[brainy]

Although I've shared a little on this site, and may have painted him as less than desirable, the fact is he's a wonderful guy! I really care about him.
A thing that bothers me too is he bottles things inside of him. And since I have bipolar depression, I know first hand how it hurts. The reason he does this, yes it's possibly, a big possibly, momma. I've actually witnessed the woman getting on him, she bragged to me one day what she told him about marriage, etc. She even said "he's 76 but he acts like a child sometimes" yet, I saw how she treats him, etc. Evidently, to her he'll always be her little boy I guess. She blames him for his failed marriages, and though I'm sure he had a part in the demise of that union, I have no doubt whatsoever that she was the ringleader!
But I'm running my mouth, so I'll get to the point.
Society has taught us that certain behaviors are not appropriate for certain genders, so showing your emotional side makes a man NOT a man according to, again, society.
What to do? My therapist feels I need to stop this. The "stop this" is referring to putting myself out there with people. But I can't help it! Yes, there are times when it has gotten to me I will admit. It made me depressed, crying, etc. There was a woman I met while volunteering with an organization dealing with the AIDS virus, and I don't think I have to tell y'all it was very emotional!
But this situation is different. This is a man that I very deeply care about! He's hurting. When I called Monday last week, not knowing he had company with mom, his grown daughter and children, it seemed like he felt he didn't want to let in on who he was talking to, because of momma. I am impressed though that we still talked, even "Thank you for calling." A girlfriend feels that was because he didn't want to start momma up, especially in front of the grandkids.
I don't understand how a 92 year old woman managed to get so much control!!! I'm 69, and there is NO WAY another human being will control me!!! All you gotta do is try it and you'll see a rebellion that an adolescent cannot top!
Anyway, I'm running my mouth again.
What I'm asking for are suggestions in getting him to open up. Thanks.

[divine1966]

Well is there exact topic you want him to open up about?

Then you can ask questions about things you want to know and then volunteer info about yourself.

You can also ask very direct questions like " you seem to not want your mom to know i call you, is there a reason?", "I'd like you to call me more often. Is there a reason you don't? Are you interested in our communication? Dating?"Etc try to be very direct.

Overall at 76 people don't change but you can ask questions

[Skeezyks]

Hello brainy: The Skeezyks recalls reading one of your previous posts regarding this situation. I don't know... I'm 68 year old man. I don't know what caused the relationship between your friend & his mother to develop the way it did. I grew apart from my parents (both deceased now) over the years. So the relationship that exists between your friend & his mother is foreign to me.

What I can say is that, at least in my case, I've always had a tendency to bottle things up inside. (It's a long story.) And I think that, as I've aged, my inclination to do so has only become stronger. I do believe there is a sense in which this is simply the way older men are... at least any of the ones I know. For better or worse, none of the older men I know are sitting around sharing our feelings. In my case, I've reached a point in my life where I simply want to be left alone. What's done is done. Leave it in the past. And the last thing I want is for anyone to be trying to paw around in my private thoughts & feelings.

So I guess what I want to suggest here is... be careful about trying to open this gentleman up. It may seem to you to be a good idea. Maybe it is even a good idea. But it may not be of any interest to him at all. And it may be something that could end up driving a wedge between the two of you... a wedge he will not share his feelings about...

[brainy]

Well thank you Skeezyks! I really appreciate your insight. I do. Insight that based on experience too. I haven't given any thought to the possibility that "it could end up driving a wedge" between us. And that is something I do not want! Yet I hurt because it's obvious he's hurting. I don't know. Because this is long distance, I was in his state past July. The night before I left, both of us being at his mom's place, he was agitated about the whole situation. She said something, and the next I know he blew up! She looked up, and then down, I guess not believing he stood up for himself. Me? I'm just sitting there proud of him. This is not saying that I advocate parental disrespect, but neither do I advocate disrespecting children either, no matter how old those children are. The next day, while in the car on my way to the bus (with momma in the back because "I want to see you off"), he apologized to her, watching for my reaction. I said nothing because I felt he did nothing wrong. I just smiled.
But like I said Skeezyks, thank you for your insight.