[socialanx96]

Hello everyone,

I'm very confused at this point in my life.
I've been in college for a year, and fortunately my school is allowing me to take a gap year now (which is the right thing to do for several reasons), so I'm currently at home, but there are things that make it a very hard decision to go back. There is really only one thing holding me back: my grandmother.
It's not like she asked me to stay. But I already had to leave her last year, which wasn't too hard because I didn't realize what it would mean for her. Now it feels harder, because I know it's more complicated than I thought.
She's a widow, and has three children. I've always lived with her and my mom (my dad is not in the picture). Her two sons have their own families, but are very close to her--they see each other weekly, but she calls them and her other grandchildren every day.
She felt alone and a little depressed during the time I was away because I was the person who spent most time with her. She's old, and feels useless. She can't leave the house alone. My mom works most of the day, and then comes home, but spends the weekends with her boyfriend. My uncles can also only spend a very limited amount of time with her.
And now my mom is saying that when I go back to college, she's going to move in with her boyfriend and so my grandmother would have to live on her own, live in a nursing home or move in with one my uncles.
My mom's boyfriend is a bad person, who's done a lot of harm to us, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be ok with living with my grandmother anyway. My mom has suggested that she moves in with them--but I'm pretty sure it's going to be a disaster. But she's not going to give up on living with her boyfriend to stay with my grandma. And that's fine, I accept that. But it makes things harder for my grandmother. She's going to feel even lonelier this time.
My school is across the country from my home. I love it there, and there are many more opportunities for me. I also like the fact that I'm "escaping" issues at home, such as my mom's destructive relationship, and my homophobic, ultra-religious small town and family that make me feel like a freak (I'm gay). I'm still in the closet here, and it feels horrible. I'd like to go and never look back, but I also feel bad about leaving my grandma. Even if I do visit as often as I can (every couple of months or so), it's still not going to make up for the fact that she's alone. I called her very often and visit every chance I get (which isn't enough, maybe once every couple of months and the holidays), but it's obviously not the same. She's always been there for me. I want to be there for her.

I don't want to regret not having spent my grandma's last years/months with her, and feel like I left her alone. I also don't want to give up on my dreams.

Please give some advice. What do you think I should do? What should I be considering when making a decision?

Thank you.

[Yoda]

I was very close to my paternal grandmother and cherish the time I lived with her. Clearly you care a great deal about her.

When you at college can you call her regularly to chat?

Since your mom will be moving out is there a retirement home your grandmother might like? Not a nursing home but an independent living facility that hosts activities for their residents?

Would you consider asking her to move with you to where you study and share living accomodation? I had a friend who was a mature student, doing nursing, and she moved but took her mother with her. I'd do it too, if I had my time again. Best of both worlds.