From the shadows I return! Better than ever but still living the struggle.

Long time no see people. I was active here about a year ago but I just dropped off the face of the world in part because I became homeless and because I just didn't care to try to get better anymore. I withdrew from everybody and lived my life in relative solitude because I truly thought I wasn't good enough for anybody beings that I had nothing to offer. I just assumed everybody was out for themselves like always and I shouldn't give a damn about other people because humans are self serving fools who don't care about anything that doesn't benefit them.

Without going into too much detail, my step father that was supporting me had a heart attack and could no longer work so he had the house foreclosed and went to stay with his parents. Beings that I don't get along with his parents well at all (in part because they are hardcore Christians who think some of the video games I play and Animes I watch are Satanic and I am an Agnostic Atheist), I opted to live in a storage unit with a laptop and smartphone with a tethered data so I can have my precious video games and what not and donated plasma to pay for food and my phone bill and pretty much lived off Taco Bell and Mcdonalds for their free wifi and cheapness... pathetic I know haha

Then out of utter amazement, somebody showed me some compassion. I was obtaining services from a mental health center where I live and I got approved for a short term (1 year) housing grant that is helping me pay for rent and utilities (I just have to pay for things like food, phone, and internet) but at least for the first time in my life, I have an apartment of my own which is a huge step for me.

However, life is still a struggle for me. I am still having a hard time functioning in society and doing things such as hold down a regular job, making friends, or as you already figured meeting women. I have trouble managing stress and handling the many responsibilities when it comes to being an adult. I want to work for myself but I don't have a lot of money to invest and I'm having such a difficult time concentrating that it's a challenge for me to even do anything. I'm thinking about starting an SSI application next week after Christmas so I at least have a backup plan in case I still can't obtain a stable income by the time this grant I'm on ends and I'll be going to get my medical records myself but doing so is triggering for me because of all of the hell I had to deal with regarding the mental health system in my past.

On top of everything else I feel lonely having an apartment all to myself and having nobody with me especially since I don't have a car and I can't freely get around without relying on the busses which are slow here.

So I welcome any advice from any old or new faces alike and I hope everybody is well!

I'm glad you're back and still with us. I was afraid for the worst when you left so suddenly. I can relate to not having the transportation that I want and relying on buses and whatnot, but it is what it is.

I'm glad you're back.

Welcome back

Nice to see you back. I actually wondered about you but couldn't recall your screen name.

Would you look into group homes so you aren't lonely? Ask your mental health provider how to apply?

Vocational rehabilitation services or disability service assistance so you can keep maybe some appropriate manageable job training?

Honestly at this point in my life, I don't find it even worth trying to even try to get a regular job or go to any type of vocational rehab because I've tried so hard to get a regular job even going to the extreme of applying to well over a dozen places and after that I only got 2 job interviews (1 was at walmart to work in the back packing meat for crying out loud) and I failed them both. I also tried DRS late spring last year but when they wanted me to come in early in the morning to do a bunch of screening for 2 days in a row and stay there for close to 8 hours, I couldn't do it because I was way too overwhelmed with things at the time.

I have figured for the past several years now that I am not wired like everybody else and I can't function in modern day society because I can't keep up with the fast paced workforce nor can I keep up with the demands of modern day society. The fact that I am finding it even harder to function after moving on my own only further proves me point.

If I can't get in SSI by the time my grant ends or if I can't make a living being self employed like I want to then I will just go live in a van or something because I simply don't care enough to try for anything better.

All I care about anymore is my computer games, Anime, and music all which can be done via a laptop and public Wifi.

Apply for SSI, it is a shame though that no one can help you. Disability services help my even most severely disabled students to find and maintain employment. It's terrible. Don't know what state you are at. It's criminal

To be honest with you, while the mental health care in the state I reside in does suck, I think a lot of it is me. I could get into DRS within the next 1-2 months if I wanted to, but I don't want to put much effort in anymore because I am simply tired of even trying to work my butt off when every time I've tried to do anything significant such as find a job, go back to college, or start a business, something went wrong.

I don't have the endurance nor the confidence in myself to continue and I would rather take the easy way out. Besides, even if I do get a job, it's unlikely that I would be able to keep it because of my mental health problems which makes it difficult for me to deal with other people consistently or work under pressure and I don't know how DRS would be able to help me with these problems or even if they can. On top of it all, I wasn't ever taught many life skills needed to live in society as an adult because my mother was a useless tool.

Yes having a job soon and not having to wait months for SSI's slow process to complete (which should be criminal too BTW) would be amazing but I just don't think I can hold a job without caving in to my problems.

To make a long story short, I am simply tired.

Welcome back

Welcome back! Good to hear from you. I live in the U.K. So I realise things might be different in the US, but here we have organisations that help people set up a business. Not just advice, but money. There must be stuff like that in your state. Is that something you could look into? Despite your problems, you obviously have a knack for the Internet, so that could be your answer. To work on something you run yourself from your laptop, which gets you a good income from stuff you enjoy. That gives you independence but lets you pay for what you need. And if you're lonely in your apartment, how about a service animal? A pet can be great company. Good luck on your journey!

simply tired....I get that and it sums up everything I feel.
Apply for disability NOW..(you can do it on any day of the week).

It does take time to get approved...Some people have talked about getting approved quickly on here..11 weeks..

Some it takes months...

Me..it took 2 years.

I was told it depended on the content and extent of my medical records both physical and mental....I guess my records weren't that great...and it took so long...but apply because you never know how long it will take! They play frigin head games (in my opinion)...they never give you any information....its just a waiting game and a guessing game on what Dr you can trust to help you out with support by writing very specific things in their charts.

I've looked for something like this for the longest time, but it seems like something like this doesn't exist in the US. It sucks because there are plenty of us who dread the idea of working for a faceless corporation especially for such low wages but would make great business owners.

I'm still going to try random things though with one such thing in the near future becoming either a twitch streamer (people who stream video game play and can make decent money doing it) or a Youtuber. At least I could be doing something that I enjoy even if it doesn't make a lot of money early on which is a lot better than dealing with the slow and stupid system for SSI or working some boring B.S regular job that I would hate.