[starsignsunshine77]

I just need to vent about my experiences with the "won't take no for an answer" personality type!

I’ve been dealing with this my whole life. Not sure why people continuously think they can dominate my time, and force their needs on me, but it seems never ending! I’ve even had to stop using Facebook, because if friends/family saw a post for an event I went to, they would get all offended that I was at the event, rather than visiting with them.

Distancing myself was a little helpful, but now I’ve ended up having a co-worker friend who does this to me, so there is little hope for distance. She’s the type who expects constant help from others. If it’s lunch time, she’ll request that someone else pick up lunch for her (even though she has a car of her own). Then every Friday she asks someone to borrow money. People have a tough time saying no because she will just whine and press on, if someone doesn’t eventually comply.

Now she keeps trying to get me to hang out with her constantly. I made the mistake of doing this once, thinking it was just a short get-together. It was fun, but now she wants to do this every week. My schedule and life are exceptionally busy, but she just doesn’t care. Everything is about her needs & wants. The most recent dialogue went like this:

Her: You should come over for drinks on Tuesday night.
Me: Thanks for the invite, but I can’t
Her: Why not? What are you doing?
Me: I just can’t, it’ll be busy week for me
Her: Why? What are you doing? Why are you busy?
Me: I just have a lot going on in the next few weeks & won’t have much time for fun
Her: Well what about Friday. What are you doing that night?
Me: I have a relative’s birthday party to go to
Her: Well, you need to see how you can get out of that. I need help picking out my clothes for my date on Saturday.

After the incessant badgering, insisting that she know my exact whereabouts for the week, she then tells me that I need to “get out of the birthday party” so I can help her select clothing?

This was just one example - I could provide hundreds more from various encounters with friends, boyfriends, neighbors and co-workers. Geeze, the other day I even had to deal with my neighbor guilt-tripping and pestering me. I was running late for work, but she wanted me to come over and pet her dog Sammy. She had the nerve to say “oh it won’t matter if you’re a little late to work. If you don’t come say hi to Sammy, he’ll have a bad day!”

Am I just surrounded by neurotics? I simply can’t imagine acting this way toward anybody! If I invite someone out, and they’re busy, I simply say “ok, we can catch up some other time” and move on with the day. I don’t stand there bombarding them with questions, and I don’t act personally offended. Even when I think I’m being direct and to the point, any boundaries I try to relay are blatantly ignored. I’ve researched this to death online, and have tried many different tactics, but nothing works. It’s so frustrating!

[Skeezyks]

Hello starsignsunshine77: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[~Christina]

Learn how to say " no I am sorry I can't do X " and if someone asks again say ... I'm sorry that's rude I already said I am not able to do that. You do not owe any one an explanation .

Set boundaries and don't let anyone barge through them !

Welcome to PC

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Trippin2.0]

I would not even entertain such conversations... And I am certainly not the best at boundaries, mine are a WIP.


But if that were me chatting, I would've just ended the convo, simply stopped chatting.


Some people are definitely boundary bashers, for some reason you tend to attract them, maybe your demeanor is soft and fuzzy? Idk I'm not saying you're the problem, just you're the common denominator and may want to see if there's some vibe you give off or something like that.


Stick to your guns and people will eventually either follow suit or fizzle out.

talk to your supervisor perhaps?

Also, hold your ground. If she pesters for example about what you are doing just tell her it's a personal matter and that your plans are firm

Just keep on saying no, I can't w/o any explanation. If they ask why, just tell them that you'll be busy that day or week with NO explanation of ANY kind! Just say that you'll be busy then. End of story. Then before they can answer, leave or say bye.

Don't make excuses. Say no. Get books on how to say no to people. Keep saying no and do not ever change your mind. Say it firmly and never say I'm not sure, or I'll call or email you later regarding that, or maybe, etc....Just say no and then leave and say bye or hang up the phone.

If they're extra pushy like your neighbor, lie and say that the boss said that he or she will fire you if you show up for work late one more time and then before she can reply, say goodbye and get in your car, close the door and roll up the windows and leave. Lie if you have to.

[leomama]

I took a few years of DBT and found the interpersonal effectiveness module really helpful for things like this. I'm an INFJ who's also a Leo so I'm both sensitive and assertive. Do you think there are any skills you could learn to help you with situations like this?

[Bill3]

Never say what you are doing as a reason that you can't do what they want.

Simply say I'm sorry, I can't.

[shortandcute]

i've always had problems with that, too. I hate saying no people. That stems from things that happened to me in my childhood. I was resented a lot by my older siblings (long story) so I was bullied a lot by them. When ever I tried to stand up for myself, I'd get screamed at be accused of having a bad temper, or argumentative. Then my mom favored my younger brother alot, and anything that he did wrong, I got punished for it. so I either "hid" or walked on eggshells. That kind of stayed with me as I got older

[Marylin]

I grew up trained to seek approval and people please, that meant I couldn't say No to people, you know even years later that part of me that wants to fix things to people won't close down and go away.I often don't realize I am being mugged off until it is too late,people have already lost respect and are becoming abusive towards me because of it.I soon realized that being too willing and able caused people to get violent towards me and to expect whatever they wanted from me ,whether it be time,attention or money, to be available and on offer to them when they wanted.Obviously I came off of this badly,so I am learning to put out strong boundaries now,never make a relationship based on me giving and say NO to people often and only give if they have earned it in some way.My boundaries are hard to keep up cos I was so moulded as a child with a comply and only then reward with love and affection mindset,that it was difficult to see people couldn't respect how little of a self identity,self protection, identity I had going on.Now though that I am aware I am making steps to protect myself and change things.I stopped a gardener working for me because he was invading my boundaries so nipped that in the bud before he was able to unfold his agenda which whatever he wanted was more than just to be my gardener,I saw the danger in the situation and terminated his work.The other was a friend hurt me in my time of trauma with sarcasm.She was not supportive as I would have been with her and she only ever contacted me first if there were free cinema tickets for her,so I decided cos of her manner and tone and inflection when she spoke to me that she didn't respect me so I ended that relationship.Both very big NO's and kept my boundaries and self respect.

Keep saying No Starsignsunshine, the people you are dealing with are manipulative,they are bashing in your boundaries quite deliberately and selfishly so don't feel you have to save their feelings when refusing them.You need to slam that door shut on them so they don't try it on ever again.it is a bloody cheek and you are obviously being hassled.They may have made you give in to them once and so keep on now and others have witnessed and copied them so you now have too many people not taking no for an answer.Erect the barriers and don't let them down for anyone again!

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by starsignsunshine77

I just need to vent about my experiences with the "won't take no for an answer" personality type!

I’ve been dealing with this my whole life. Not sure why people continuously think they can dominate my time, and force their needs on me, but it seems never ending! I’ve even had to stop using Facebook, because if friends/family saw a post for an event I went to, they would get all offended that I was at the event, rather than visiting with them.

Distancing myself was a little helpful, but now I’ve ended up having a co-worker friend who does this to me, so there is little hope for distance. She’s the type who expects constant help from others. If it’s lunch time, she’ll request that someone else pick up lunch for her (even though she has a car of her own). Then every Friday she asks someone to borrow money. People have a tough time saying no because she will just whine and press on, if someone doesn’t eventually comply.

Now she keeps trying to get me to hang out with her constantly. I made the mistake of doing this once, thinking it was just a short get-together. It was fun, but now she wants to do this every week. My schedule and life are exceptionally busy, but she just doesn’t care. Everything is about her needs & wants. The most recent dialogue went like this:

Her: You should come over for drinks on Tuesday night.
Me: Thanks for the invite, but I can’t
Her: Why not? What are you doing?
Me: I just can’t, it’ll be busy week for me
Her: Why? What are you doing? Why are you busy?
Me: I just have a lot going on in the next few weeks & won’t have much time for fun
Her: Well what about Friday. What are you doing that night?
Me: I have a relative’s birthday party to go to
Her: Well, you need to see how you can get out of that. I need help picking out my clothes for my date on Saturday.

After the incessant badgering, insisting that she know my exact whereabouts for the week, she then tells me that I need to “get out of the birthday party” so I can help her select clothing?

This was just one example - I could provide hundreds more from various encounters with friends, boyfriends, neighbors and co-workers. Geeze, the other day I even had to deal with my neighbor guilt-tripping and pestering me. I was running late for work, but she wanted me to come over and pet her dog Sammy. She had the nerve to say “oh it won’t matter if you’re a little late to work. If you don’t come say hi to Sammy, he’ll have a bad day!”

Am I just surrounded by neurotics? I simply can’t imagine acting this way toward anybody! If I invite someone out, and they’re busy, I simply say “ok, we can catch up some other time” and move on with the day. I don’t stand there bombarding them with questions, and I don’t act personally offended. Even when I think I’m being direct and to the point, any boundaries I try to relay are blatantly ignored. I’ve researched this to death online, and have tried many different tactics, but nothing works. It’s so frustrating!

Are you surrounded by neurotics? Well that's rather simplistic but I understand your questioning. Thing is this is what people are like, in a community of any kind, organization and such there will be those types present that give us trouble.

What I've found in life is that we seem to be presented with the same dilemmas until we figure out how to deal with them and make the changes we need to, or learn how to cope with it. You may seem to be surrounded by these types of people simply for the fact that domineering people tend to take advantage of those that comply more easily to their demands.

The answer is really simple but harder to do. Saying no, and remaining firm in your answer is the key but I know that in the face of persistence it's harder to pull off. I know this being one that typically goes along with a lot and bends for people much of the time, but I can say that I've gotten better and have learned that they will back off when they figure out on certain things you will not give in.

Her imposing on you and even telling you that you "need to" get out of that, is complete boundary overstepping. I mean, really she's not your spouse, she's not your parent and it seems not even quite a close friend. That right there should underscore your need to stand very firm with her, even maybe just opting out completely from her invites. Do you really want to hang out with someone that seems not to care for your right to choose? She has no respect for you and seems only to want to be around you because it feeds her need to control and dominate. Don't allow it and I say just keep her as a co worker, not a social companion.

As for imposing on others, if everyone would just say no to her this way her behavior would eventually stop but of course, you can only control yourself, not the others at the office. I just think ideally this would change things.