It is amazing how people are so insensitive and then get offended by innocent comment

Today one of my coworkers made a very insensitive remark out of nowhere that I can't believe someone would make without meaning to be offensive. I assumed she didn't mean to be offensive so I didn't make anything of it. But then just a few minutes later I made a comment that was meant to be totally innocent and she called me out right there in front of everyone. I would share the specific comments made but unfortunately this website is stupid and doesn't allow users to delete posts and I do not want to put something out there that can potentially be used to identify me if one of these people I know happens to find it. I don't get it it's like I am held to much higher standard than the people I deal with and I don't get why.

You can request administration to delete your post. Or report your own post and say the reason ( anonymity concern. Etc). Unless you tell us what was being said it's hard to advice anything

If no one has told her that what she said was offensive, and she really didn't see/mean it to be offensive, then she has no way to know that she was offensive.

You perceived her to be offensive. She perceived you to be offensive. You didn't think you were offensive, so why would she? However, she chose to tell you her opinion on your offensiveness. You chose to not tell her.

That isn't anyone holding you to a higher standard. If no one else told her that she had been offensive, and no one else told you when you were being offensive, then you have no idea if anyone else thought that either of you were being that way- they either thought neither of you were being offensive or chose to keep their opinions to themselves.

But nothing you've shared implies that you are being held to a higher standard.

ETA: and if she had meant to be offensive, well, most people who are intentionally offensive are often some of the quickest to be up in arms if someone else offends them. Just take a look in most of the current media and politics for examples of that!

I will not post the details because

1) I don't trust the admins on here to obey my request to delete it
2) I don't trust the other posters on here to obey my request to not QUOTE my post
3) I don't trust the other posters on here to not be, like most people in general, biased in favor of my "friend" because apparently only females are allowed to be sensitive and get offended by things

The main point however is this:

She said something directed at me specifically that offended me, and I felt I should cut her some slack and kept my mouth shut because she is my friend and she must have not meant it to be offensive and I don't want to be mean and embarrass her by calling her out in front of everyone.

I said something that was a general comment not directed at her, but that offended her, and she did not feel the need to cut me any slack and called me out in front of everyone. When I told her I did not mean it in the way she interpreted it (which is 100% true, I didn't), she responded that the impact is what's important, not the intent. And on top of that, her demeanor towards me in general seems to have changed since then.

Why is it that nobody seems to value my friendship as much as I value theirs? I think the answer to that question lies in the other post I made. Most people do not value someone who is socially awkward, dumb and clumsy. Particularly not a male. And this actually brings us back to the nature of the comment she made towards me and why it offended me so much. It's actually pretty ironic.

You sound overly paranoid. How many members are on PC? 700,000? Not sure - but it's a hell of a lot.

And anytime I've needed anything, all Admin have been swift, prompt and very professional in dealing with the issue at hand.

Of course admin would delete your post upon request. Why do you doubt?

So you were both supposedly rude but she confronted you while you didn't confront her. It doesn't mean double standards or anything like that. It just means she speaks up and you don't. See a therapist about becoming more assertive

There's no double standard in this situation shadix.

You were offended by her but you didn't express it. No one said you couldn't, and she had zero way to know that you were actually offended. Because you said nothing.

Therefore, her speaking up when you offended her? Is not an example of women vs men. She chose to speak up. You didn't. You have no way to know if she meant it to be offensive or not - after all, you said something offensive and didn't know that as you hadnt meant it that way.

I am not biased towards your friend. She spoke up, you didn't. She even explained that it isn't the intent that mattered but the impact - she explained herself! You didn't. You didn't say a single word. She is not holding you to a different standard than she holds herself.

How would you feel about taking her aside and telling her calmly why you think she was unfair to you and why you feel you have been fair to her?

If she is a true friend she will be pleased you are talking to her about this.

Ok, I will go ahead and share the whole story. I will have the admins delete this post after it has run it's course, but in case can't have the whole thread deleted as well DO NOT QUOTE THIS POST. In fact, try not to repeat too many details from it in your own words either.

So basically, I was out at a lunch with some friends/coworkers. We were discussing sports. My friend was asking another coworker if he was interested in being on a softball league she is setting up. I ask which sport they are talking about and she tells me and continues talking to him about it. Then a few minutes later she turns to me and says asks if I play softball at all. As I am about to answer that I don't, she blurts out "it's weird, you have a black belt, but from what I have seen you are pretty uncoordinated." I was offended and taken aback my this comment, because it seemed so bluntly rude and she doesn't normally make comments like that. But because she is normally so nice to me, I assumed she didn't mean to be offensive and I kept my mouth shut. Then a while later, I mention that I want to play soccer and that I am wondering when the leagues associated with our company start. Now, a bit of background, there is a coed league and a men's league. I was before told by another friend that the men's league is more competitive so if I wasn't that good, that the coed league might be better. The truth is, I am interested in playing on the coed league because I want to meet more girls, but I figured the men's league being more competitive would be a good excuse. So I mentioned that I was interested in the coed league because I haven't played soccer in a while and I am not that good. I was not even thinking in terms of gender or that women aren't as good as men or anything like that. I actually don't see why that would be the case in soccer, I was just thinking the coed league was more casual because that's what I've been told. But my friend apparently took it as me saying the coed league is less competitive because there are women playing and started giving me a pissed off look while turning red. I only realized what was going on after another friend pointed out her reaction. I immediately said "oh, well I didn't mean it THAT way, I was just told the men's league is more competitive..." but she replied saying "it's about the impact not the intent." Basically calling me out in front of everyone.

So lets put aside for a second the fact that my comment was not meant to be about gender at all. Lets say I had made that comment and I did mean to say women were less competitive. Why is it that I am not allowed to suggest something like that but she is allowed to straight up tell me I am uncoordinated?

Oh and there is more. Even though she went back to being on friendly terms pretty much immediately after, she seems to have picked up a habit of making comments just like the one she made that day. Today she pointed out to me that I have poor listening skills and that I ask her the same questions over and over again. Yesterday she gave me a "how can you not tell this is..." about something she asked me which I struggled to answer. She seems to be passing it off as normal friendly teasing, buy I have a feeling there is more to it than that, because she would not make these kinds of disparaging comments in the past. I am also starting to wonder if my comment at lunch had nothing to do with it and there was something going on before and that her "uncoordinated" comment was part of a pattern of behavior triggered before.

Anyways, the reason her comments are so offensive to me is because they basically demonstrate that she sees me as incompetent. It's obvious she doesn't think I'm smart or socially skilled, so now she thinks I am physically uncoordinated too? Then what exactly do I have going for me? I am not interested in playing the role of the village idiot and that seems to be the role I am playing here.

You overthink any and all things Shadix.

I know you don't want to hear this ....... You really need a Therapist to help you find your self esteem and show you ways to feel more confident.

I really do feel bad for you, your either feeling picked on or your coming up with excuse after excuse about who you can date and not date.. All the time.

I see nothing in your post that would need removed, I doubt anyone is surfing the net looking for you typing away on a forum.

Good luck

Well I have to agree that this girl was rude. Frankly since she is just a colleague and not someone you need to maintain relationship with ( I have rude father and rather rude sister in law but it's hard to escape them), you can avoid her company. Or next time she is rude just speak up. You can't really change rude people though. I think you need to work on your own confidence and self esteem as well as other skills ( communication etc) as we can only change ourselves. Please do get professional help.

I can see how you are both offended. I don't know her intent, but if you don't speak up then you are giving her silent consent to continue it - because she really might not notice it. Or maybe she's tired of you for whatever reason. Maybe she is awkward herself and trying to help you by pointing things out. Who knows. You haven't asked or spoken up.

I can easily see how she was offended as well. You worded it poorly. She was correct in saying that it was the impact and not what you say your intent was. You could say the exact same thing to her about the stuff she has said to you - what she has intended by her comments is irrelevant because it upsets you.

That said, she's being open with you about her opinions.

I completely agree on the matter of anonymity. I worry that I will be recognized or otherwise out myself; especially when I make posts such as "last night at support group..." or even rants about my sister-in-law etc. At times I go ahead anyway because it matters to get the situation off my chest. But in most cases I hold back. I think the chances are pretty high that people from my support group and even SIL have a presence here. Similarly, I at times have been pretty sure I recognize anothe poster.

Okay. Regarding being construed as offensive. This I think is more likely when the situation involves hard found beliefs like religion and politics. Some people haven't a clue that their comments are neither shared nor suitable. Does the individual in question regularly display a lack of common sense? My suggestion is to move on and ignore this person if you can.

I think she has been rather rude/insensitive IMO, if she says something about your co-ordination/listening skills in future how about replying that you know you have an issue with this but you try your best? Maybe she really doesn't realise the challenges you have, and perhaps she is poor at empathy.

As for the lack of competition in the co-ed league, I personally as a woman would not have taken that as an insult, I don't see why being less competitive is a negative thing. I am in a mixed sports group and have to say it's my experience that generally women are less competitive, I personally prefer to train with other women for this very reason. That she sees this as an insult IMO says more about her than you.

I would just keep calm and point out if she says anything else bluntly/rudely about your challenges.

As red panda pointed out, this is a matter of her speaking up when she is offended and you choosing to remain silent. Personally, I see speaking up and informing someone when they have offended you as a sign of respect and, quite possibly, trying to build closeness. It's what we do in friendships. We tell people what we like and dislike and how we want to be treated. If you say nothing when you're offended, you are shutting the other person out. You aren't giving them an opportunity to learn about you and how you want to be treated. She has absolutely no way of knowing that she is offending you if you haven't told her. She may think she is being funny and you like the comments. For example, I'm a little bit clumsy and my best friend teases me about it. It doesn't bother me because it's true and I can laugh at myself when I manage to trip on an uneven sidewalk in 3 inch heels. But if it did bother me, I would say something. I would give him the opportunity to understand me better by explaining why he had hurt my feelings and he would probably change his behavior because he cares about my feelings. If you want to build relationships, it helps to let people in. I don't think staying silent is giving them the benefit of the doubt; I see it as shutting them out.