[black-roses]

I have to tell you the only person I am pissed off is myself unless there is anyone pushing me to do **** no matter how much I want it I don't have enough self motivation and will to do it on my own. Even things like volunteer work I set my alarm for 6:00 am felt to tired to get up so I was like screw it I will go back to sleep. It was 12am in the afternoon when I next woke up my family had plans to go to the shops and I needed to take a shower they said they'd wait for me whilst I took a shower and they left. I don't even know what time the volunteer work starts I only have motivation if it is someone yelling at me on my own I don't see anything in my immediate world that is worth it. I am a nihilist I see nothing worthy in this world existence is subjective in my eyes and I have rose coloured lenses that only lets in certain colours. To me even if I went to volunteer work I don't really feel anything would change I'd feel like I'd be working for nothing for others to see someone else more talented. That's how I feel about my entire life my home life, my friendship life I just don't see how I'd be better or even worth being seen for a while. I'd feel like I'd be that passive girl in the volunteer work with a fake smile trying to usher people. People can see through that and I kinda hate how I feel. I hate that I have thought myself to feel and act this way. That I am talking about improving myself and then doing something else. I am late I have to walk to my fathers house so he can take me. I am disappointed that I am not more truthful with myself about how I feel about changing. I know I have to be more truthful with myself if I am going to line up my feelings with my actions and behaviours. This denial and self defeating behaviour cannot continue I have to remove it from where the roots are.

Great post. *hugs*

I know your post is more than about volunteer work, but how about doing volunteer work that is more meaningful to you? I like to think when we close a door, a new one opens.

[ptangptang]

Do you exercise? I know all about lack of motivation. The last month or so though I've started using my cross trainer again, mainly to lose some weight and get a bit fitter but also it does make you feel better about yourself for quite awhile after you stop. Also if you do it regularly you kind of feel guilty if you don't do it. Not that anybody else cares of course. Use it in front of the TV if you can.
I've stopped a few voluntary jobs for various reasons and yeah you can get the impression you're not really valued. I should have gone today but I'm not really needed and I've decided to use my time for things 'I' want to do. It's OK to say 'screw other people' sometimes.