours, you can convey your own feelings, best if done in calm short manner, and also let them know what you is nessecary for you in a relationship and what you would like but are willing to compromise on...then ask what they think. You may or may not get the response you want but is the response you get something you can deal/work with? From there you can only decide what you are willing to do with what you are given...but if it is making you feel like bad...best to just walk away for time being. If he wants to continue the relationship then give it time and space, turn ur focus,elsewhere..see if he comes around sincerely. If not well...not everything is met to be and focus on other areas of ur life and eventually you will find happiness elsewhere. No one can say any absolute for you except you. And no one can tell you it's gonna be OK and you'll be fine, except whatever you decide to be OK and fine. Hope either way, you find some happiness and start to feel better

How about broadening your support system? Come visit us at the bipolar forum if you haven't already. We are there 24/7.

I don't know what your conversations mainly consist of, but he maybe frustrated that he cannot "fix" any problems that you are going through. His frustration may be exacerbated by lengthy phone conversations even if venting helps you. My partner has bipolar disorder and I do, too. We can wear each other down if we aren't mindful. I imagine it's more challenging in your relationship because he can't truly relate to what you are going through in managing your illness, nor can he fix it. Plus, you are long distance so he can't give you a hug.

I may be off base here but I wanted to post it in case it helps. Hugs to you. xo

Thanks for the responses, everyone.

I feel much better about my relationship now. He was really sweet last night on the phone, and seemed to be proud that I was engaging in a lot of self-care behaviors in the face of my depressive symptoms. I know he still loves me and is still in love with me. This sensation of him pulling away is only about a week old and corresponds to the beginning of my depressive feelings.

I think I let my mood color my view of him, our relationship, and my life in general. He's a really great guy, and he loves me. He just doesn't want me to wallow in a puddle of self-pity when I'm depressed, because it doesn't make me feel better.

I've been kind of paranoid lately, looking at a lot of people in my life and wondering if they don't really like me, or if they are intentionally trying to hurt me. It's the darn mood disorder. And I had this thing under such good control. *sigh* I will recover from this minor dip in mood quickly.

I feel guilty that I let my out-of-control mood taint my view of my beloved.

One thing I learned from this is that I need to expand my life so that I have other friends and other things to make me happy than just my relationship.

That is HUGE for you to realize because it is so important. When we depend on only one person to make us happy, that puts a LOT of pressure on them that they don't deserve to have placed on them. Good job of realizing this

I’m glad you were able to talk through some things with your boyfriend, that’s always good.

I have a few words of advice/caution. I once dated someone older who I thought I would spend my life with. He was charming, engaging, interesting, and oh were we passionate for one another. In hind sight, I mistook passion for love. When that passion faded away, it was clear that our relationship had no foundation. But there was something else also getting in the way. The age difference prevented us from ever being at the same point in life. Initially, he agreed to my life’s goals and wanted to be a part, but it came down to him saying yes only because in the throes of passion, he thought he could commit, but the reality is that he didn’t want to live the life I was living. In my case and in others’ cases who I know, relationships with age differences are very difficult for so many reasons.

The beginning of a relationship will always be intense, so when things settle down, you need to have a realistic expectation of the relationship. Life will start to balance between relationship, career, individuality, friends, family, and the such once the relationship falls into the comfort zone. Excitement just wears away in relationships and both of your lives will be less focused on giving each other constant attention. It’s not to say the he doesn’t love you any less, it’s just the natural evolution of relationships.

There are two things you said I’d just like to comment on (constructively, of course). First, you said that he is not doing things that you would do. The thing is that his actions are just that: his own actions. We can never expect people to act in a manner we would act, just the same way that you cannot act in a manner other people would act. If his actions, or lack of actions, are negatively affecting you, then maybe you’re not as compatible as you originally thought. This may have just been a onetime thing between you two, but if you find that you wish he would act differently, then it’s definitely time to reconsider because people change for no one but themselves. Second, you mentioned his money. Money can be a very sensitive topic, especially when you try to tell others how they should spend their money. Whether he knew about this money or not, it doesn’t change that it is his and he can spend it/save it/invest it/etc. however he wishes.

Relationships can be a tricky thing, I’ve had my share of them. If there is one thing I would go back in my life and change is that I would walk away sooner from some relationships rather than fight a losing battle to keep a spark alive that didn’t exist. I wish I would have had more respect for myself than to put so much effort into something that proved more negative than positive in my life. I’m happy to hear that things are looking up, but remember that you come first in your life, and if this guy is not fulfilling your needs and find that you’re fighting/questioning the relationship, then maybe it’s time to let go so that you can be happy. Good luck with everything!!