[Yismymindblank12]

I'm at a new stage in life.
I'm not checking my Facebook and just alienate myself from the world around me.
I find my place here without anyone.

For once I feel happier if I pretend I don't care and be selfish.

Deep down, the only thing that keeps me from killing myself is keeping my mind busy and not thinking. Just accepting the worst to come and brace myself for every bad thing and not give way to it.

That I met this new girl out here she don't know my story enough and I know she's a bit checkered too with remote ties to the mafia she claims, but that's not what I'm getting at. She loves me alot, that's cool, she's out more effort in trying. So much so she worries herself to death.

I'm partial if I need her trying to stress me out asking me if I'm going to leave or we're ok. When I told her everything she isn't a bad person, not even a bad girlfriend. I understand why she says what she says from guys before me.

I felt she's going to trust me well enough and she does. I just don't know how long I can keep this front of being strong for everyone.

I have to be for a child I may or may not have in my life by my ex back many miles in ohio.

I am fighting for my child and everyone else comes secondary. I just feel if this girl pushes me too far by worrying too much I'm not afraid to dump her.

I'm not afraid of being single or feeling bad feelings over and over. No woman has been worth any suffering. I know I ****ed up with my baby's mama, but she gave up on me.
I think why I feel like ****. I'm used to people quitting on me for petty reasons. I just stopped trusting my heart, my feelings, and just can't trust anyone.

No one can convince me, only myself whether I can trust you or not.

I am awaiting that **** storm to come in when I have to face more abuse from my ex and who ever she dates. I have to put up with her drama and spite for 18 years just to have a relationship with my child.

I've seen a post about a close friend who I known for a long time and I realized he's lucky. He had the stable relationship and can have a baby in a nice home and be secure things will be fine, but I have to keep telling myself the same thing when all I can think how bad I ****ed up.
How my ex will go to hell and back to not let me be a father and rather whomever she picks at random whose a slave to her to be dad when I know he maybe abusive. That I worry about my child's safety many miles away having to be forced to choose how I want this to play out.

How I can not let my child suffer, because of an unplanned pregnancy with someone who didn't love me as they say they did. I know I ****ed up at the beginning by letting her get in my head to let this get this far and now. I sometimes think if I lose my second child, then what am I living for?

Like I honestly don't care for replies. I just don't get it why do I have to fight for an easier life that's just out of reach when others are granted it to them.

I've been quiet on this site for awhile and a huge part of me wants to quietly off myself for others to find out, but I can't do that to my child. So am I a piece of **** or what, because I don't know.

Is that how it's always been, I've been the victim of mistakes and others make decisions for me?

I don't know. I knew my whole life has been alot harder and I can't control it. I am forced to accept it and take everyone's crap till I die. Even on here every where. I'm the world's punching bag, I'm so strong look at me, I can take a knife a bullet all of it, deadly disease and I'm still here. Why the **** am I even alive, if when I choose to take to opportunity to enjoy it. It blows up in my face how little choice I have eevery time.
What's the plan? Am I being killed slowly and painfully to suffer, because I'm fine with that I'm addicted to it. It's the only thing that makes sense anymore.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

For once I feel happier if I pretend I don't care and be selfish. - sounds like the first step to getting things in proportion. Good luck.