[Biba_yu]

I have been in relationship with my best friend for 11 years. I admit, it was a mistake. back then I just got divorced, and I was quite vulnerable, my best friend was male (I am female) so... it happened. From the start I somehow knew we did not have chance, but I pushed it because I did not want to lose my only friend and I really loved him, I still do. However, right on the start he told me he wants to live with his parents "forever", he does not want to change any of his habits or traits for anyone, he never wants to get driver licence or phone, and most of his time is determined by decades of habits and schedule he made since he was a child. So that left quite a little time for me, around 4-7 hours a week. I admit I felt like his personal free geisha. He would squeeze me into his "free time" (actually he could make more but he did not want to change anything in his life), and our relationship was revolving around our efforts to keep his life as it is. He loved it, but for me it was struggle, bigger with each year. At first I did not mind as I was quite busy myself, and more busy each year. But now I want relationship that is not so difficult. Something easier, not so determined and scheduled. I did not actually know while we were just friends that he was so determined, stubborn and non-flexible. I though he just had to live that way because he is poor and freelancer with unsteady income. Also, I can never go to his place because he does not want to "disturb" his parents (their flat is very small), and he can't sleep over at my place, because his parents will worry. So this relationship was like constant struggle to keep his life intact. But mine went to hell. As more time passed, I felt harder to give it up. I know I should but it was too hard. He is actually a great person. Messed up, yes, but intelligent, smart with great sense of humour. And he does love me, and in his mind he thinks he does as much as he can for me. My depression grew bigger in time, my health deteriorated, I was in constant pain, frustrated and felt really bad, started to get outburst of anger. So I just drew back in my solitary to try to heal my wounds. It happened before, so he just left me and stop trying to see me. Usually, after some time of pain and depression I would call him and he would be happy to come back with me. This time, I don't want to call him, I want out! I am middle aged now (44) and I had it! I am tired. So tired.
Problem is, it has been 3+ months since our last encounter. He never tries to contact me or meet me, but he does send me small neutral massages over mail (about some interesting sites or events), I guess that is his way to say "I am still here". I know I need closure, and need to talk to him and finally end it because now we are in limbo and he knows that. I am afraid this could last forever. I need to talk to him and put and end to this, but he was my only friend for all these years and it's hard. He is not a bad person, I don't think I am either but we are both so messed up! We lived in war, poverty, and horrible things happened here. Still, I can't be alone to fight for this relationship anymore. I need some progress, some growth, not just juvenile relationship between two middle-aged persons. I am tired. It's so HARD to talk to him, and I am bad with expressing how I feel.

[gayleggg]

Wow! I can see why you are confused and feeling alone. Yes, I agree that the two of you need to sit down and talk.

I can understand your needing more than he can offer you so stand up for yourself.