Married to a cop

I made the decision to marry someone in law enforcement. I told myself it would get easier. That I'd adjust to the work hours. That I'd embrace the level of independence it would allow me. I am so proud of my partner for what he does. But despite years passing, I just can't seem to adjust.

Being a cop is his life. It is his #1 priority. It will always come first. And I knew that. And I foolishly thought that would be something I could get used to. But I just haven't. I get that he is busy. But it's how he acts when he is home that hurts the most. He is too tired to talk. He is to taxed to do anything on his days off but catch up on himself. When he's home, he's still in his own world. He watches cop shows. He talks to coworkers. And work days it's like we're not even married. Even when he gets off-- we don't talk. We go days without really talking. Sure the "How was your day" bit. But it's always about his day.

This is especially difficult for me because my depression has been really severe lately. But I don't have the opportunity to talk with him. Or if I do, it's days and days of suffering alone. He doesn't even hold me at night. He will watch tv until he falls asleep then come to bed and rolls away from me.

It's so hard. I've tried to talk to him. We've seen two counselors. And I know this is just him. Who he is. But I need human touch. I need affection. Companionship. I work just as many hours as him as a counselor myself and it's exhausting but somehow caring for the home and bills and everything falls on me. If I ask him to do something, it could be weeks before he gets around to it.

But all he focused on is I'm upset because of my depression. That I'm just too emotional. That plenty of wives handle this fine. But I think I'm just different. It kills me to share a life with someone on the outside, but on the inside it feels like a lie. He doesn't share anything with me. He doesn't connect with me. And I just don't know what to do. Is it my depression? Am I just not supposed to be married to a cop?

I'm really sorry for your pain and emotional isolation.

What did the counselors say?

I don't think it's just your depression.

Every marriage takes hard work by both parties. It sounds like your husband doesn't put much into your relationship.

Maybe you aren't meant to be married to a cop. I think you should give it your all, try your best to make things work....and if it still doesn't improve then you can let go knowing you tried your hardest but in the end it wasn't meant to be.

Im so sorry this is something you are dealing with. You deserve to be happy. also I agree with GoldenWaves.

If i lived with someone who never took a day off, i'd be depressed too!

His job is his primary relationship. It has become his addiction and probably his identity as well.

When questioned, he blames you because he doesn't want to face his illness.

As for this "other wives can handle it" Pure BS! He is married to you, not them.

Have you actually talked to the other wives? You may be surprised. (Most cops end up marrying fellow cops or other first responders btw.)

anyway, what he does with his life is his deal.

Your life is your deal.

Google sites for wives of law enforcement. I doubt you are the only one suffering.

I've joined a few law enforcement spouse support forums. I seem to be either abnormal or the silent sufferer.

Our counselor has basically said "This is how it will be, you need to decide if you can live this way". She has said multiple times not all marriages work. But she also points out how hard his life is and how my depression jeopardizes his safety. This is the second counselor to say that.

I feel like he chose this job. And it is just that- a job. If he gets hurt on duty, who will he expect to take care of him? Help him? Me.

It's just very hard because he is blaming my unhappiness on my depression. Saying if I just medicate myself it will be ok. And I'm just not thinking that's the case. His work is his life. It fulfills him. For me, my work is just a job and I find fulfillment at home. Only my partner has already gotten his at work and I just get the zombie, emotionless side of him.

We've been seeing a counselor since November 2015. It has helped some but in the end, I realize I have to decide if I can handle being alone and not getting companionship.

He's threatened to commit me a few times when I've talked about what separation might look like. Said I am being dramatic. Told me he'd make me miserable if I ever tried to leave him. That he'd make it mandated I attend counseling first. That he'd contest it. Ironically he is very insecure but also distant and places blame elsewhere.

It's exhausting which is likely why my depression has spiked. I am really trying my hardest but I find myself starting to get bitter. And I have always been such a loving person. It scares me to be losing that side of myself. Protecting myself from the constant pain of rejection. It's making me an ugly person.

If I won the lotto, would I leave? Definitely. But unfortunately I'm grounded in reality and as unhappy as I am to admit it, I couldn't afford to leave. This is my second marriage and I am still paying off my first divorce-- so I question how I could even consider that option.

I am extremely concerned for your safety.

Since he is a cop, you will have to have ALL of your bases covered.

Meaning----if he tries to get you committed, it may indeed happen because he is the cop and you are the mentally ill person. That is, he will be believed before you are.

It is indeed a sign of abuse for a partner to threaten you if you mention ending the relationship.

He's saying....

"If you leave me, I will have you committed."

"If you leave me, I will make your life miserable."

This is not acceptable behavior.

I strongly urge you to create an exit plan. Save up as much money as you can. Get as much support as you can from friends and family.

Are you seeing an individual counselor?

Making contact with a women's resource center would be helpful in planning your escape and finding a safe place such as a women's shelter afterwards.

(((HUGS)))
Your post just opened my eyes BIG time!
They way you describe your husband and marriage... crazy similar behaviors, feelings, thoughts, actions... If my husband were a cop...I would be convinced we were married to the same man! I agree with the rest of the posters... I honesty would have been terrified every night he came home if my husband had a gun on him when we would argue... I fear for your safety as well. Please Be Safe! Talk to a Domestic Violence hotline about a safety plan. I'm not saying that you should up and leave your marriage, but you should have a strategy in place in case you need to leave at anytime either just to get some space for a bit or...God forbid...he ever snaps.

Be Safe! Be Well! and Keep Writing!
There will always be someone here who is willing to talk.
You are not alone.
-LITW

Thank you so much everyone. The most disappointing part of all of this is I left my first marriage because despite him being my best friend, I just thought we weren't going in the same direction. We mutually agreed to seek different avenues. But at least I was happy. At least I knew someone cared about me. And I consider my second marriage and think "How is this an even worse decision?"

Sure I've got more financial stability. I thought marrying a cop would mean I'd have a moral and by-the-book guy. He doesn't drink. He's very responsible. He followed the law. That seemed so respectable. And, as a peace officer, great qualities. But as a husband? Those are not the only things that matter.

It's tough. I've been in a relationship with violence before. This doesn't feel like that but because of my past I am always scouting back door exit strategies just in case. That fear never really leaves you. He knows it too and it offends him. He says "Id never hurt you". But he hurts me every day by not loving me.

Last night we had a huge storm come in. He was working and I was cowering in our storm shelter. I am so claustrophobic so it was really emotional for me to be down there and not know if my animals were okay. When he came home, all he worried about was the house. I'm shaking like a leaf and crying and all he said was take your anxiety medicine and get out of my way. So heartless. Or am I asking too much? Is it too much to ask for a minute of comfort? He said "let me get everything else done, then I'll come be with you". Which consisted of him turning on the tv. And getting on his phone to play a game.

Sigh. Sorry I'm not trying to vent. It just has been hard lately because my own depression has been so dark the loneliness has been amplified. And it feels like the chicken or the egg scenario. Is my depression making my marriage worse? Or is it the opposite?

It sounds horrible.. have you tried to contact someono who could help you? We want you to be safe

It's a tough one, when you join the forces you are actually warned that the likelihood is your personal relationships and marriages will fail. I wonder if this doesn't provide a fatalistic outset.
The only in forces relationship s I know that succeed are those who have a heavy dependency on others in your situation. It used to be that wives and families made a point of bonding. Ensuring some kind of get together on holidays or a birthday. But with partner now working just as many hours it's become a thing of the past.
It's hard when you respect what they do such, but not who it makes them at home.
You know it's what they do to cope, and being shut out is the hardest thing of all. World's become so far apart you wonder if it is possible to get back.
The answer, not alone, no. You both need to work towards each other.
I Might ask if he could even just manage to spend an hour in bed together, just for cuddles. That's is something that doesn't require to much effort on his part.
If he can't, that might be the answer to your question.

I am sorry to hear the struggle of another forces relationship, most of them are good couples with insurmountable barriers in their lives. It's a terrible shame.

Best of luck. Take care.

Thank you so much. What you said makes a lot of sense and is so true. It becomes so hard because he cares about others- it's why he does his job. To see him with his coworkers, it exudes family. He cares so much for them. So I know that he can be that person. But when he gets home, it's like he has nothing left to give.

I think the fact I don't have any family here makes it hard. I really don't have anyone else which isn't fair to him. Because I expect a lot from him. So I've started going and riding my horses with other people but its like-- filling the void with someone else. Those are the memories I wish I could make with my husband.

I like the suggestion of asking for cuddle time. Touch is certainly an important bonding expression. Feeling a sense of disconnect in such an intimate relationship is disheartening. Emotional intimacy is important, touch such as a hug, held hands, etc is part of that need.
Do you have any topics that are common that you can set aside time to talk about? Might feel forced at first, yet, it's part of that mutual commitment.

How long had you known each other before marriage? Can any of that be rekindled? I mean if you are expected to lead a rather independent life, feeling connected is about the only way to maintain the distance, albeit living under the same roof.

I don't get why you are assuming that all this unhappiness is due to your husband being a cop. Most of the deficiencies you describe in him don't seem to automatically go with being a cop. I don't see where this is a typical "cop" marriage. Your husband doesn't sound like a good partner. If he were selling insurance, I don't think he would be much better. It's just not in him.

Someone close to me is married to a cop. There are specific strains that puts on a marriage. I don't hear you describing those job-specific strains. I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think your husband is "in love" with you, and that is a lonely place for you to be in.

Blaming everything on his being a cop seems to me as a way for you to avoid really pondering what exactly is going on. The two of you going for couple's counselling seems to be jumping past the real problem. I'ld recommend you getting counselling as an individual. The real question is, "Why am I walking into marriages that turn out to not be partnerships that I really want to be in?"

Part of the answer is financial. Have you ever lived alone and successfully supported yourself? Are you jumping into marriages because you feel you have to have a husband to financially support you?

Do you have children? If not, then there is no reason in the world why you have to stay married to survive. Do you believe that you are incapable of making it on your own because you are depressed? You mention having a job and working as many hours as your husband. Okay, so maybe you couldn't make the mortgage payments on just your salary. Then you get yourself an apartment.

Maybe your husband feels he's basically a paycheck to you. Then, again, he doesn't seem to have much else to offer. You mentioned that, married to him, you have "more financial stability." Why were you in such financial instability before you married him?

When the two of you were just dating, what did you each see in the other that made the two of you say, 'I want to spend my life with this person." ??? It does not sound like either one of you is in love.

This not a case of: you are just not meant to be a cop's wife. This is way, way deeper and larger than that.

From what you are describing of your husband, his marriage is to his job.

You don't have a "marriage", that doesn't happen when only one person is "there" and the other person isn't.

What about you? What do you have in your life that is "your" passion?

It is not unusual for a person to get married with an idea in mind of what they want of the other person and then learn that their idea is not what that partner is going to actually be.

I suppose I place some of the weight on his being a cop because it is his explanation for behaviors. It is why he is too tired to do anything when he gets home. He says the emotional toll makes it hard for him to open up. The responsibility to the job is the answer for missing anniversaries and holidays and dates. His job is his entire life. And so yes, i do consider that to be a substantial factor. And it has been a substantial factor in all of our counseling sessions. Because it is not considered "okay" in society for me to question him or to ask of him because of his job. I've been told my expectations are unrealistic because he is a cop. I've been told to be more lenient because he is a cop. I have been reminded it is my duty because he is a cop.

My husband and I are financially independent besides our mortgage which we split evenly. Yes having his income to buy property was an incentive. Yes it does help me be more financially stable although maybe that's the wrong word choice. I have more financial independence perhaps.

Yes I have lived alone. And yes I managed okay. When I dated my husband and we didn't live together, I did not see him on work days. I only saw him refreshed and recovered and mentally recovered from work. I had no way of knowing that half of the week he was an emotional zombie incapable of talking or being affectionate or engaging.

So yes I bring up his profession because that is his entire life. Obviously this goes beyond him. But I feel that much of what others go through in this profession- withdrawal, being closed off, anger issues, etc are evident here as well.

I don't particularly appreciate being accused of picking the wrong partners-- like I am asking for this but I guess that maybe is accurate. I guess we can't all be grace with foresight and clairvoyance to know who is right. I believe that's why they call it a leap of faith. However if that's the case then maybe it's me who's messed up. Although you'll note I am seeing my own counselor.

But honestly I didn't open up to be blamed for this. Or called out. Or judged. Like all the counselors who tell me to be easy on him because he's a cop. Like himself telling me I don't know the toll. It's a job and he took it. It was his decision. He wanted to get married. And the minute we said "I do" I became his property.

Counselors who take sides like this are doing you a disservice. I'm really sorry that this is what you have been getting, at least some of the time, in the name of "counseling".

It sounds like he is an emotional zombie for the entire week, not just on his work days:

***

I'm sorry that this is how the marriage has turned out.

I do not think that you need to give up your life and all hope of emotional connection with your husband because he is a cop. I think you deserve better.

I hope that you will keep seeing your individual counselor!

You need to give yourself more credit to be capable of reaching your own conclusions. Don't let me, or your husband or any counselor dictate to you what's what.

Do you really believe that all marriages to police officers are just like yours? Do you not suspect that your husband has found an all-purpose excuse to explain away every and any thing? Is there some law that says you have to believe that? And you're claiming that multiple counselors have told you to accept lousy behavior from your husband because he is a cop? Are these counselors employed by the police department? Lots of counselors have bad marriages themselves, so don't assume that any counselor knows more than you know.

You became "his property." Who told you that?

You may be listening to way too many people, when the only opinion that ultimately counts is your own. Some of the best and nicest women end up in the worst marriages. Look at poor Debbie Reynolds, who said in a televised interview that she had no ability to pick out a decent husband. It wasn't that she didn't deserve to be well-loved.

When you were dating, you saw your husband at his best, "refreshed and recovered." So maybe you got "took in." It can happen to the very nicest of women, or men.

It's not me who's accusing you of "picking the wrong partners." You are telling us that your first marriage was unsatisfying and that your second marriage is proving even worse. You told us that your husband hurts you every day by not loving you. You said he doesn't even compare favorably with your first husband. All I know is what you're sharing.

Of course you never said, "Well I think I'll marry a man who'll be miserable to me." This is not what you expected. I think you got took in. Maybe you trust very readily. Maybe that hasn't served you well. Maybe you need to get a little more cynical. If this husband of yours is really anything like you are describing - and I believe you that he is - I sure wouldn't want to be living with him . . . being hurt every day by being unloved. And I wouldn't care if an army of angels came down with a message from God above telling me that this is what I should settle for. Maybe I'ld stay, or maybe I'ld leave, but it would be based on "What do I want to do?"

I just googled "cops and divorce" and found an article that contradicts what I thought was true. I thought divorce rates were high for cops. I've even heard that domestic violence was high in cop families. Here's what I found:

https://www.thebalance.com/what-is-t...fficers-974539

Do some googling, yourself, and get some informed input. Compare what you read to your own situation.

If you are telling yourself - as you've told us - that you can find no way out of being absolutely miserable, then that is your depression talking. That is classic depressed thinking: "I'm miserable and there is no hope for relief." I'm a chronic depressive. I know how the thinking goes.

I'm not blaming you for maybe having made a mistake. I've made more than my share. Maybe this marriage is salvagable, or maybe not. I'm asking you to empower yourself. You decide whether your husband is being fair to you. You decide whether being a cop makes him act the way he does at home. Screw the counselors. You decide. Maybe he can't help being as he is, and maybe it's due to his profession . . . or maybe it's due to other reasons. Maybe he can change. Maybe he needs an incentive to change. Maybe he needs to be shown that this marriage won't survive, unless he does change. Maybe he needs you more than you realize. (I doubt a bunch of women will be lining up to take your place.) Maybe you have more leverage than you appreciate.

But, if you go around with the attitude that you are stuck in a miserable situation and are incapable of doing anything about it, then you are conveying permission to him to crap all over you. I would start tearing that house apart with my bare hands before I would submit to that. He threatens to commit you for being crazy? I'ld say, "Buster, you ain't seen crazy yet, but I'm about to show you."

It's very hard to get people "committed" for any length of time. (It's very hard to get into psych hospitals these days, even for people who want to get in.) It's up to a judge. Judges know that cops, like everyone else, have marital problems.

You are not your husband's property. No sane person ever told you that. It sounds like you are giving yourself some very bad advice.

If mainly you just want to vent about how unhappy you are, that's okay. I'll be glad to listen. Maybe, right now, that's all you're up for. You can move ahead at your own pace, in whatever direction you choose. And you can choose not to move at all. I'm genuinely sorry you're so very unhappy. And it sure doesn't sound like you are being very well treated at all.

Never dated a cop, but as fate would have it, my life has been full of them in other capacities. My uncle, my best friend's brother, her brother-in-law, an older friend here was a sheriff's deputy, and in the last town I lived in I worked fast food so I knew ALL of them since the force was relatively small compared to a lot of places. I have seen their schedules....they are brutal. I admire you. I would not be able to stand it. But, thank him for me for what he does. They are our every day heroes.

This thread has raised my consciousness about some things. I've re-read the posts above carefully and I've googled the topic of abuse in police marriages. I now commend those posters above who have expressed concern for your safety. I can be a little slow on the uptake, sometimes.

Reviewing this thread, I now think you are in a situation of abuse. This puts a different light on you feeling like "his property." He sounds intimidating. Coming from a cop just enhances the intimidation factor. Here's another article that has enlightened me a bit:

Police Have a Much Bigger Domestic-Abuse Problem Than the NFL Does - The Atlantic

I would strongly urge you to connect with support for women in domestic abuse situations. Do it discreetly. I did this once myself and they can be very helpful. (It doesn't matter that there are no black-and-blue marks. There weren't in my case, either.) One of the things I learned from them is that counselors who don't specialize in domestic abuse often have no friggin clue what is going on and can even give very counterproductive advice.

If you're in a rural area, it may be difficult for you to find good resources nearby. But make some calls. People involved in supporting woman who are intimidated by their partners are very discreet. Reach out. I find some of his remarks quite horrifying. Be aware that, when he chose you, he probably chose carefully.

I had initially wondered why there wasn't a group of wives that get together for support from his own department but honestly after the verbal threats & abuse he has spoken to you I wouldn't go for support to any place that wasn't confidential.

Just curious, have you ever suffered with depression before now? I ask this because of my own experience with SITUATIONAL depression. After loosing my career, I ended up trapped in a bad marriage that financially I couldn't get out of. The blame for the depression got attached to my loss of career when in reality it was being trapped it the bad marriage. The situation got worse without having my escape in my career & the depression grew increasingly dark to the point I was totally disabled by it. The situation of being trapped in a bad marriage can create desperately dark depression.

With what you have said about your marriage & your situation & the verbal threat abuse it's no wonder you are experiencing depression. I found out that medication does not help situational depression because there isn't a med in the world that can FIX the bad situation.

I wish I had left my bad marriage when I had my career to support myself. I think with the threats you have received from your husband that domestic violence contact for help & direction is your best solution for not only your safety but also your own mental health wellness in mind.

If there was REAL LOVE felt for you by your husband you would feel a closeness in spite of his excuse of being too tired. Too often we think this lack of emotional closeness is normal & excuse it away but in reality if it is there, there is no excuse needed because it JUST NATURALLY EXISTS. An emotionally connection is felt even through exhaustion we just get suckered by people into thinking its not when they need to excuse it away because they really aren't feeling it.

Try Al-Anon

He may not be an alcoholic, but he is an addict.

Look at the literature. replace "alcohol" with "my husband".

Go to a meeting if possible.

It will help... especially with the isolation.... which will help with your depression.

It helped me.

My brother in law is the same way with my sister, but he's not a cop he's in the military now. When he's off of work all he wants to do is play golf or ride his motorcycle. I swear he loves golf more than anything in the world.

Idk if this helps or not just sounds familiar to me.

He is emotionally cheating on you and emotionally abusing you hardcore and that is what is causing your depression. There's no reason he cannot cuddle you at night. Too tired my butt. That is emotional abuse. As for seeing the other members of his dept as family and choosing them over you…emotionally cheating.

He's ****ing with you, causing your depression and then shifting blame back onto you to destabilize you further.

It's quite effective it seems and it's very telling how he is willing to use control/power/intimidation/invalidation when you said you wanted to leave him.

He's an abuser and you've been so long under his spell…you believe you are the problem. Therefore he has total control. He's probably incapable of true intimacy and is unable to love you as your equal. Some people's definition of love is distorted.

I wonder if he is getting his needs met elsewhere since he is gone so much and is so vacant when he is home.

"The responsibility to the job is the answer for missing anniversaries and holidays and dates."

Nah. That's him being abusive and making you feel like you're nothing. Intentional.