HELP... Why would I cheat on my partner of 7 years

have been with my partner for 7 years this year and we have two wonderful children, one age 5 and one almost 1.

I went away with some girlfriends and my sister in law a couple of months ago and long story short I cheated on him. This is bad enough but I did it a few doors down from my partners sister who says she could also hear us.

I just cant understand why I would allow this to happen. There is a long story to how this came about but long story short as mentioned it was the second night of the trip away. We went to Spain where I use to live and on the 2nd night out I lost the girls in a pub. I looked for them and couldn't find them and on the way back to the hotel with one of the guys staying there we went on the beach and in the sea. It was stupid and being drunk i didn't look at the situation that i didn't know him and anything could have happened. Nothing had happened with him on the beach we were just talking about me living there and that I use to go there with a best friend who past a few years ago.

After the beach we went back to the hotel and I went straight to my room, I was greeted by my sister in law who was very angry as I had lost them and she didn't know where I had been. I did and do understand why she was mad but the situation escalated quickly and after a hostile argument which became very personal after being accused of cheating with this guy on the beach, i decided to pack and leave the room. I wasn't sure where I was going but I knew I needed to leave.

When i left the room, the guy was only a few doors down and he opened the door to check i was OK as he could hear us arguing. I asked if I could stay there until it calmed down in the morning. I had been crying and ranting in his room for a while and regrettably after he comforted me to calm me down we did then end up sleeping together.

I just cannot understand why I would do this??!! Although things were not 100% perfect at home things were not bad, I love my partner and was happy.

The next day I eventually got my belongings out the safe as I had had my things locked away so I could not leave. I booked a flight home and came home a day early. I did call him before getting to the airport too to tell him what had happened and I would have always told him when i got home but I did not want him to find out from someone else.

Since then, we have tried to make it work but it is very difficult as it would be. His family and our close friends from that circle have explained they will never speak to me again from what happened which is making is harder for us. I do understand why his sister is mad and disgusted as I am with my self and would be had it been my in law.

It is harder as his family and 'friends' have also ensured that everyone we know knows, this making it extremely difficult. He is being invited places without me, the kids are invited but it is so apparent i am not being spoken to which I am finding hard. I know this is my mistake but I feel if this was my 'friend' I would not not speak to them because of a bad mistake they made. (not sure if i am allowed to think like that given the circumstances)

I know this is going to be a long process but I just wish I knew why I would have allowed this to happen even being as drunk as I was.

I love my partner so much but not we are broken and I do not have a reason as to why I allowed it to happen. I've broken friendships and a family and although I don't feel they have helped with telling everyone, it still shouldn't have happened.

Any advise on how I can get to an understanding on why I did this and any advise to help me restore this would be really appreciated!!

PLEASE HELP I AM SO CONFUSED!!!!

I wish I could give you reasons for your doing this, but I honestly cannot. I think it is key for you to figure out what it is that would allow you to be unfaithful even for a night.

You're allowed to think any way you like but be careful about judging how they handle how they deal with your infidelity, each person is different and keep in mind this is the risk you took when you did what you did. Thing is when you question how they are not talking to them it almost sounds as if you should be given a pass for some reason.

Aside from friends, if you are sincere about all you said, and it does sound like it or you wouldn't be here admitting your guilt in this and asking for advice. dw right now about friends, worry about your relationship, your SO and regaining his trust. You chose this path and no one can do anything to get you back on track but yourself. Thing is, keep whatever he is feeling, you cannot change it directly, if he is feeling betrayed and not trusting you, the only thing you can do is prove yourself once again to him.

You need to go over and above what you would normally do to show him you are transparent and honest with him now. it's going to take overt transparency. don't do things that can even be perceived as hiding anything and if asked for proof, do not be indignant or stubborn but be open and willing to prove yourself time and again, that's what it's going to take. If you really truly love this person you will understand what I'm saying. It's going to be long and hard but if he's worth it, I hope you're willing to go for the long haul

You're going through a very difficult time - welcome to the PC forums. We are here to support you.

Of course, I can't tell you why you cheated, but it sounds like alcohol was definitely a factor and simply you made a choice you wouldn't have made under normal circumstances.

It's good that you were honest with your partner and that the relationship isn't broken. This is about the two of you...that is priority. Anything that can be done to have all the intrusive outsiders butt out while you repair your relationship is important, I think. It sounds like they are fueling into the drama. No drama is helpful here.

What steps are you taking with your partner to reestablish trust? Couples counseling may help. Good luck.

Hi Butterfly1991

I am sure you will find Psych Central to be a very welcoming community... offering breathing space, extra support and many good listeners ...we're a pretty good bunch.

I have been an active member of this site for over 2 years. In that time I have received some really constructive feedback and connected with several others with similar challenges to myself. For those that feel alone, or simply wanting to reach out for a chat without judgement......this is the place. I have also found hanging out in the Games Forums to be a welcome distraction... a great way to have some well needed fun, and meet like minded others. New members also benifit greatly from perusing the many forums available here …...lots to explore. Also after 5 posts new members have the option to join the chat room discussions or private chat with other members.

Should you have any questions on navigating this site, please don't hesitate to private message me or any of the other Community Liaisons who will be more than happy to help. Just click on the screen name above my avatar.

Be kind to yourself Butterfly1991, and welcome to P.C

Hi there
You are in a bad place with all this, and family and friends reactions are not helping. I, too, think alcohol played a big part, as well as the heightened emotions after the argument with your sister in law. We all do things we regret, things we are ashamed of. I think this is between you and your partner. Nothing else matters at this point. Couples can and do recover from infidelity. Concentrate on the two of you first, then you can face the rest.
Sometimes we just don't know why we do things. We aren't always rational, and don't always understand the complex workings of our own minds.
The people we hurt want a reason, they want to understand it, because this helps them cope, and recover. If they know why, they can make a judgement about whether they think it will happen again.
Do you think couple's counselling would help?
Hugs

Would you consider going over the whole situation--before that night, during that night, and after that night--with a therapist?

In addition to what Ceridwen18 pointed out about heightened emotions, I wonder what role the speaking of your best friend who passed a few years ago played in stoking the intensity of your emotions.

As for reasons for doing it, I don't think there are "reasons" for doing it. I think that the events leading up to the situation made you highly vulnerable. Specifically:

--being drunk
--separation from girlfriends
--emotional time on beach alone with guy, including discussion of late best friend
--screaming argument with sister-in-law
--leaving the room
--choosing to go to the guy's room rather than a girlfriend's room
--finding calming comfort from the guy

None of the above is a reason or excuse for cheating but in my mind these events all compromised your judgment such that you did not think or resist temptation as you normally would. So I think that there would be value in going over each of these events with a therapist in order to understand what was going through your mind and why you acted as you did at each of these steps.

For example:

In looking at this statement, I see you being hard on yourself for being stupid, but not for being drunk. My thought would be to look at the whole situation from the very start, including the decisions that led up to you being drunk and separated from the others.

You show remorse.
And you confessed.
And you were upfront and honest with your partner immediately.

Not many in your shoes would do that so I admire how you're handling things.

Ironic.

Since my ex of 19 years found a mistress.

Difference ?

He saw her for months and I knew nothing.

This sounds so stressful but you're going to be okay. I realize it all is so complicated because extended family became involved and everyone is talking and possibly fueling anger.

Try to keep it as simple as possible. How you next proceed in your relationship is between YOU and YOUR PARTNER and it's important to explore everything that happened with just him and a therapist. I realize everyone "feels" like they're deeply involved but what happens next is not up to anyone else but you two.

At some point, you and your partner can address this with everyone who was impacted, (like his sister, etc) and let them know you're working through this and need their positive support - for the sake of the kids! It sounds like you've already been accountable for your actions but it would help to acknowledge their feelings, how uncomfortable and sad it made them to witness this and most of all state your intentions if you decide to be committed to rebuilding trust. Your partner will need to "call off the dogs" if you both are committed to moving forward.

Take care and don't beat yourself up. When we are open to doing these types of things, we are trying to kill pain, trying to fill a void, and, as Bill said, there are certain things that make us more vulnerable to acting out. Explore all of it and be honest with yourself. You can do it!