[orangyred]

I don't hate my mom. On all levels it appears that my mom is a great mom, honestly. She loves me and says so. She's never been mean or manipulative. But I can't tell her I love her. I really don't feel like I do love her.

I visited her over Christmas which I knew she'd love. And she did. But her husband told me I need to tell her I love her. It's the second time he's said that. I know he loves her and is just looking out for her. And I'm actually grateful for that.

But I can't tell her I love her.

I'm still trying to figure it out. I read some articles, but most of them are about mom's who don't care or are mean and abusive. My mom isn't that way. The worse she did while I was growing up was that she ignored me. Even though I can rationalize that as her being a single mom, somehow that hurt goes too deep to let go of. It's the only thing that I can think of that makes me not love my mother.

That's sad, isn't it? That something that seems so tiny to everyone else's problems is the one thing I can't let go of?

I remember trying to connect with her in my early 20's, but she was always off with her male friend. She wanted it to be something way more than it was and tried for years to get that relationship married off.

Now that she's remarried she seems to want to get to know me. I guess that bothers me on some level too. But as I get older I appreciate the time I have to spend with her, but I really don't feel like I love her.

I hate the guilt that her husband inflicted on me that I need to tell her that I love her, but he's probably right. But I'm not going to say empty words either.

[Frankbtl]

Hi orangyred

Well the way I see it is that feeling ignored while you were growing up is a big thing, can be deeply hurtful and can easily lead to a disconnection in feeling love for her........so please don't feel that there is anything wrong with you in feeling that way
In fact I'd say that in some ways it is a "healthy" reaction.........afterall you aren't feeling that it's perfectly fine to be loving someone who ignores you at a time you really need/ed their love...........
Although that's not to say that it's not going to be possible to re-establish a connection with her and maybe love her for who she can be to you now (or at some point in the future)............but only you'll be able to decide that based on who she is now (or maybe in the future) and on exactly what effects your past has (or will have) on you............
But either way.........it doesn't have to be "necessary" to love your parent/s (some parents won't have fostered/allowed for that!!) to still lead a fulfilling life and to find love and feel love in your life.........so keep your focus on you, hey??
If there's something/anything you can get out of your relationship with your mum now or in the future then great.......but if not there is still plenty of opportunity to thrive without that if you need to.



Alison

[cluelessgal]

Dear OrangyRed,

I think you should tell your mom's husband, that the relationship between your mom and you is your business and not his. It's between you and your mom, and he is being a "third wheel"

Intimacy between 2 people, when it involves parent and child, is something parents teach their children. Growing up, if your mom did not tell you that she loves you, in your childhood....you'd find it tough to communicate the same to her now. Our parents teach us the language of love.

Being ignored in childhood by your parent is painful too! Life is not about comparing pain...but learning to bear and heal from your own pain. Your mom may not be a "monster" that psychology books paint, but she did ignore you. Single parenthood is not an excuse, since even parents who live in another state, make their presence felt, if they truly want to. It's not about quantity of time spent together, but the quality of time.

It doesn't make your mom a bad person. She may have ignored you, because your grandmother may have ignored her. It's the "chain of neglect". She connected to you the only way she knew.

As a child, you want to see who you are in your parents eyes. Yes, sometimes parents are too tired from work and chores, cranky from having a bad day, depressed about situation they are in...which makes it difficult to paying attention to their child. But when it becomes a pattern, the child gets the wrong message about themselves.

It's my firm belief that when you are emotionally satisfied yourself, you can be emotionally available to take care of others. Our own mental health issues or poor parenting stops us from being emotionally healthy, which affects our relationships.

So if you are not ready to tell your mother that you love her, there is no need to feel guilty for it. When we admit the 'bitterest' truth to ourselves, that's when we move in a direction emotionally. You now know that your relationship with your mom is not the best and that means, it needs work. Heal yourself...then try to understand your mom...then maybe you can help your mom realize that she needs to heal too (try....good if it works, or you may sadly have to move on).

I really recommend you read the book Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb. You can read her blog here - Childhood Emotional Neglect

[MiddayNap]

In my opinion, one can express their "love" for a person through other means than merely saying the word. Your visiting her on Christmas on the basis that she would enjoy it was an expression of "love", your concern of not feeling enough love for her, I'd say, is an expression of "love". As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words.

She probably did the best she could and so are you! It is wonderful that you visited her at Christmas. Don't feel guilty about the way you feel and act toward your mom. It is so much better than being the kind of person who is "fake". I agree that her new husband is not helping....

[MickeyCheeky]

I feel the same way.. And I don't know why, either. I'm with you about this

[orangyred]

I appreciate the encouraging words and am thinking and will continue to think them over!

[Open Eyes]

Hi orangyred,

I think it's good that you have decided to open up and talk about this challenge.

It would help to know how old you are, but I will do my best to help without knowing that part.

I am sorry that there were times in your life where your mother was not there for you the way you wanted her to be. It's hard to be a mom, and there really is no such thing as a "perfect" mom.

My guess is that your mother did love you, but she also wanted very badly to have a man in her life that would love her. This is something that is often considered very important and in past generations it was considered a must. Unfortunately, a lot of women got married and stayed in relationships where they were unhappy. Also, there is another thing that women have that sends a message of wanting a partner, "hormones". This can push a woman to be in love with love too.

It sounds like your mother lost her first husband in some way, your father, and that experience probably left her with a sizable void, it ususally does. And sometimes the desire to fill that void takes presedent, and sadly that can leave the child in the picture feeling like you have described feeling. How much depends on how old the child is when this challenge begins too.

I like to talk about an individual that is well known and how he reacted. This individual is Stephen Speilburg who ended up providing some amazing movies. His parents divorced and he always blamed it on his father. In fact many of his movies like ET have a young child with a single mother, the mother is often a bit childlike too. Speilburg's mother was like that, and Speilburg blamed the divorce on his father most of his life, until he found out that it was "not" his father's fault, but instead it was the mother who cheated and left the father. I saw Speilburg in an interview where he talked about being so thankful that when he realized the "truth" his father was still alive so he could appologize for blaming his father for all those years.

Well, when we are growing up we think our parents are supposed to know a lot more then they actually know. We tend to think grownups are just that "grown up". Truth is that is simply not the case, often our parents are still growing and learning and they "don't" have all the answers and they often don't know how to be a perfect parent either. What a parent lacks depends on how they were raised along with whatever their generational messages were too.

It's understandable that you can struggle with whatever you felt your mother did not provide for you. We always know what we wanted and needed and feel cheated out on. It's ok to be angry, to even mourn whatever you feel you lost when it comes to your mother. It's also ok to sit and think about the big picture which can reveal to you that your mother never purposely tried to hurt you, that she did "love" you as you have stated. What is also important is to think about the void your mother felt and that she tried very hard to fill that void, can you be happy that she finally found someone to love her? That she had a child and loved her child, but was also lonely? That she did not give up on filling her own void? You know, she could have given up and been a lonely depressed woman for the rest of her life too. She could have been a mother that was distant from you because of her own hurt in a different way.

I am a mother myself and when I was raising my daughter I sure had to face some marital challenges. I never stopped loving my daughter, but I know she saw me stressed and I am sure that affected her, in fact I know it did. I was just trying to figure out how to survive and get through my challenges, and while I was a grownup, I surely did not have all the answers. Was my daughter angry with me? Yes, but, not so much now because unfortunately she had faced similar challenges and it was not easy, but at least she did not have a child to worry about at the same time.

It's a lot to think about, good to see you are taking the time to think about it, talk and get some feedback. If your mother loves you, you are very lucky and perhaps it's time to see your way to love her back in spite of whatever she did that was not perfectly filling your needs.