[fairydustgirl]

So I was just at my therapist appt and we talked a little about my friendship with M my long distance friend (with benefits I guess technically). Something that came up, I know what I don't want in a relationship but I haven't actually sat down and figured out what I do want. I am pretty certain my friend M is going to always be a bachelor (43 never married, no kids, workaholic) so I have not kept myself from seeing other men though 2 did not go past the first date, one lasted about a month and I just heard from another that I went out with last Friday.

I know I don't want to get married and that is really a financial/healthcare issue. Well, honestly, I also like not having to be accountable to anyone but myself and I like having time to myself. On the other hand it would be nice to hear someone say they love me and want to see me frequently. like dinner and a movie on a Friday or something, sex if we feel like it. So I think I am in between the 'long term, grow old together' and 'lets hookup for a night' outlooks.

Most of these men I have met either want to hook up or are looking for a mate to marry. (true of most of the men on the online sites) Surprisingly this last date said that he was looking for a mate but has still asked if I wanted to go out again. We had this discussion on the first day of talking with one another, relating our dating goals. I rather thought I wouldn't hear from him so was surprised.

Anyway, something else I discussed with my therapist was the other day when I went out with this last guy, I really felt like I was cheating on M my long distance friend. I know I care about M a lot, more than he does for me most likely. I just get the feeling he refuses to let himself express any feelings, even though what he does say to me is really close to it. which in turn, I keep my feelings to myself too, which I find to be painful sometimes. So, I was talking to the latest guy Friday and went back and looked at a picture of my friend that we took together at the end of our last visit, we both looked very happy and I just cried and cried. M says let's enjoy the moment and take it a day at a time. I do enjoy the moments, I just wish we could have more of them. My therapist has asked a couple of times, will I be ok with this arrangement long term. Part of me thinks so, but part of me wishes we had more time together. I don't think that is unreasonable after knowing someone for 9 months. In the meantime, I just go about my own business and not pushing for any change.

Anyway, I just was thinking out loud (on a computer lol). Thanks for listening!

[gayleggg]

Sounds like your relationship with M is lacking something that you are needing. It's not wrong to keep searching.