[socialanx96]

Hi everyone!
My mom has been in an abusive relationship for 7+ years now. It's been hell at times. I live alone with her and my grandmother. Dad is not in the picture. She stays with her boyfriend during the weekends and sometimes meets him during the week. I'm an only child and the rest of my family (uncles/aunts/cousins) kind of distances itself from the situation, so I feel really alone in this with my grandma. We've both have suffered a lot because we see how she is mistreated by him, and at times we've also been mistreated by him. And by her when we suggest she should leave him.
My mom really handled the situation horribly, always. When she was jealous of him or mad that he'd been drinking, she would take me with her and scream at him and his friends from the car. I remember once his son (which he had with his ex wife) threw a can of beer at us and made our faces bleed because my mom was calling them drunks. Her boyfriend proceeded to call her a ***** and a *****.
They got back together a couple of days later--she confessed to me that after the incident all she wanted was for him to call her and apologise and tell her to get back together.
So I'm really hurt. I hated her and sometimes hate her. And sometimes I tell her that, but I know that probably only makes things worse.
While that was definitely the worst scene, there were too many "lesser" incidents.
All that happened about 2 years ago, and I've made it clear to her I won't tolerate having any sort of contact w/ the guy. I've been through enough. I was underage at the time. I'm 19 now but still living at home. I was in college last year, but I still found out while I was there of things that happened bc of him at my house. He once went to my home and made a scene so bad that neighbours called the police. So even when I'm away, it haunts me.
And I can't help but hate her too sometimes. I remember 2 christmas ago I refused to spend the night with him at our house, and so he sent me offensive messages calling me a "little ****". My mom blamed it on me, saying he wouldn't have done that had I just let him spend the night with us. We previously spent holidays with him and every time he would offend us and just bring us down. Of course, my delusional mother wouldn't see it like that.
He knows how to manipulate her and make her feel she needs him. While she's more "successful" when it comes to money than him, he finds little ways to control her. Even when she doesn't, he makes her feel like she needs her. And she knows that. She just doesn't care. He doesn't hit her, but does call her fat. And curses her. And us.
My mom's brothers are very close to my grandmother (who is their mom too). We've always been close. I once sent them a message telling them I was broken and that I was tired of what was going on because of this man. They gave her a little advice and disapproval but never really did anything that helped.
Anyway, I'm taking a gap year now. I had a bad year at college for some unrelated reasons and a gap year is the best I can do right now. But even when I was far away from home these problems haunted me. I was constantly worried about my grandma, and that she had to go through all of it alone. In fact, that's one of the reasons for which I'm staying. Hopefully I'll find somewhere she can stay without having to deal with all of this alone before I go back next year. (It's also because of my social phobia/depression, and just not knowing what to do with my life).
With all that said about my mom and her abusive boyfriend, I also have to admit she's a good mom in some ways. She's always provided and cared about my future. While emotionally she was always very unstable, and not very supportive, she was responsible when it comes to finances and making sure I was (physically) safe. I guess she just didn't know how to handle the rest.

I'm just posting all of this to share what I've been going through and to hear what other people think. How should I handle it? I really try to ignore the issue. But sometimes it really brings me down, like today, she was supposed to go get groceries and food. But her boyfriend called her and demanded that she be at his apt at a certain time, which wouldn't allow her to get the groceries/food. When she told him that, I could hear him yelling at her (through the phone). And it brings all the memories back. It makes me despise her and feel hopeless and sad that I have to stay here again.
I'm grateful to her. She pays for my school. She doesn't beat me. She's not an alcoholic or a drug addict. She did respect the fact that I didn't want to have any contact with that guy whatsoever. But she can't let go of him. And she has this idea in her head that he's changing and he's going to be better. But he's not.

Please help.

[Crazy Hitch]

Wow - what a toxic relationship and you are certainly carrying the effects of this too. A lot of what you've said is simply not on by your mother's bf. And downright illegal too. Throwing beer cans so they make you bleed? Utterly unacceptable. I'm glad the police must have on record some of his incidents when the neighbours called him.

You say you're in school. I'd recommend you speak to a School Counsellor and ask them who they can refer you too. You need support (your mom does too, but I'm replying directly to you in response to your post).

[Skeezyks]

Hello socialanx96: Thank you for sharing this most difficult situation. Personally I would have to say that your mother is an adult. She has the right to make whatever decisions about her life she chooses to make... bad ones as well as good ones. It's really not your responsibility, or even your place, to try to intervene.

If you can, in some way, help your grandmother to find somewhere else to live, that would certainly be great (assuming that is what she wants.) But, beyond that, my personal perspective is that you should get out on your own & get on with your life. You're young & you have a lot of years ahead of you. No good will come from you continuing to try to save your mom from herself. I wish you well...

[SvanThor]

I think that you should gently sit her down and open your heart to her. Express to her how you feel, and how you know the relationship is making her feel. But remember, you can't really get anything changed unless she really wants it.