"My house, my rules" vs "I'm an adult!" (with an aside about EFD)

Lately my mom and I have been

Apparently, I never was bratty , never said no or flatly refused to do something until I was 17. I remember this time, and I remember feeling that I was standing up for myself, asserting myself against someone who was overprotective, overcontrolling, and overcritical, refusing to be treated like a child. My mom, apparently, read it as pointless defiance and misbehavior. The whole "my house, my rules" and "if you don't like it, leave" is pretty much the response to anything I might try to refuse at home.

Sometimes even minor defiance or assertion would be met with overreaction - I can't tell you how many times my mom said she would call the police and say I'm trying to burn the house down if I use the stove or the washer. Likewise, the feeling of being controlled has infuriated me - refusing to give information or keeping things secret has long given me a sense of freedom and personhood I lack when I need to tell her everything. I keep asking her not to open my mail, but I come home to find everything from junk mail to paychecks open and waiting for me - isn't that a federal offense if it were anyone else? A frequent occurrence is the question "What did you eat today?", something I've refused to answer in the past just to feel like something in my life was my own; we'd get into a screaming match until I told her what I could remember. On a more severe example, she knows about my SH and a month ago said if she ever caught me doing it in the house, she'll call the police and say I'm attacking her (and since she has more money and a college degree while I'm a dropout with a psych history, the police will obviously believe her over me).

I now get that I had no business taking any kind of stand back then; but now it's different: I work, I pay a small rent (my mom's T doesn't think it's enough, that I should be paying that anyway out of "responsibility", but that's another matter), buy most of my own food, and do some chores around the house. It's basically a cheap, familiar place to live until I save enough to move out or go back to school. Surely, I have some place now to ask to not be treated like a mentally challenged toddler?

Well, let me go off on a relevant tangent. Over a year ago a psychologist diagnosed me with ADHD. After the meds made me worse, my mom concluded I don't have it, I'm, just undisciplined. Well, I realized from a conversation last night that there's a pretty good change I have some kind of executive function impairment, if my biggest problems in life are sustaining effort (I'm a terrible 'finisher'), planning, following schedules, and focusing long enough.

My mom's been threatening to send me to a "retarded home" because of these issues for years now, or some kind of camp or rehab program that will force me to live by a schedule, study certain subjects, and learn how to complete tasks. I keep telling her no such place exists, not that I could get into (either too smart, too old, or too well-behaved). Her new plan is to make me keep a planner that she will check every day, or just a schedule for her to approve until I learn executive functioning skills. She claims I need to be challenged mentally and physically, and I outright told her that if that happened I would fail...

This is someone who wants to force a college to make me go through a freshman "handholding" program where I report to half a dozen advisors a day if I go back to school, or who wants me to be sent to an internet addiction rehab program where I'll have zero access to any technology for at least six months because she doesn't feel I use my/"her" computer properly.

Sorry this is all over the place, but is there any way for me to actually be treated like an adult at home? Anything I can do to prove myself (especially considering executive functioning disorders, if I have one, can't actually be cured, just adapted to)? The control and infantilization is one reason I left, and I want to try to resolve it myself this time. I get I live in her home right now (but surely I'm not a "squatter" like she keeps saying...) but is there any way a parent can compromise and where "You live here, but don't own the place" means "I get to control and know everything you do".

Truly? I don't think you can achieve this while you live with her. It's really hard to change someone's behaviour and it sounds from your experience that she will just look for the wrong reason if you do anything different, or argue if you suggest something new. On the bright side, it might help inspire and motivate you to move out and build your own nest, with your own rules. Be creative in your search, don't just look at renting. Look at communities, or live in jobs, or residential programmes. Good luck.

Wow,
You have My Empithy!
Please realize,
You are in a Toxic Environment!
The longer You stay, the more powerless you will Feel!
Look Up, The Definition of a Control Freak;
Under: Narcissist Control Freak.
If I am right, Nothing You do, will be good enough!
You are the Victim Here!
She has VERY REAL PROBLEMS!
This is Mental Abuse,
On Her Part!
I would see a Lawyer,
Protect your Rights!
I don't know what SH or (EFD)
Are?
I'm Older!

how old are you? Move out

Have you ever met with her therapist? Is there anyway to have some sort of family services? It's rather obvious that she's not seeing you as a whole person and I believe that doesn't help in your own recovery needs. Maybe both yours and her therapists can communicate? Your being able to become independent is important and the environment doesn't sound conducive to getting you there. What about trade apprenticeship?

Hate it when I'm slow,
I read about (EFD)!
My Apologies to Your Mother!
SH, BIG PROBLEM!
I think you should Trust Her;
Really You know She is right!

Your mother is not going to change. (By the way, it does violate federal law for your mother to open your mail.) Part of what emboldens your mother to act so oppressively is that she feels confident that you have no alternative but to put up with it. Your only way to be free of your mother's intrusiveness is to get out of that house.

Actually, from what I juat read, your mom isn't actually breaking federal law by opening your mail. However, she is violating a tenent of most people's moral law.

I know I should move out; I tried that once and it failed horribly. Combined with unstable finances and work, I'm worried about ending up in a homeless shelter or on welfare again...

Heck, when I lived on my own, I spent a years trying and failing to get a job; three weeks after I moved in back home, I had one.

School could be an option, but I'm convinced I'd fail out again...

So I'm guessing getting some respect isn't on that table as much as I thought?

I wouldn't use the word respect, but I think she will always find it hard to treat you as an adult. That is also about her, rather than because you haven't got a job/ car/ husband or whatever. Some mothers will always find fault with their children whatever they do.

Moving out on your own once didn't work out, but please do think about moving out with other people. I live in England, so my experience is different, but here you could - for example

Work as live in help for an older but wealthy person
Work in a boarding school, with the perk being free accomodation
Work for the National Trust (live in an old historic building but look after it)
Join an eco or green community
Work on a care farm
Work in a religious community - you don't have to be religious, but you do need to contribute in some way

I really would urge you to look into this, even if it's only for a month. It might do you both good to be apart for a while, and you might change and feel very differently.

Get your own place and you'll have all the respect you want.

I know first hand what that oppression is like.
Be strong and know that there is help out there.
Keep reaching out here at PC. We're here for you.

It's not "oppression" - this is an adult child who is living with his parents. He can move out, he isn't being held hostage.

Sounds like my mom I am back living with her again typical narc mother. I had issues with i was previously living and right now ended up being stuck and at rock bottom. I refuse to look for another roommate as I want my own independent living just that living here drains so emotionally and physically even though I work.

Has the respect just been Flying over Your Head?
Every Response, Has been Respect full!
When are you going to Show Some Respect?
You should Stop Poisoning your Body and Mind!
Have some Respect for YOURSELF!
Here is Reality,
If you think the World will change to Help you, Your Wishing!
Any Improvements You can make to Yourself, can improve your World;
and now you are implementing!

Just a note: it's hardly bad all the time. IF anything it's back into a familiar cycle of emotional ups and downs, only now in the span of days instead of weeks. Jut today my mom went from rambling a litany of pointless insults to thanking and hugging me for helping her while she's been sick lately.

I have a lot of respect for what Molinit in particular is saying, and I know you're right (though I think your present situation might be biasing you towards some real worst-case-scenario thinking). But...considering every attempt to live on my own (whether totally self-supporting or in college) has failed miserably and ended up with me being nagged into coming home, I really have my doubts. The idea that I can't function on my own is terrifying; and even disregarding that, I worry about not having the means to survive on my own. Living home is certainly cheaper until I can save up, and if I were to run out of money my means of living would be far more negotiable.

No, I'm not oppressed or abused. Just frustrated, a loser, and admittedly, part of the problem. Neither of un here treat each other with consistent respect..

My mom is also like this, there are certain things that are totally fine in other households but not okay at ours. Like how she's always hated when I lock my bedroom door. She will knock and wait for a response when she's in a good mood, but if she's upset she just barges into my room. There were times when we'd fought and I'd lock my door, and she'd knock furiously on my door. Sometime I get scared of her and want to lock my door when I sleep but I'm afraid she'll get even madder so I never do

Perhaps oppression wasn't the best word to use, my apologies. After reading your post it's what first came to mind. Only you can find the strength to break free from your current situation. You seem very intelligent and not at all was my impression that you were "a loser". Please be gentle with yourself.

Every human being deserves respect from others. You are in a frustrating situation but it is by no means a hopeless situation!

call me a terrible mom... The my house my rules argument came to such a head I took the door off the hinges to my daughter's bedroom. She had to earn the right to privacy and earn the right to respect. But it worked and we have a lovely relationship 15 years later.

I've literally asked her to abuse me, repeatedly, and she just threatens to have me committed.