[LookingforCalm]

I need advice. There is this guy that I used to date. We became friends after breaking up, and I need to listen to my instincts about breaking up and staying broken up. Second chances NEVER work out.

Well, I'm done. He wronged me yet again. He betrayed my trust again.
Yes, I'm stupid for letting him back in. I am trying to make my peace with that.

My father said I owe him nothing; not even an explanation. I tend to agree because the last time I broke up with him, he pretty much stalked me. He sent me flowers and other gifts and left them on my doorstep, he'd go to where I work and "walk around", and he even moved into my former apartment complex before I moved into my current one.

I know. Like I said, I feel stupid.

The final straw was a social media thing, where he declared his love for me and said he was in a relationship. While he didn't name me specifically, many friends know that we were hanging out. I ALWAYS made it clear that I wasn't ready or willing to move forward with a commitment and that we were friends.

So now, after not trusting my instincts and telling this guy repeatedly that I wasn't ready, he forged ahead. On social media.

I'm disappointed. In myself for not trusting my gut, and in him for always having to take control.

I'm thinking my father is right. I owe this guy nothing. He's going to stalk me no matter what, but if I respond to him I'll get a barrage of texts, emails, stupid gifts on my doorstep, and him trying to find me.

While this may happen with ignoring, sometimes silence says everything. I do not feel the need to explain myself any further, and responding to him in any way is going to invite his lame justifications for how and why he treated me this way. In fact, when I did respond to him about upset I was on Monday, I received an IM at nearly 2am talking about how drunk he was and he hated seeing "single" by his name. I have not spoken with him since. He's texted about four times.

So, the question stands. Do I confront him and tell him for sure that this is over and risk him stalking me again? Or is my father right by ignoring him?

Sorry this is so long. But what say you?

[Bill3]

What is the last thing you told him--that you two are broken up?

[~Christina]

Block and delete him on anything and everything you can. Social media ? Facebook? Set yours to private.... You can change this down the road if you want .

If his rambling on Facebook , whatever is a problem make a blanket statement of " we are not together and no reason to discuss it, thanks for understanding"

I know it's hard. If he won't leave you alone you can contact the police.

Just make sure he clearly knows you want nothing to do with him and stick to it, block his phone number etc , just never respond to him.

Stay safe

Originally Posted by LookingforCalm

But what say you?

Stop heaping so much blame and criticism on yourself.

[Talthybius]

Sounds like he is addicted to the chemicals his brain only produces when he interacts with you.

You told him you would be friends. You say you want to confront him even now. I guess you have done so in the past. I don't know what you guys talked about last time you talked. But apparently, what you said only encouraged him in his behavior.
I don't know why you feel you again have to tell him it is over. Why doesn't he know that yet? What does saying it again change?

You couldn't know this could happen and he is wrong in what he is doing. It is stalking and it is probably against the law where you live.

I have fallen obsessively in love myself, as a male. And it scares me. Luckily for me and for the subject of my interest, I have near-perfect restraint.

The first time it happened, we tried to be friends. We had very deep conversations online. She knew about my feelings and how they scared me. But she kept doing small things to create doubt in my mind and encourage my feelings. I thought we both agree we could never have something romantic, but she kept hinting at sex and at falling in love. She must have known she was doing it. Even though I really believe she tried not to hurt me and she was aware of risking hurting me. She also had to be herself and maybe she had her own weaknesses. It hurt me a lot.
We stopped being friends eventually. She is now in a relationship, and for all I know happily with a family. I hope my pain boosted her ego and made her achieve what she has achieved now, and that my pain wasn't all for nothing, as it seems I got nothing out of it and it may have damaged me and disrupted my whole life and career, and romantic future. I don't blame her. But I think that if she knew the truth about the status of my life today and the intensity of my feelings back then, she will again feel sorry for me, like she probably did back then, but also be shocked and feel regret about what she did to me.

People here always side with the person posting here. If someone tells a story about how someone's significant other cheated, then that person is the devil. If someone comes here and admit they cheated on their partner, people try to help rationalize for that person why (s)he did it.
We also hear only one part of the story here. I also don't believe in free will. He may not have a choice in the matter of stalking you. His brain chemistry determines if he breaks the law, scares and intimidates you. As I am talking to you, I can only think about discussing what you may have done unintentionally to encourage this wrong behavior on his part. So I don't think you are wrong to question your own actions, like another poster said, though you shouldn't feel bad or guilty about it. It is perfectly rational to look at your own actions.

In my mind, any information you 'leak' his way allows him to keep obsessing over you. If he is given no new information, in my mind, it should reduce.

I have this idea that you can contact his best friend and tell that person he is so far gone, he is a victim of his own obsession/infatuation and that he needs professional help and risks getting arrested/found guilty of stalking. In my naive mind, that is a good idea. But it's probably a terrible idea in the real world.

[TishaBuv]

If you haven't already told him, write him a short explanation about how you don't like his controlling behavior, don't want to see him any more, and are going to delete him from your life and all your social media. Tell him you don't want a whole slew of texts or gifts on your door. Nothing will change your mind. Ask that he please respect you and leave you alone.

Then do what you said and stick to it.

Hopefully, he is not the type to take it to a physically violent level. If he starts acting scary, call the police.

I'm just wondering about online harassment laws and if there are any. It's something to look into. I wouldn't respond at all to him right now. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[TishaBuv]

I was getting harassing text messages and had to call the police. The cop called the texter and I filled out a report. All contact stopped after that. Luckily this person was in another state--long story.

[LookingforCalm]

Thanks you guys. I really appreciate the advice from all of you.

He wound up coming over today, which I knew he would do. He said he was worried because of lack of contact, and I said I was done.

It's not just about posting crap on social media; it's that I made it clear that we were friends and nothing more. He brought up stuff that he's done for me and how he felt "used". He said it's just a stupid social media site and I said that I had been wary of him for a reason - that he doesn't respect me. He feels used because we hung out and and sometimes he paid.

I made him leave my home, and I'll do it again. He says I'm just mad and being irrational. I told him I was tired of him disrespecting my boundaries and we're not going to have this conversation again.

Again, I thank you for your input. I'm still trying not beat myself up for letting him again. I'm working on that. But I know my limits.

Aaaaand he texted me again. Always has to have the last word...

[Bill3]

What is your thinking about blocking him completely?

[LookingforCalm]

Hi Bill,
I did block him from calling me. However I have not done this on social media.

I don't care what he says now. Let him. I have screen-shots of his pathetic justifications, usually after a vodka-filled night. Video too. He's crazy, and I'm sad that I let him back into my life after treating me so poorly before. I'm still beating myself up about that.

I sent him this text, and then I blocked him. I work retail so I work in a public forum, so I had to be specific.

You will leave me alone.
There is no us.
We are not a couple.
We are not friends.
You will not contact me in any way anymore. No calls, videos, texts, emails, IM, text, posts, drive by my home or my place of work. That includes all stores and sales. I will not allow you to stalk me, my home and my work like you did last time.

You will not talk to my friends or family. You are not allowed to contact them.
I said I didn't want this. That means all of it. No means no.
I don't even want a response from you. To do so from this point is harassment because I said to leave me alone.
I'm tired of being disappointed by you, and when I tell you enough is enough you have some lame *** excuse.
I don't care.
Leave. Me. Alone.

[TishaBuv]

That's what you have to do, and then if he keeps at you, don't reply. That's what he wants you to do, just to reengage you. If the harassment doesn't stop, then call police. Now lay low and be safe.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by LookingforCalm

Thanks you guys. I really appreciate the advice from all of you.

He wound up coming over today, which I knew he would do. He said he was worried because of lack of contact, and I said I was done.

It's not just about posting crap on social media; it's that I made it clear that we were friends and nothing more. He brought up stuff that he's done for me and how he felt "used". He said it's just a stupid social media site and I said that I had been wary of him for a reason - that he doesn't respect me. He feels used because we hung out and and sometimes he paid.

I made him leave my home, and I'll do it again. He says I'm just mad and being irrational. I told him I was tired of him disrespecting my boundaries and we're not going to have this conversation again.

Again, I thank you for your input. I'm still trying not beat myself up for letting him again. I'm working on that. But I know my limits.

His statements of saying he feels used and such. don't take any of that to heart, in order to be used it has to be based on what the "user" does. I am going to venture to guess that he is the type ot offer to pay for things and holds it over your head later when you try to break free as you are. It's a manipulation pure and simple. He stalked you, he did everything, and none of it at your promptings or invitation. You didn't ask him to do these things, he just has a problem letting go. The worst thing I can say about anything you did is that you haven't known how to handle this situation so in effect you were immobilized and due to your inaction he wasn't stopped sooner.

NONE of this is YOUR doing. Should you have cut off ties in some way before? sure but I think you did what you thought would work, you did your best to cut things off and let him go free. There is no blame in that, you probably were trying to be kind in your being friends with him and it's HIS fault that he didn't take your words to heart that you were just friends from the beginning. So the blame lies entirely on him. Do NOT feel guilty. Move forward, stand firm, knowing that you may have to be very strong in your stance, you now know how to better handle things. That's all you can do.

Aaaaand he texted me again. Always has to have the last word...

Stand firm, ignore it. Let it go. If he comes by again do not let him in. If he continues to pursue, it's harassment pure and simple. if it continues, record times it happens, take notes, keep them and then file a restraining order if it gets bad enough.

You broke up with the guy. he needs to get over himself.

@The O.P, I like what Christina said. I agree with her, block him. Don't contact him at all! Any contact from you will only encourage him to keep on stalking you more.

File a police report. Trust your gut. You know he's no good, and so does your dad. Forget about him.

Change your number too and your email as well. Don't respond to any calls or texts. Block all of them.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

Change your number too and your email as well. Don't respond to any calls or texts. Block all of them.

^this and shy introvert's previous advice to block.