Upset with my daughter, furious with my ex

I divorced my kids' father years ago. He's done so many things to me and i don't want anything to do with him at this point. He's said hateful things to me, almost never sends money, and has tried to get me in trouble with the authorities when my kids were young. The issue is whenever I try to vent to my twenty year old daughter or explain how I feel about these issues, lately she just gets upset and has this look on her face of not wanting to hear it or doesn't look at me. She lived with her dad till she was fourteen, but lives with me now. We both work fulltime to pay the bills and rent, but it has been a struggle because my health has been poor and my daughters job pays less than 8 dollars an hour and offers less than 40 hours a week most days. I've been putting in alot of hours the past couple weeks so the check I get next week will be good and my daughters been trying to get overtime hours with her job, but its a struggle and we both decided when she gets paid next week she should pay for training to get another job to have a few extra hours of work on the side. Through all this her dad has almost never sent money. My daughter says, "Well, he doesn't have it" or "he's homeless" but even when I was homeless I managed to get my kids fed. He asked her about visiting today. He said he had to come on the bus since apparently he's broke and neither of us have a car and that they'd take a walk together. I told my daughter she can see him but he cant come in MY house that I pay rent and bills for. He cant even come in MY yard. If he hasn't been able to work with me by sending a little money and wants to say hurtful things he's said in arguments, I dont want him in MY yard. I dont want him to know where we live.
I told her they needed to find somewhere to meet up other than my yard unless he has a car to ride in. We'd paid the utilities, so we were broke and she didn't have cab money. She says he doesn't have a car and asks me where they should meet up if he cant come in the yard. I told her you all need to figure that out. At this point she doesn't like hearing that, but doesn't say anything else and goes to her room for the night.
Next morning, things are pretty calm and pleasant as usual, until I try to sit her down and tell her how I feel. I wanted her to understand that she can love her dad, but I dont want him in my yard and she needs to understand how I feel about him, how he's mistreated me and how I need to put my feelings and my emotional safety first. However, she shut down , like always when I try to talk about her dad, not meeting my eyes, showing with her face that she didn't want to talk about this. Everything is mellow until I try to talk about her dad and the issues I've had with him. I told her I feel like she wont let me talk about her dad, doesn't show me understanding and that her love for me is conditional on my not saying things about her dad that she doesn't like. I told her I feel like she doesn't care about my feelings and is not letting me do what I feel will help me emotionally by not letting this man into my yard. She kept saying stuff like, "You dont have to let him in the yard. We'll figure something out and if we can't, I just wont go." We went back and forth for a few minutes, with her saying she's tired of us "talking bad about each other" and saying that I want her to take sides. This made me angry because expressing my feelings is not talking bad about her dad. Talking bad about her dad would be calling him names. I told her maybe she should go live with her dad.
Finally, she said something like, "I give up," and walked off to her room. Later, I took a nap, and woke up to find her gone. She never leaves the house without me, is not supposed to, and she hadn't left me any note saying she was going anywhere. I got scared and texted her asking where she was, then texted her dad to ask if she had gone with him. She texted me back saying she hadn't gone with him, that she felt like since I didn't have a husband I had to be "the man" of the family and she felt guilty, so she was going to go off on her own . . .with no money, on the streets. She also wrote in ger text messages that she felt like she "didn't count." I told her I'm tired of feeling like the bad guy and told her that she can go with her dad when he comes to pick her up. But apparently her dad called her, came to get her and made her come back here with me.
I told her how angry and hurt I was by everything shed done and she just kept stony silent and didn't say anything. Then she went and locked herself in her room. I started to cry, my sobs were fairly loud and I'm sure sbs could hear me, but she never came out to comfort me or say anything to me.

I dont know what I'm supposed to do at this point.

Stop contradicting your daughter. If she says you are talking badly about her father, then you are.

You are acting like she is the mother and you are the daughter. Thats not right.

If I am reading this correctly, you have been divorced for some time, and your daughter has had to hear you and your ex talk about each other ever since then. If so, I understand your daughter not wanting to hear once again about how you feel about her father, (or how her father feels about you, for that matter).

It's unfortunate that you guys are unable to maintain a civil relationship after being divorced, but your daughter should not be the sounding board when you guys want/need to vent your feelings about each other or past issues. She is your daughter, not your therapist.

It's not appropriate for either you or your ex to talk to your daughter about one another. The child (even now as an adult) should not have to hear her parents talk badly about the other. It's just not appropriate or healthy. It's not her job to hear about your feelings or your anger over him. The child needs to be kept out of that. If you don't want her to meet her father in the yard, that's ok-- ask that they meet at a local coffee shop, library, or park. But please stop talking to your daughter about her father; it's unhealthy and inappropriate.

I get that things were / are difficult with your ex but that's your issue, not your daughters. I repeat. YOUR issue, not your daughters.

So ask yourself this question. How is talking badly about her father serving you well? It isn't, is it. It's time to stop. She's told you how she feels and frankly you're hurting her.

I get putting boundaries in, like not having him in your yard. That's more than fair.

But if you're wanting to say anything negative about her father again, ask yourself if it's necessary to tell her.

What was your intention of even telling her in the first place?

So what she can do at this point is:

1. Invite her daughter calmly to have a talk.
2. Promise not to unload on her daughter about her feelings about her ex.
3. Help her daughter come up with a plan for her own future.

Any other ideas?

Keep your daughter out of the adult business. I have a rule in my house that we don't talk badly about my step kids mom and if there is something going on, it's between the adults only.

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As a child of an ugly divorce, I was upset to read your post. I understand that this person has hurt you and you likely have very legitimate reasons for feeling the way that you do. However, the way you talk about this issue is alarming to me. Your daughter loves her father. It is not her job to be there for you to vent your frustrations about him. She clearly already has a very difficult life, helping her mother support the household. Even if this man is part of that problem, she loves him. My estranged mother put me to hell and back, and I would still do anything to see her or make her life just a little easier. I'm sure your daughter is no different, and it's not fair of you to punish her for that love. You are entitled to your feelings, but you are not entitled to impose those feelings on your child. I apologize if this comes off as harsh--but I think it is also for your own well-being to realize what is happening here. You are alienating your child by fostering this disconnect. Being a parent does not mean being on the same "team", or thinking the same thoughts, or aligning against the same enemy. It means supporting your child's best interest. Sometimes you may disagree on what that looks like, but it never--ever--looks like spitefulness or attempting to snuff out love. If you don't find a way to heal this peacefully, by finding a healthy way to vent your frustrations elsewhere and facilitating a healthy relationship your daughter, she isn't going to stick around to let you embitter her. And she shouldn't. Don't try to guilt her with your tears--that emotional manipulation is only going to callous her against you. We should all, as adults, be seeking to teach our children love and tenderness. You can teach her how to be safe without teaching her to hate. And here's the really beautiful part: she can love *you* without having to agree with you. Love, especially parental love, has never been about sharing identical viewpoints or always sharing the same path. It has never been about sharing every frustration and every feeling with each other. It's not even about being friends. It's about nurturing, growth, and being a safe place for one another. You can disagree with her, and even be hurt, and still be that safe place.

I totally understand that you don't want to deal with your ex at all. I understand that he hurt you deeply and that can never be forgotten. But it hurts your daughter to be stuck in the middle between her parents fighting and talking mess about one another. So you have to put your feelings aside. I would suggest that you not tell your daughter your feelings about her father anymore. Sit her down and tell her that you love her very much. Tell her she is important and you need her. Tell her that she matters. Tell her that you are sorry about how things are with you and her father. Tell her that you don't want to hurt her anymore by saying negative things about her father. Tell her that you want her to have a relationship with her father. Tell her you'd rather her make plans with him away from your home so that there's no chance of you and her father fighting. Tell her that it is okay to love you and love her father. Tell her that she doesn't have to ever pick a side. Hug her tightly. Cherish having a wonderful daughter who lives with you and helps you. Always, always do what is in the best interest of your daughter. And if you need someone to talk to about all the hurt you feel over your ex-husband discuss it with a friend or a therapist. Best wishes to you

Because she loves her father, when you attack him you are also, unintentionally, attacking her.

"Explaining my feelings" can be a form of attack. For example, f I say that someone disgusts me--it's an attack.

With all these points made, I wanted to toss out there, that it's possible to have a better today and tomorrow with some adjustments.
It's understandable to be ticked off with him. Left to struggle with no financial nor moral support. And I'm guessing he's said mean things about you to your daughter?
Your financial struggle is a reality and is stressful, no doubt. It's a lot of pent up emotion. Takes a lot of energy. For the sake of your health, it's worth getting all the pain, regret and resentment out of your system. Stress makes us ill, or more ill than we need to be.
He's dead weight. She's not going to grasp the pain that he's caused. Reaching out helps, usually.



"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

Counseling for you. You'll get guidance from there. Take care.

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When my daughters father and I divorced , it wasn't pretty. He cheated. Sure I was really hurt , destroyed for a time,

But I made a choice from day one that no matter what I would never talk shyt about him to my daughter. No matter what happened in our marriage we had a wonderful amazing 6 year old daughter that HER feelings were more important than the nasty stuff her father and I dealt with away from her.

One day my daughter asked me , she was about 9 I guess " why do all my friends that have divorced parents and are always pulled in the middle of crap? And i have never felt that way ....I said so your dad and I didn't stay married .... But that doesn't mean you have to pick sides because it's impossible we both love you no matter what.

I had friends, family and a T to unload my garbage and learn to move on in life.

It's fine to have anger about him and whatever he had done, work on yourself let your daughter go about life and not have to hear a bunch of bullshyt between divorced parents.

I'm not saying anything to be mean or anything.

Learn how to let all that past hurt fall away. take back your life, you deserve happiness too.

Good luck I

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