[jazrobinson]

I'm 22 and I've been single for three years. That means no dates, no hookups, no nothing... Just single. I'm someone who's been sensitive her whole life. I've struggled with anxiety, depression and just in general feeling super insecure. I've gone to counselling for it and know that it all springs from childhood issues and stuff with my family. Before I was single for this long, I was in a relationship for four years with someone. I had been friends with him since we were five and our families were close. The year before we broke up, I travelled across the country to go be with him after he moved out east to go to university. I thought I was in love with him and was going to marry him eventually. Our bond was the closest I'd ever had with anyone. Our friends and family used to say that this guy worshipped the ground I walked on. And he did...until he didn't. I was 18, and didn't know better. After moving out East, six months into living there, he called me and broke up with me over the phone. I was heartbroken and went through a whole grieving process. It hit me hard at the time: I didn't eat for five days and all. But then I eventually picked myself up, moved back home, and restarted my life out here. I thought I was doing fine. I mean after all, it's been three years. But then I started to realize that I am very much very single. And sad. Very sad. I can't stop crying. When I see other couples I feel perpetually alone. And then I blame myself saying it's my fault that I'm like this. I can't help but feel the blow of that rejection from three years ago... even though he didn't support my passion in the arts and didn't always say the kindest things... I just can't help but feel like I lost a friend and will never be wanted in that capacity again. All my friends have partners, if not hookups and I can't help but feel like this thing that will never be touched again. All I think about is being loved and I hate that. I hate that I want a relationship. I know I only want it for the wrong reasons and I hate that. I feel like I'll never learn to show myself the love and compassion I need in order to be loved. I feel like I'll always be so sensitive and that's a burden on anyone. After all, that's why I was dumped three years ago. In my culture, being in a relationship means being on the way to starting a family. All I've ever wanted to do in my life was start a family. I don't know if I'm compensating for the dysfunctional family life I had, but I feel like I don't know where to start in getting over this insecurity. I just want to push every fantasy I have of ever wanting to be with someone out of my head. I feel like I'll disappoint myself if I do. I'm already disappointing myself. I can never picture a man ever connecting with me emotionally again. I don't know how to make these thoughts stop.

I'm 25 and I have never been in a relationship for longer than a few months at a time and even then I've never had true emotional intimacy with anybody.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being single, if anything, being trapped in a relationship and tied to another person who you aren't happy with is a problem.

Finally, I find that society has unfair expectations of people, especially women. They expect people to go to school, get married young and have children and they expect the women to put their lives on hold for their families while judging those who choose to live otherwise.

If I could offer you one bit of advice it would be to be yourself. Don't let society tell you how to live your life because they don't own your life; you do. In this day and age, women have more freedoms than they ever had in the previous tens of thousands of years of human history combined. You can be anything that you want so I implore you to not cave into societal pressures and instead focus on what you are passionate about.

Personally, I don't want children and I've been extremely vocal about it and since I live in a area where the majority of the population is Christian, I've been told on more than one occasion that I'm defying God or I'm being selfish or whatever not to mention. I'm also an Atheist and Athests where I live are looked down upon as being evil so I'm certainly an outcast haha I understand all too well what you are going through.

If you want a relationship and/or children, be sure that that's what you want first rather than simply you finding a way to compensate for another deep seeded problem.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, jazrobinson, and welcome to Psych Central! I think we are taught that relationships and marriage is the "right life." But I know lots of women who are comfortable going long periods between relationships. They find other women singles as friends and enjoy activities such as shopping and visiting.

I found therapy to be very helpful in getting me more comfortable with myself and in knowing how to seek the right relationships. Could that be something for you?

Again, welcome!

[MrPaul]

Hi Jazrobinson you're still 22 which means you're very young and still have plenty of time to figure things out.

At least you've been in a relationship more than half your dating life. I'm sure if you set your mind to it you could do it again.