Living in the same house as your ex

iliketherain · Aug 20, 2016, 01:03 AM

My boyfriend of around 4 years broke up with me exactly one week ago, today, and we are currently living in the same house. I rent from his parents, who are the owners, but said ex has given me permission to stay as long as I want.

I have three major questions about this arrangement, and any help would be so appreciated:

1) I am unsure why I would be able to stay here as long as I want - what if I want to stay forever? (He LITERALLY said we could stay friends and cohabitate forever.)

2) I am unsure if he plans on getting back together with me, otherwise I don't really understand why he said the above (#1). He keeps saying that I need to figure out what makes me happy and it obviously is not him, although maybe one day it "could be."

3) Is it a really bad idea to be living together after breaking up? I am fairly codependent and terrified of being by myself (i.e. serial long-term relationship jumper), so I am of course inclined to stay (i.e. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE HIM EVER). On the plus side, we are friends (and started out as such), but I keep getting abruptly emotional and upset. I feel like every single moment is a realization that I am with him but also not.

I should also note that I've been a pretty terrible girlfriend at times for the past year or so.

Thank you for any help you can provide!

- iltr

Trippin2.0 · Aug 20, 2016, 01:29 AM

The only time I've seen cohabitation post relationship work is between people who have been married a very long time, mutually decided they are better off as friends and have no interest in dating or remarrying.

I've seen that twice, both couples were well over 50.

What you guys are doing smells of disaster.

What will you do when he starts dating?

avlady · Aug 20, 2016, 03:58 AM

what would you do if you came home another date came other?i know if it happened to me i'd be pretty dog gone hurt.it is up to them if they can deal with the pain.

Crazy Hitch · Aug 20, 2016, 05:07 AM

Seems as if indirectly he could be keeping a window of small opportunity open for you two.

Bill3 · Aug 20, 2016, 07:38 AM

Quote:

He keeps saying that I need to figure out what makes me happy and it obviously is not him, although maybe one day it "could be."

Quote:

i should also note that I've been a pretty terrible girlfriend at times for the past year or so.

What do you actually want with regards to him?

If you want to be with him, what do you suppose brought you to be a "pretty terrible girlfriend" at times for the past year?

divine1966 · Aug 20, 2016, 08:06 AM

I stayed in my ex's house for a month and a half because it was very difficult to find a place to move to. Then he had health problem and I had to stick around trying to help. He was happy because he hoped I change my mind and stay. Long story. Living with exes while looking for a place or in sickness is a necessity but staying forever is a disaster waiting to happen

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Wild Coyote · Aug 20, 2016, 09:18 AM

Sounds like you both are still working out the details and that reconciliation may be a possibility?

WC

jimmy rich · Aug 20, 2016, 01:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iliketherain

1) what if I want to stay forever?

OK, stay forever.

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2) I am unsure if he plans on getting back together with me, otherwise I don't really understand why he said the above (#1).

What are your plans?

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He keeps saying that I need to figure out what makes me happy and it obviously is not him, although maybe one day it "could be."

I'd figure out what I want and need and then go from there.

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3) Is it a really bad idea to be living together after breaking up?

I sure wouldn't do it!

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I am fairly codependent and terrified of being by myself (i.e. serial long-term relationship jumper), so I am of course inclined to stay (i.e. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE HIM EVER).

IMO, Codependency is your major issue and I'd look for help on overcoming that.

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On the plus side, we are friends (and started out as such), but I keep getting abruptly emotional and upset.

Why? What upsets you? I'd figure that out. I'd to to some Codependent meetings or groups to find answers.

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I feel like every single moment is a realization that I am with him but also not.

Which makes you feel..............? I'd feel very angry about that.

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I should also note that I've been a pretty terrible girlfriend at times for the past year or so.

So what? Does being a terrible girlfriend eliminate you from having what you want and doing/being what you want. Do you need to be PUNISHED for being terrible?

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Thank you for any help you can provide!

- iltr

I'd study up on Codependency and figure out how to FIX IT.

healingme4me · Aug 20, 2016, 04:13 PM

If you are paying rent to his parents, why is it for him to say how long you may stay?

Is the living situation accommodating to your need for privacy?

"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

ComfortablyNumb5 · Aug 20, 2016, 09:26 PM

I too am codependent so I know how hard this must be for you. My guess is he doesn't want you to leave at all or wants a friend with benefits at hand. You need to figure that out. But if you guys are done for good I'd get out now

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iliketherain · Aug 21, 2016, 10:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

What will you do when he starts dating?

We discussed this, and as of now, neither of us plan on dating anyone else. I hope this means there is still a chance of reconciliation.

iliketherain · Aug 21, 2016, 10:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

What do you actually want with regards to him?

If you want to be with him, what do you suppose brought you to be a "pretty terrible girlfriend" at times for the past year?

I want to mend the problems in our relationship. These problems seem to be largely due to my emotional instability, which I imagine is exhausting to deal with. So, I guess this is because I was unhappy.

He has been telling me I'm unhappy since he broke up with me. It is confusing because of course you're going to be unhappy after an ordeal like this, but I also know he is referring to before the dissolution of our relationship.

iliketherain · Aug 21, 2016, 10:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Sounds like you both are still working out the details and that reconciliation may be a possibility?

WC

I hope so! Thank you!

iliketherain · Aug 21, 2016, 10:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I stayed in my ex's house for a month and a half because it was very difficult to find a place to move to. Then he had health problem and I had to stick around trying to help. He was happy because he hoped I change my mind and stay. Long story. Living with exes while looking for a place or in sickness is a necessity but staying forever is a disaster waiting to happen

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It is hard to be around someone you love but can't have. It is freaking torture.

iliketherain · Aug 21, 2016, 10:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by healingme4me

If you are paying rent to his parents, why is it for him to say how long you may stay?

Is the living situation accommodating to your need for privacy?

"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

Thank you! I guess I had mostly thought about it in consideration to him. We are still sleeping on completely opposite sides of the same bed...so.

iliketherain · Aug 21, 2016, 10:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RxQueen875

I too am codependent so I know how hard this must be for you. My guess is he doesn't want you to leave at all or wants a friend with benefits at hand. You need to figure that out. But if you guys are done for good I'd get out now

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I don't think he wants me to leave, although it's honestly hard to say. He really won't make any definitive statements about our future. I know we aren't going to be intimate during this time - that was a pre-existing problem before we broke up, so I don't think that will change now.

Bill3 · Aug 21, 2016, 10:47 PM

Quote:

I want to mend the problems in our relationship. These problems seem to be largely due to my emotional instability, which I imagine is exhausting to deal with. So, I guess this is because I was unhappy.

You said before that you were a terrible girlfriend at times in the past year. Perhaps that was because of the emotional instability? Did it spike up in the past year? If so, why do you suppose that happened?

divine1966 · Aug 22, 2016, 05:39 AM

You are sleeping in the same bed after a break up? I understand staying in the same house but am really puzzled about same bed.

And I've been through break ups and divorce etc amicable/ staying friends etc but I can't imagine sleeping in the same bed? Is there no where else to sleep?

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iliketherain · Aug 22, 2016, 11:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

You are sleeping in the same bed after a break up? I understand staying in the same house but am really puzzled about same bed.

And I've been through break ups and divorce etc amicable/ staying friends etc but I can't imagine sleeping in the same bed? Is there no where else to sleep?

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At this time, there isn't really...his brother and his brother's girlfriend moved in recently, as well, and since we have 2 more roommates, there aren't really any other extra rooms at the moment. On top of this, I'm pretty sure he hasn't told his parents or anyone, so I don't know if he would find it awkward to post-up in like the living room, for instance.

I understand it does seem weird to be sleeping in the same bed, but I'm not really sure that I understand why. Does this communicate the wrong message to one another??

iliketherain · Aug 22, 2016, 12:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

You said before that you were a terrible girlfriend at times in the past year. Perhaps that was because of the emotional instability? Did it spike up in the past year? If so, why do you suppose that happened?

Thank you for your comment. I am so unstable and yes, it has absolutely crept up more than once in the past year. In fact, many times.

I am going to proceed in the most objective way I can to summarize what I've been like in the past bit: I've cheated multiple times - with one time lasting the better part of a year. I've lied, been jealous, acted miserable, gotten angry, depressed, and probably a number of negative things.

This would absolutely have lead anyone else to ask themselves, "am I happy?", and I suppose most other people would have ended the relationship (from either side) before it got to that point. I, however, ALWAYS had excuses for my actions and in fact, blamed a lot of my actions on him.

I am trying to come to terms with how I even got here. I recognize now, while writing this, that he has every right to never even want to talk to me again, let alone get back together with me.

I am going to try and start seeing a counselor. I have no idea how to proceed otherwise - I feel completely alone and panicked - like I'm going through withdrawals. What is wrong with me?

Bill3 · Aug 22, 2016, 02:43 PM

I think that seeing a counselor is a great idea.

I bet that the problems in the present are directly related to pain that you experienced in the past. It isn't that there is anything wrong with you, but rather that bad things happened to you.

iliketherain · Aug 25, 2016, 05:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

I think that seeing a counselor is a great idea.

I bet that the problems in the present are directly related to pain that you experienced in the past. It isn't that there is anything wrong with you, but rather that bad things happened to you.

Thank you so much for your advice. I called a counselor/therapist and left a message asking to make an appointment. This is the first time I've sought out therapy since high school and I honestly feel a little more hopeful.