[Continuum35]

I'll try to sum this up to the best of my ability. I grew up with a difficult mother. She has extreme anger and anxiety issues that she has never seeked help for. Growing up all I remember was my mom shouting and her controlling nature. She controlled everything my dad did she wouldn't allow him his own bank account and expected him to be home from work at a certain time even though he worked his *** off with 2 jobs. She used to shout at my teachers if she felt offended and regularly did that to people in public too. Her anxiety issues were just as extreme. As a teenager if I didn't come home at a certain time after hanging out with my friends she would call my friends parents and shout at them which led to such embarrassment on my part. She did the same with my exe's and did the same when I was abroad and stayed with my aunts. She would worry and expected me to be at hers by a certain time and if not she would shout at my aunt which really upset her.

What really hurts is her lack of interest with my bipolar disorder if you asked her she wouldn't even know what I'm diagnosed with; even though she's had to liaise with my care co-ordinater after 2 failed suicide attempts. You'd think after all of that she'd be more supportive and caring but instead she's too wrapped up in herself. She's also in denial and is uncaring when it comes to my sister who has signs of Aspergers. My sister volunteers and is not in paid employment. She gets anxious and scared and has outbursts in unfamiliar situations and I know she probably won't ever break out of that. She used to go to a special school once a week for years and had support from the national autistic society. Again my mom doesn't even know what Aspergers and Autism is and probably wouldn't even know why she went to that school.

My mother doesn't seem all too bothered to get an official diagnosis for my sister and expects me to look after her when she dies. Instead she talks to her friends on the phone, sees them during the week, goes on Social media and watches TV. I've given her all the contact information for helping my sister out but as usual she doesn't seem all that interested. She even said I should be the one to go with my sister and get the official diagnosis. All that I mentioned including the Bipolar has been so difficult to handle and has severely affected my college performance. It's even harder since I'm still at home.

Now in my mid 20's I realise that my mom is such a terrible person. Some people were just not cut out to be parents and she's one of them. She even said how she didn't want children and was pressured by dad's family to have kids. I feel nothing for her apart from anger and hate. I've emotionally checked out. It's a terrible thing to say but it would be a relief if she was just out of my life forever. I'd be relieved. But then again I feel like such a selfish person for feeling that way. Is it wrong that I feel that way? Is it too late to even consider mending this relationship? Anyway I just had to let that out!

[chroma66]

Your sister is lucky to have you in her life though, you sound like your priorities are on point for one so young. If I were in your situation I would just think of my mother as a source of free rent (if that is the case) and concentrate on your school, as long as you and your sister are in a safe environment; if you have enough to eat and are not exposed to any immediate danger. Possibly your sister would qualify for disability, you could file for caretaker status, and eventually you two could get a place together, though you may have to be on your own before applying for assistance.
Perhaps your mother feels that if she's putting a roof over your head that's enough, even though anyone with half a grain of sense knows it's not.

I feel rejected by my mom too; it hurts at first, but I haven't seen mine in years. I miss her, but not much.

[hvert]

I hope you can get out of that house soon. You are not a bad or selfish person for feeling the way you do. It's okay to worry about your own life before you start trying to rebuild any sort of relationship with your mother. It's not always possible, anyway -- she has to be willing to meet you halfway.

You may find it interesting to google 'narcissistic mother' if you haven't already.