[Vanel]

Hello, I'm Vanel, I'm 20 and I'm having issues with my boyfriend.

We've been together for over 4 years now. I come from Slovakia which is in Europe and I met my boyfriend trough the internet. Yes, I know what you all might be thinking, but yes, it happened.
The thing is, we fell in love and we've been together via computer for over 3 years untill I finished my graduation so I could go visit him.
We had issues from the first year of being together, like no trust since I was so far away. He didn't trust me that I wasn't cheating on him, and that allways made me moody because I wasn't, and I had no way to convince him or anything.
After we kinda got over those troubles, I began to notice that he didn't really left the computer in the entire day. He lost his job and he stayd with his parents, and I didn't have any issue with that but it was day by day, month by month and I began to worry about his health. He gained a visible amount of weight and I started to tell him to do something about it. He used the excuse that if he left, I would go out with guys and I had no way to turn that back.
A year more has passed, and we began to plan my trip to Mexico (where he lives) to meet him for the first time. His family and him paid me the trip and I was so excited. I met him and everything changed. He was suddently so sweet to me, so gentle and protective. I tought that the troubles we had dissapeared with the lack of distance and all was perfect till I began to realize, something was wrong. We never got out anywhere. We didn't do almost nothing together, and that started to concern me. I have began to read on the browser why was that, maybe it was his personality? But everywhere I found that talking was the key to solve problems, so I decided to sit down with him and talk. I spoke to him and told him my troubles, that I wasn't comfortable with this situation, that I felt like he didn't really care about me being there at all. And I tought that we would talk, but he only humpfed at me and told me that it wasn't like that, but I allways complain about everything. How come? It quite was that way for a few months before we started to fight, almost every day. I told my problems to my parents and they decided that problably comming back home was the best solution, so I did. He cried, and so did I. I began to regret my decision, but at this point I couldn't cancel my flight.
When I came back home, I felt sick. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I felt like a zombie for almost 2 months. I began to realize that I was missing him too mutch, and so did he, at least it seemed to.
We got back together recently 3 months ago, and he promissed me to start from fresh, start new, work hard to make this relationship work, but I'm down again.
Yesterday I spoke to him and ended up arguind to even yelling at eachother. Talking seems not to be the option, and I don't really know what to do.
When I try to talk to him, he does like if he isn't paying atention at all, then interupts me at any time, and if I continue he blames me for interumpting and then complaining that why doesn't he answer. Is that normal? I even tried talking to his parents, and they seem to support me. They tried to talk to him but he doesn't seem to listen to them either. He doesn't do anything else beside playing on the computer, laying the entire day, when I tell him to lets go find job, he doesn't answer. He tells me to make him food, and randomly would come or atempt to have intimate relations with me. I feel like that is all he wants from me, my company and someone to talk to.
I'm confused.. I love him, and I think he does too, but he doesn't show it. He allways does like nothing happened after a fight, like if I had already forgotten the pain or the tears.
He never harmed me phisicaly, nor cheated on me. He just.. minds his own thing, to the point I feel like he doesn't care about me anymore. And I can't run away since I live with him and my family is not closeby.

Please, advice. I don't know what to try anymore. Nothing seems to work.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Vanel: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

With regard to your concerns, I would have to say I don't really have much of anything to offer in terms of suggestions. My personal opinion is that one can analyze this young man's behavior "up one side & down the other", as the saying goes. And one can try to come up with all sorts of different ideas for things to try in order to make things better.

The reality of the situation is that this young man has learned, over many years, to be the person you see before you. You're not likely to make significant changes in him. Only he can make changes, should he so choose. And, from what you wrote, this sounds unlikely. So, it would be my perspective, that what you are going to have to do here is to simply decide if this is really someone you want to spend your life with. And, if not, make arrangements to leave. I'm sure that sounds harsh. But, again from my perspective, that is the reality of your situation.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

He's not going to change. You're unhappy and I would be, too, if I were you.

I can't think of one positive aspect of your relationship. He seems very selfish. I would permanently leave him and not look back.

Take care.

[Trippin2.0]

I would be booking a flight home.


He's not interested in your happiness, he's not open to adjusting his behavior.


I doubt you can happily spend the rest of your life with him as he is.


I wouldn't be able to.

[Vanel]

Thank you for the repplies all, I very apreciate it.

I tried to break and not look back a few times already before, but with him I just can't seem to be able to. I allways come back feeling bad about myself and have to apologize. If it was that hes being harsh to me or not being sweet from time to time, I would have already left him so long ago.
I think that the only strings that still hold me with him is that when hes in a good mood, hes the most sweetest person I've ever seen. He caresse me, holds me, kisses me, says nice things to me, even smiles! But that only happens maybe 4 times or less a week, thus my doubts about this relationship. This is my first major relationship I ever had, and I feel like a noob about these things.
I mean, if he didn't love me, I don't think he would share house with me, or have brought me over the ocean since it isn't cheap, but I fear that I began to be like.. a sure thing to him. Like, he sees me as granted or something, like if I wasn't taken seriously anymore.

I don't know.. I'm confused.

[Bill3]

Abusive people are typically nice from time to time, so as to make it hard for the ones they are mistreating to leave.

You can expect his current behavior to continue: unloving and selfish most of the time, nice once in a while.

How much do you want to be in that kind of relationship?

[divine1966]

Oh my. It sounds like a disaster. Who supports you two if he isn't working? You? His parents? Call your parents and tell then you are going home ASAP. This whole situation is awful

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[Trippin2.0]

You can't stay with someone just because you feel bad or guilty for leaving. We don't only break up with nasty people, we also break up with people who aren't a good fit.


It's logic


You haven't described one good reason to stay with your bf, but instead you've described many good reasons to leave him.


If you don't, you will only have yourself to blame.


Your gut is telling you this relationship is off, your head and heart is telling you its unfulfilling, or you wouldn't be on the internet seeking guidance from strangers.


Listen to your instinct, and the strangers on the internet, we have experience, life has so much more to offer you than a bf who is nice maybe twice a week.

[Vanel]

Thank you all for your opinions. I will start working my way to get back home and rehabilitate from this.

I think you all are right. Sometimes one has to choose a lesser wrong to avoid the greater one.

[Trippin2.0]

Smart choice


I'm glad you're not waiting around for things to get worse.

[divine1966]

Let us know when you are safe back home. Start making plans but don't tell him as he will make it difficult.

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